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I agree with her. It will be nice to be able to do that. I can spend more time with Ava then, too. I’m going to start looking for staff for our Paris offices, too, so that I can start designing full time. At the moment, I’m so busy sometimes, my designs happen after hours. I want to start managing my time better.
We get to the airport and it’s time to say goodbye. Michelle hugs me and holds onto me for a long time.
“Are you going to be okay?” she asks.
“Of course,” I say. “I know what I’m doing. And it’s not like we’re never seeing each other again. We’ll talk all the time, and text, and video call, and everything.”
Michelle nods. “Yeah. But I meant with Noah.”
I know what she meant. I’m trying to sidestep the topic.
“I’m fine,” I say.
Michelle offers me a doubtful look but I nod.
“Really, I’m fine.” Except for the fact that in my chest, a shattered heart struggles to beat. “I’m going to keep powering on. That’s all there is to do.”
“I guess so,” Michelle says. “I really wish there was a way to work it out between you.”
“I won’t allow myself to wonder about that,” I admit. “There’s no use in wondering ‘what if.’ Either it is, or it isn’t. I can’t afford anything else. I have to think about the business and about Ava. That’s my only concern.”
Michelle nods. “I get it.”
She’s seen me take care of everything as a single mom from the start. If there’s anything that I’ve learned, it’s that choosing to raise a child means laying down everything that might have mattered once. That includes stupid decisions for the sake of love. It’s not only my life hanging in the balance anymore, and she deserves more.
She deserves stability. She deserves a good life. She deserves me being present all the time. The rest can happen if, and only if, Ava is taken care of and happy.
“Thank you,” I say, hugging Michelle tightly. “For everything. The Fashion Week was a success because of you. Hell, the whole business is a success because of you.”
“Because ofus,” she says.
I nod. “We’re great together. But you’re also a wonderful friend, and I appreciate you more than you know.”
Michelle finally lets go and we’re both emotional.
“It’s going to be a good life, Ray.”
I nod. “It is.”
We say our last, teary goodbye before I walk through the gates that lead to the luggage check-in and Michelle can’t follow. I need to wait a while before my flight. I can’t call Maria—it’s the middle of the night over there—and I don’t know what else to do.
I can’t stop thinking about Noah and what I said to him. I was wrong to be so mean. He’s changed so much, and I need him to know that.
When I call his number, my stomach twists in a knot of nerves while I wait for his deep, smooth voice to come over the line. But the phone rings until voicemail picks it up. I’m about to leave a message. I have it all played out in my head.
I’m sorry for what I said. I was wrong—you’re so much more than just a fling. You’re a wonderful man, and the week with you has been amazing. I hate how we left things. I hope, when we see each other, we can meet as friends.
I don’t say any of those things. Instead, I end the call and stare at my phone screen.
Why would he want to talk to me? It’s not the first time he hasn’t answered. I’m suddenly back to being younger and pregnant and scared, needing him to answer the phone so we can walk this unknown road together. And he’s on the other end, not picking up. Doing God-knows-what with other women.
It will be better if he goes back to the life he had before me. It will be better if he lives the way he always has. I don’t think that he’s worthless, but I don’t want to be the person to pin him down. I have Ava—my life is complicated. I’m a package deal. Noah deserves to live his life, create his dreams, and chase after them.
I have a lump in my throat that’s hard to breathe around when the boarding call sounds, and I stand, shouldering my carry-on. When I hand the gate attendant my ticket, she smiles and bids me a safe journey.
I step into the tunnel, onto the plane, and find my seat. The seat next to me is empty—Michelle would have sat here with me.
The world is beautiful with the white snow flanking the dark runways. I try to focus on the beauty instead of thinking about Noah and what might have been between us. I keep telling everyone not to worry about “what ifs.” It’s so dangerous. But now and then—more so now that I’ve been with Noah again—I wonder what my life would have been like if I made different choices. If I went back to Texas instead of choosing not to burden my mom. If I stayed in New York and tried to make it on my own. If Noah answered his phone back then. If I told Noah Ava is his when he found out I have a daughter.
