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“You didn’t get along with the girls?” Sylvie asked.
“I had a couple of them I would spend time with, but we all competed for the same parts. I know we want to believe in this girl-power world, but it’s often not like that. We still view each other as competition.” Brynn was envious of the bond these three had.
“But Janie’s World was so female-power oriented,” Sylvie said. “I loved that show because of all the positive female friendships. It wasn’t a bunch of women looking for men.”
“It was about family.” She’d figured that out somewhere during year three. “Both blood and the ones we make for ourselves. The actresses who played the adult characters were close. I just never felt comfortable making friends there outside of Stephen.”
“Why is that?” Sera asked.
“I think because I didn’t understand the world the way they did. I remember filming one episode where the kids were having a slumber party and it was weird because I’d never done that,” she replied, a wistfulness overtaking her. “I didn’t have playdates. I went to auditions. It wasn’t a terrible life, but I’m starting to think it wasn’t a childhood. I didn’t figure out the things most people do.”
“Do you feel like you never got to be you? Like you were always busy being the characters you portrayed? I always thought that must be confusing for a kid. You don’t know who you are yet but you spend a lot of time being someone else,” Hallie mused.
“I’m not sure about that.” She knew herself pretty well. Didn’t she? Or was she the creation of those around her? Had she been molded to fit a pretty shape she’d had little decision in? She had to make a few things clear. “My mom didn’t force me to act. I liked it.”
“You used the past tense,” Sylvie pointed out.
She had. “Well, it’s a job, and one I’ve been doing for a long time. I suspect everyone gets to a point where they question their choices. I might be experiencing some burnout.”
“I can imagine. You gave ten interviews, and they all asked you the same questions,” Sera said. “That would be maddening. I can’t imagine all that scrutiny. You’re very different than I thought you would be. I expected you to come in and start making all kinds of demands.”
“Most actors aren’t like that.” She knew the stereotype she was fighting. “We have to get along and kind of roll with the punches.” She’d been doing it for years. She had to think of the production, of how she would be perceived. “In this business you have to be liked, especially if you’re female.”
Sylvie huffed. “Don’t I know it. If I show one ounce of irritation, I’m an angry black woman. In that way I guess show business is a lot like politics.”
“I think all businesses are the same when it comes to that,” Sera replied. “But Brynn needs to find her squad. She needs a group of women she can depend on. Even if it’s mostly phone calls and FaceTime. I think you’re right. You didn’t have a normal childhood. You need to start thinking about yourself, too. I know that seems weird coming from a mom. We’re supposed to give everything we have to our families, but if our well is empty, then there’s not a lot to give.”
“My mom took me aside before Marci was born,” Sylvie offered. “She told me I needed to pick one thing to be selfish about. One thing that is nonnegotiable and only for me. Rene has his poker nights, and I have my girls’ nights. Once a week the other one takes care of the baby and we each get a night to ourselves. My mom was right. It’s important to fill that well however it needs to be filled.”
Wasn’t that what Gavin was offering her? Or was it another ambition trap? Wouldn’t the pressure be on if she put herself in another highly competitive venue? She’d thought about it all afternoon. Initially, it had seemed like some glorious, peaceful thing, but it was the Sorbonne. It was elite, and there would be lots of pressure on her all over again.
It seemed nicer to stay here and paint just for herself for a while. Until she was ready and certain she wanted to try doing art seriously.
It seemed like there was never enough time for her.
“I think you should do that Eat, Pray, Love thing. It worked real well for Julia Roberts,” Hallie offered.
Brynn’s cell phone buzzed in her pocket. She wanted to ignore it because it was almost certainly her mom wanting to know when they could meet for dinner to talk about the new contracts. Or the production team wanting to give her a schedule for next week.
It wasn’t like either would go away, so she pulled the phone out. “Sorry, I have to take this. You guys have fun tonight.”
