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I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. I had a hard time finding the words. And as I struggled for them, I realized that she’d asked me something that no one else ever did– how I felt. Sure, my brothers had my back, no doubt in my mind about it. But other than them…
I shifted in my seat. “It’s fine. I mean that. We’re all crazy about you, and you’re here with me right now. And that’s it.” The words came out with a harder tone than I’d intended. Dream must’ve picked up on it because her attention was more on me than the food.
“You’ve always been kind of cut off, closed off from people. I noticed it the second we met when we were kids. And I always wondered why.” She reached across the table and took my hand, her touch making me feel better instantly. “You know you can tell me anything, right?”
I chuckled nervously, slipping my hand from hers. “It’s…I don’t know. Just dad shit, I guess.”
“Your dad?”
I couldn’t believe I’d said it. Heat rose inside of me, and all I wanted was to be able to take back the words.
“It’s nothing,” I said. “Forget about it.”
But I knew Dream well enough to understand that there was no way she’d be letting it drop that easily.
“Tell me what you mean, Jay,” she said, her voice braced with kindness, understanding. “I’ve known you for years, yet you’ve never let me in.”
“Well, I kind of did last night.” I smiled slightly and Dream returned it. It was a lame joke, but the tension eased enough to be bearable.
“Funny,” she said. “But seriously…what happened between you and your dad?”
I shifted in my seat, taking a sip of coffee to give myself a second to get ready for what I was about to say. I’d never told anyone what I was about to tell her. But there was something about Dream that made it seem OK.
“When we were growing up, my old man rode Evan hard. Not sure why. I guess Duncan was the older one, knew his place. I was the baby, my dad always having a soft spot for me. But with Evan…it was different. He demanded the best, whether it came to school or part-time jobs or anything else. And when he didn’t get the best…”
I trailed off, taking one more drink of my coffee. Dream reached over once again and took my hand. This time, I didn’t pull away.
“He was physical with Evan, hitting him whenever he didn’t live up to his standards. It started when I was barely ten, Evan was twelve. It finally stopped one day when Evan was sixteen and brought home a ‘C’ on a geometry test. He got up in Evan’s face, telling him that he’d be a failure unless he got his shit together – the usual stuff. By this time, I was fourteen and already on my way to being taller and bigger than my dad. I had enough of him bullying Evan, so I stepped in between them, balled my hand up and slammed him in the face.”
“Oh my God,” she said. “What happened?”
“Nothing. He stood there with a little bit of blood trickling down his nose. Then he smirked a little, wiped the blood with the back of his hand, and walked off. He never came after Evan like that again. Looking back, I figured it was because he realized we weren’t kids anymore, kids that he could easily smack around and overpower. Any one of us could kick his ass if we wanted to. Whatever the reason, he gave all of us our distance.”
“That must’ve been a relief.”
“It was and it wasn’t. My biggest fear, the thing I’d lost sleep over since I was little, was that one day he was going to really hurt Evan. And then turn his fists on me. I was getting furious just thinking about it, one hand under Dream’s and the other clenched hard under the table. “But it never happened. All the same, I was a bundle of nerves until Evan and me were gone, shipped off for the service.”
I wasn’t quite sure how to describe how I felt after I’d said what I had.
“Things are rough with my mom,” she said. “But that’s a whole other level.”
“I know your mom,” I said. “She’s…got her faults. But she loves you and wants the best for you. Hell, maybe my dad’s the same way. But never in my life will I regret doing what I did.”
“And you shouldn’t,” said Dream. “You stuck up for yourself and your brother, and you’re a stronger person because of it. And I understand now why you are the way you are. But you don’t need to be that way with me.”
I shook my head. “Funny thing is it actually makes me feel weak.”
“You’re not weak – you’re one of the strongest people I know and what you just told me only makes me more certain of that. You stayed strong not just for yourself, but for your brother.”
I didn’t know what to say.
“I never told any of this to anyone for obvious reasons. But more than anything, I was worried I’d explain it to someone, and they’d feel pity for me. Pity’s the last damn thing I want.”
“I don’t pity you, Jay,” she said. “I admire you. Life handed you something difficult and you worked through it. Now, all you need to do is let that anger go.”
“I know. Just not sure I’m ready to yet.”
“You don’t need to do it now,” she said. “Take your time and think about it. But if you ever decide one day to confront your dad about all this, let me know. I can give you some backup.” She followed this up with a warm, loving smile.
The idea of looking the old man in the eye and telling him how I felt about what happened…it was too much to process. But knowing Dream had my back went a hell of a long way.
“Thanks, Dream. I appreciate it.” I slipped my hand from under hers. “Now, eat your damn food – it’s getting cold.”
She smiled one more time before turning her attention to her breakfast. As I took a bite, I realized that there was a hell of a lot more to what was going on with me and Dream than just sex. It was fulfilling on all levels, mental, physical, and spiritual.
I couldn’t wait for whatever was next.
