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I try to stop myself from doing it, but it’s no use. My mind is running in circles, taking me on a journey that just twists and stabs in my chest, making me feel rotten for what I said to him.
I’m glad I came to Fashion Week. My career will never be the same. I’m glad I saw Noah again—he’s different than I remember him and he deserves me knowing that about him.
But I hate that I have a broken heart. I hate that I don’t know how to make things right.
I miss Ava.
But I hate that I don’t have more time to figure out what I want. What I need. And what the best thing will be moving forward.
At the last minute, an older woman boards the plane and she’s awarded the seat next to me. After putting her carry-on in the overhead compartment, she sits down and shakes the cold from her coat. She smells like snow.
“I nearly didn’t make this one,” she says with a French lilt. “Just when you thought you had a bit of extra space, eh?” She smiles at me.
“Just when I thought I might be alone, I have a bit of company. Where are you from?”
“Oh, California, initially. But it’s been so long…Lyon, now, officially. How about you?”
“Texas,” I say. “Initially. But now, Paris is my home.”
“Ah, the city of love, no?” She smiles again.
“That’s what they say.”
“Ah, but with that face…the city of heartbreak, too?”
I smile. “Something like that.”
“Don’t you worry, dear,” she says and pats my hand. “Time heals all wounds, and even if it doesn’t feel like that now, it mends broken hearts too. You will learn to love again.”
I nod. She’s right; I know I’ll learn to love again. It’s possible to move forward, to move on. The thing is, I don’t know if that’s what I want. Do I want to learn to love again? It’s hard to imagine finding new love when the love I’m leaving behind is so unexplored.
“Is it wrong to have it all?” I ask her, even though she’s a stranger.
“What do you mean?”
“Love, a career, a happily ever after. Or is that only reserved for the movies when my life follows the rules?”
“What are the rules?”
“Get married. Have babies. Not have babies…and then nothing.”
“Single parent?” she asks. “Me too,” she adds when I nod.
“Really?”
She nods. “He was the dreamiest man I ever met. I thought he was the answer to all my questions. Until, after a night that never should have happened, he walked out of my life and never looked back. It took me a long time to understand. But my son is everything. He’s on his own, now, old enough to live a life without me. But he helped me find myself. He forced me to find a part of me I wouldn’t have found without him and do things I would never have been able to do. And that’s worth every bit of heartache that came with his father walking away.”
“Did you find love again? Or is that not for women like us? Does the universe not allow the usual pathway when we’ve already strayed so early on?”
“Hmm,” she says, thinking about it. “I think it’s not a question of if it’s wrong or right with theuniverseto have it all. I think it’s a case of whether it’s wrong or right withyou.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sometimes, we don’t allow ourselves the happiness we want because we think we don’t deserve it. Once you realize you deserve to have it all, the rest is a matter of time.”
I stare at her. “I never think I don’t deserve it.”
“No? You never blame yourself for the choices you’ve made? Wonder what you could have done better?”
