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I frown. “What?”
“He seemed happy,” she repeats. “Dad. He see—”
“Yeah, I heard you, but… Really?” Honestly, I don’t know what I have to say about the man, but his happiness isn’t really at the top of my list.
Jess does look at me now, and it strikes me just how grown up she is. Sure, I’ll always be five years older and ten inches taller and be the only one to sprinkle salt over my cinnamon rolls. Those are facts, hard as concrete. But Jess isn’t the baby sister I read stories to before bed because she wouldn’t let Meredith do it anymore. No longer do I have to walk her to her classroom at school, then wait a few minutes to make sure she’s going to be okay on her own.
She’s an adult, married to one of my best friends, with a baby on the way.
And she can find the kindness to notice that Jude seemed happy.
“Do you disagree?” she asks, holding my gaze. She might have to tilt her chin to do so, but that doesn’t mean she’s any less intimidating.
“No, but I can’t say I was focused on hishappiness,” I say, resting my hands on my gun belt. Blessed familiarity, yet again. “You know, considering he dropped the bomb about having another sibling and all.”
“And it’s because of that sibling that he looked so happy.”
I bite back a growl. “And yet, he didn’t think about possibly trying to find that happiness with us? He was in prison for four years, on parole for one. Unless math has changed in the past few minutes, that doesn’t add up to twenty-two years and some months.”
“And yet, he showed up to give us a chance to know Jake.” Jess has a defiant glint in her eyes. Any other time I’d be proud to know she can hold her own. “I’m not excusing what he’s done, Seth. I promise you that. And I know men’s and women’s brains are wired very differently, so I imagine you have different emotions to sort through than I do. Namely anger, based on your expression right now.”
I scowl. “I’m not angry.”
“Uh-huh. Tell that to the perpetual frown you wear all the time.” She pauses and looks down at the hand resting on her swollen belly, then smiles briefly, a hint of mischief lurking in the crinkles by her eyes. “Except for when Jenna’s around, of course. Then you can’tnotsmile.”
My phone vibrates and I pull it from my vest pocket. Nothing important, but I only have ten minutes left of my lunch break and I’ve yet to eat anything. I couldn’t eat before the meeting with our father, and there’s a good chance I still won’t be able to stomach anything. I’ll eat, of course, because I know better than to skip a meal. I just have a strong feeling I won’t enjoy whatever I do force down.
“I should probably get going.” I slide my phone back into its pocket and clear my throat. “You know, duty calls.”
“Seth—”
“I’ll call you later, okay?” I know I’m chickening out of this conversation, but I can’t do it right now. “How about I grab a package of hot dogs and I’ll grill out tonight? Promise me you won’t eat all the cupcakes you’re making, though.”
“Seth—”
“Oh, and—”
“Seth!”Jess’s voice cuts straight through the sticky August air like a knife through tender flesh. It’s equally as sharp and painful, too. “Would you just freaking listen to me for one minute?!”
I swallow, having to force myself to hold her gaze as I nod.
“I don’t know how I feel about Dad,” she says firmly. “I really don’t. And yeah, I kinda wanted to lay into him like youreallywanted to do. But the only reason I didn’t is because of Jake. You just said that you’re upset because Dad didn’t tell us about our half-brother. So am I. How would you have felt if he showed up sixteen years ago when you were—” she pauses to do the math “—eighteen and I was thirteen, though? Far as I know, you were even more hellbent on being upset with him then.”
I don’t answer her question because I don’t have an answer.
“I get it. It’s a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation,” she continues. “But if you brush this off and say not to call him, Jake will never know about us. Isn’t that a little unfair, especially for a boy who probably smiles at something as painfully simple as a lightning bug?”
I’m not sure where my soft sister went, but this woman in front of me is onfire. And because I don’t have the proper tools to extinguish it considering none of my words will probably come out right, I don’t try. I stay still, remind myself I have to keep breathing, and maintain eye contact.
“I mean, honestly. When did the world become so damn caught up in thenext best thingthat we forgot about simple pleasures like lightning bugs and laughing at the dumbest things and just being still?” She’s on a roll, probably considering taking her speech on the road and mapping out the best way to contact Tony Robbins or someone similar. “I really don’t have the answer for that, but I do know it would be straight-up selfish to keep it a secret from Jake. Because regardless of Dad’s actions and choices, Jake is a very innocent reminder of the good in this world. Don’t you think we need a little more of that in our lives?”
Her question hangs unanswered in the air. I turn back to the railing, propping my forearms on it as I lean forward, wishing some divine answer would just appear. Realistically, I know that’s probably not likely. But stranger things than, say, an airplane towing a sign behind it out of the blue have happened. You know, like my dad showing up randomly to tell us about our brother.
“Seth?” Jess prods, poking me in the bicep. “Are you seriously going to just ignore me? You of all people should appreciate a direct question.”
I inhale deeply through my nose until it feels like my lungs are going to pop, then release it through my pursed lips. My counselor in college told me to exhale as though I have a straw between my lips. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if I substituted a straw for clenched teeth, right?
“Yes,” I say in response to her question, still not looking at her. “We do need more of that. But I…” My words trail off when emotion clogs my throat.
