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“And? Does it get easier or harder? Have you changed as a result?”
“I have become less. Holding onto what is left of my mind is all I have been doing and some days that means endlessly reminding myself of everything. Then I watch Julie hold his hand and I want to rip out his other eye.” He snarls and swells as the anger wraps around him.
A heartbeat later, he shrinks back to human size.
Which is the real Theo, this small version or something much bigger than he has revealed? I am right not to trust him. I could lash out and poison him before he has a chance to stab me, or maybe we would both die together, leaving Michael and Julie to play at being happy.
My tail swishes and rattles, giving away my thoughts, so I force myself to be still.
“Less or less monstrous?”
“Just less. I want…I thought having a name would do something. But Talon or Theo, it doesn’t seem to matter. Nothing changed.”
“By helping each other, we aren’t behaving like monsters. By having the kind of sex where everyone survives—”
“Enjoys it,” Theo corrects. “I think that matters.”
“So when Julie talked about compassion.” And by talked, I mean yelled it at the man she hated and who was clearly an asshole. “She was talking about kindness. That is the thing that matters here.”
Michael was kind to me. Did that slow our changes? He was kind to Julie and got two fingers back, but also lost an eye.
Theo sighs. “I don’t think it’s enough to not be a monster. Why has she got no voice? Why have I not become human? I haven’t killed anyone since I left the center. I have avoided all fights—”
“You’re practically a saint,” I say, the words tripping off my forked tongue, but then I have to think for a moment what the words even mean.
“Not being bad is not the same as being good.” He remains slumped over. “Get some sleep. I will sit up.”
“It’s fine.”
“I’ve watched you sleep plenty of times. If I wanted to slit your throat, I’d have done it by now.”
That is completely not reassuring at all, and I feel the anger and need to protect what is mine surge. I uncoil and rise up, but he doesn’t move. If I attacked, would he sit there and let it happen?
I sink back down and instead of attacking like a monster, I try to be a man. I reach out a hand and let it sink into the darkness around him the way I saw Julie do.
He flinches but doesn’t pull away. Then my hand touches cold, human like skin. He could be anything in there. I try not to shudder. We are all monsters, and I shouldn’t be disgusted by how someone else has changed. Though what disappearing says about him, I don’t know. I think I am touching a shoulder and he seems to be reasonably solid, as though he is made of flesh. He was solid when I ran at him and bounced off him. “We will think of something so that you can start changing.”
If I’d known that sex would catalyze changes, I’d have told Michael how I felt years ago and done more than hint. But back then we didn’t understand shit and if we’d suddenly became human, we’d have been eaten as soon as we left the cave. I would never have had the balls to do what Julie has done.
10
Theo/Talon
Iremain hunched over long after Joe joins the others to rest. The rage, and the need to kill them all, and take Julie, burns through me, scouring my veins. If Joe had bitten me, at least this torment would be over. I think I did a good job of hiding how much I wanted to spill his blood.
Staying small helps me think more human, letting the rage swell me like I’m some kind of bloated leech only feeds my need to fight and kill. And I cannot afford any slips.
I must behave human, like Julie. I glance back to where the three of them rest. Julie is probably asleep. The other two? Are they awake and talking softly?
Perhaps Joe is sharing what was on that page with Michael, but I doubt it. They are on either side of Julie, and Joe is hardly in the cave. He is coiled at the front. He is the one I will need to watch, as he is quick to anger and his rage fuels mine. If we are not careful, we will push each other over the edge, and Michael and Julie will not make it far without us.
No killing.
No fighting.
Not until I am closer to the center, and only if I have to.
What I need is a way to touch without maiming.
