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“Will you find that therapist for me? I want to get better. I don’t want the dark thoughts to ever come between us again.”
“Of course, Lu. I’ll do it later today, okay?”
I nodded. I was finally ready to try to get better. I didn’t want to lose Scott, and if that meant trusting someone with all the shit in my life, then so be it.
By the time we reached home, I was so damn tired. All I wanted to do was cuddle up with Scott and maybe take a nap. As if he’d read my mind, Scott said, “Why don’t you pick a movie to watch? I’ll make some hot chocolate for us.”
I nodded, but before all that, I needed something. I opened my arms, and because Scott knew me so well, he didn’t hesitate before pulling me into a warm embrace that melted all my remaining stress.
“I won’t let the dark thoughts win again, Scott. I promise,” I mumbled against his neck.
“I know, Luke. I know. And for the record, I left this morning because of me, not you. I didn’t sleep much last night because I was hurting for you, for all the pain you’d had to feel. And then when you told me that I could’ve lost you before ever finding you? That there was a high chance I’d have never met you, never fallen in love with you? Well, that overwhelmed me, and I felt as if I couldn’t breathe because I couldn’t imagine my life without you. That’s why I left. It was a dick move, I know, and I’m sorry.”
I pulled back slowly and took his face in my hands like he held mine so many times. “I know. I understand that now. I’m sorry I reacted that way. And for what it’s worth, I’m glad I failed all those times. If surviving all the shit life threw at me was the only way I could find you, then I’m glad I fought through. Because you mean everything to me, and finding you was so worth it.”
I pressed my lips to his and kissed him. I didn’t keep it soft and gentle, though. I let him feel all the love I had for him in the most intense way. I traced his lip with my tongue, and he opened his mouth to me almost instantly. My tongue tangled with his, tasting him, absorbing the low moans he couldn’t stop himself from uttering. My hands roamed on his sides, pulling him closer to me while his fingers played with my hair. He pulled away slowly, resting his forehead against mine as we both tried to catch our breaths.
“Wow,” he exhaled after a minute, a dopey grin on his face as he raised his eyes to meet mine.
“Yeah.” I pressed a soft kiss against his nose before pulling away.
“I love you, Lu.”
“I love you, too, Scott. Now get me that hot chocolate you promised.”
The next Friday, we were on our way to my first therapy appointment with one Monica Freeman. Scott had made an appointment the same day I’d asked him to, and I knew I could trust him in choosing a nice therapist for me. But that didn’t mean I wasn’t freaking out.
I wiped my sweaty palms on my thighs for the tenth time as I gazed out the window, chewing my lower lip as I tried to keep my breathing steady. I did not want to deal with a panic attack on top of everything.
Scott grabbed my hand in his and gave it a reassuring squeeze. “It’ll be okay.”
I nodded and closed my eyes, taking in a deep breath before letting it go. I could do this.
“We’re here,” Scott said after a few minutes, and my eyes snapped open. Oh my god, I couldn’t do this.
My heart started racing again at the thought of going in there and spewing all my shit in front of another stranger, and god, I couldn’t do this. I tried to control my breathing because IknewI was at the edge of a panic attack, but I couldn’t.
I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t go in there and trust another stranger just to have them break it again. I couldn’t share all my demons again; I didn’t want to talk about them. I wanted to let them all stay buried where I’d kept them for a year. I didn’t want to deal with this. Icouldn’tdeal with this.
“Luke, listen to me. Come on, babe, focus on my voice,” I heard Scott say, but his voice was so far away. Where was he? Why was he doing this to me? A whimper escaped my lips as I tried to dosomething.Leave. I had to leave.
Suddenly, my hand was pressed against something warm, and I heard Scott’s voice again. “Focus on my breathing, Lu. Breathe with me, please.”
I pressed my hand closer to his chest and tried to copy his steady breathing, breathing in when he did and letting out my breath with him. I copied him a few times, until my heart started to slow down its mad thundering and I was able to breathe properly.
“Luke, what’s the color of my eyes?” I frowned at Scott’s out-of-the-blue question but answered him.
“Chocolate brown.”
Scott smiled softly and nodded before asking, “And my hair?”
“Golden brown.”
“The color of the car seat?”
“Gray. Why are you asking me so many questions?”
Scott grinned and shook his head. “Are you feeling better now?”
