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I think about Ava and the life I wish she had. I think about how I often think I messed up; I fell pregnant too early, I’m robbing her of the family I’ve always wanted for her because of the choices I made.
“I don’t know,” I finally say. It’s a hard question to answer.
“People always talk about how important forgiveness is—let your grudges go toward another because the anger will eat you up inside. Isn’t that what they say?”
When I nod, she continues. “But they never talk about how important it is to forgive ourselves. You deserve all the happiness in the world, my dear. Simply because you’re worth it. And once you realize that…the rest falls into place.”
I shake my head. “I wish it was that simple.”
“My dear, itisthat simple.”
The plane starts to move, rolling onto the tarmac. It goes faster and faster, rattling beneath our seats, humming and groaning, and finally, it pushes into the air and takes flight. My stomach sinks to my shoes and bounces back again when we lift off, and I look out of the window as the landscape shrinks beneath us. I see the city becoming a scale model far below, with matchbox cars lined up in traffic and ants running around to their next appointments. For a moment, I see the city in one snapshot, and then we fly across the ocean and there’s nothing but a breathtaking blue beneath me.
I wish I could have had a snapshot of my life like I just saw of the city—an overview of what’s to come. I wish I could have made my decisions accordingly, instead of being so close that I have to close my eyes and hope for the best.
But life never works that way, does it? We get to revel in the beauty of it all being up close and risk what comes with the inability to see further than right now.
We have to make our mistakes. And forgive ourselves for them.
Maybe I need to start doing that, too.
Chapter 25
Raven
When we land in Paris, I disembark and collect my luggage. When I walk out through the doors, a squeal sounds, and the next moment, Ava jumps into my arm.
“Mommy!” she cries out and kisses me all over my face. “I missed you!”
I hold her tightly and try not to cry. “I missed you so much,ma Cherie.Are you well?”
She nods, and I set her down, looking at my beaming daughter.
She looks every bit like Noah, from her blonde hair to her blue eyes, and my throat tightens.
“Raven, my darling,” Maria says, coming to us. She envelopes me in a hug, too. “Did you have a good flight?”
I nod. “I’m sorry I had to stay away longer.”
“Nonsense, it’s not your fault. You’re home safe, and that’s all that matters.”
I nod and we turn to leave the airport.
Maria’s car is waiting in the temporary parking lot, and we head home.
“Was it really cold?” Ava asks. “Did you get stuck inside? Did you have food?”
I laugh. “It was freezing. We didn’t have phones for a little bit, but everything else was fine, just too much snow for the planes to fly.”
“How was work?” Maria adds.
I tell her about Fashion Week and how well it went while Ava weaves her staccato conversation through ours, telling me about the zoo and the park and the movies they’ve been to.
“And Jean-Pierre came to see me, Mommy! He was really nice; he bought me ice cream even when Maria says it’s too cold. Right, Auntie Maria?”
Maria glances at me. I feel sick when Ava talks about Jean-Pierre and swallows. I want to know if he came calling again. I want to know if Maria sent him away the way she promised she would. But I’m not going to talk about him in front of Ava. She doesn’t need to be drawn into the grownup conversation about my ex and how I wish he’d disappear out of our lives forever.
Maria has Ava’s belongings in the trunk of her car and takes us right to our apartment. It’s on the top floor of an old, yellowed building. We climb the four flights of stairs and I unlock the narrow doorway. The living area is large, with high ceilings and wooden floors. Ava drags her wheelie bag to her bedroom and Maria brings the bag with her stuffed toys in it. Ava runs back to get it before disappearing again.
