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“Wait, you what? Seriously, what is it with you two and those fucking pigs? It’s fucking gross.”
“Babe, he is not mafia. You read way too many books.” Josh laughs as he pulls me out of the room.
We make it up to Zac’s office easily enough. “Bathroom’s through there. I’ll be downstairs. Try not to kill anyone,” Zac grunts as he walks out.
“Sure thing,” Josh says, leading me into the bathroom and closing the door behind him. I find myself in yet another over-the-top, luxurious bathroom. Josh is silent as he turns the water on, adjusting the tap until he’s satisfied with the temperature.
He’s also silent as he removes his jacket, then his holster and shirt. His eyes never leave mine as he toes off his shoes and pulls his pants down. I just stand here. As I wait in the silence, the whole scene of what just happened replays in my head. In graphic detail. The dead look in Josh’s eyes as he ran the knife across her throat. My reaction afterwards. All the blood…
I feel nauseous. My body erupts in a cold sweat, causing me to shiver. Oh God, I’m going to be sick. Rushing to the loo, I crouch down over it. Can my life get any more miserable right now? Tears stream down my cheeks as my stomach rejects every bit of liquor I’ve consumed tonight. My whole body shakes as I sob into the porcelain bowl.
Josh is right behind me, rubbing his hand up and down my back, holding my hair away from my face and whispering how everything is going to be all right. He’s wrong. How is it going to be all right? How can we ever be okay? We’re both fucked up. Josh and I are two very messed up wrongs. They say two wrongs do not make a right. If that’s true, then why does being his feel so damn right?
“Emmy, babe, it’s going to be okay. We are going to be okay. We have to be.”
“Josh, what’s wrong with me?” I ask him.
“Em, you’re in shock. It’s okay. That… I shouldn’t have done that in front of you. I will never forgive myself for that. I’m sorry, so fucking sorry.”
“That’s the thing, Josh. I should care. I should be running right now. Except I don’t care. I don’t care that I just watched you… you… I don’t care about that. I should care, but I don’t. That’s not normal. Love shouldn’t be so blind. We shouldn’t be okay with this.”
“Emily, look at me.” The fact that he called me Emily makes my head snap right up. He rarely calls me Emily. It’s always Emmy or Em.
“There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with us. What we have, it’s so much more than love, Emily. What we have, the connection we share, it’s unbreakable. It always has been. We have something people spend their whole lives wishing to find. The stuff Hallmark wished they could capture in a card. What we have, whatever it is, it’s beautiful. It’s extraordinary. Immeasurable. It’s unfailing.”
Josh kisses the top of my head and lifts me up to my feet. He unzips my dress, slowly pulling it down my body. He bends over and unclips my shoes, removing one at a time before dragging my panties down my legs.
I capture my reflection in the mirror. My hair stained with blood from Josh’s hands. My eyes red. My face blotchy. And all I can think is: I’ve looked worse.
