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“Thank you so much for picking me up,” I say to her. “And for watching Ava a little longer than expected. You have no idea how great it was to have some peace of mind about her.”
Maria hugs me. “Anytime, Raven. I’m so happy things went well for you.”
I glance toward the hallway that leads to the bedrooms and office. “Did he try to see her again?”
Maria hesitates. “He phoned twice, but not in person. I told him you’re not happy with him seeing her.”
I groan. “You’re making me sound like the villain. He’s not her father; he has no claim to her.”
“No, he’s not.” Maria purses her lips before she keeps going and I know what’s coming next. “But he’s the only father figure she’s ever known.”
“And he’s not good for her.” I keep my voice low. I can hear Ava singing in the room while she arranges her stuffed animals in their usual spots again. “I don’t care what he says; it’s my job to keep her safe.”
“He hasn’t done anything to her, Raven,” Maria says. “And she needs a male role model—”
“To look up to,” I say, nodding. “And I don’t want her looking up to someone like him. Jean-Pierre loses his temper too easily. He has no respect for women, and he treats her like she’s in his way. Just because it’s all she knows doesn’t mean it’s acceptable.”
Maria sighs. “I just want you to have someone.”
“I know.” I think about Noah and it’s painful. “But I’m not going to try again with him for the sake of having someone. If it doesn’t work, it’s not worth it. For either of us. Not just for Ava, but for me, too. I need to make sure I’m happy.”
Maria blinks at me. “You’ve never put it quite like that.”
“No? I guess not.” I’ve always talked about how Jean-Pierre wasn’t good for me, either, but I’ve never stressed my own happiness so clearly. Only that I didn’t want to beunhappy. But they’re not mutually exclusive, and after talking to the woman on the plane—I didn’t even ask her name—I’m starting to think that she’s right. I need to allow myself to be happy. Deliriously so, not just getting by.
I deserve it.
“You’re a good mother, Raven. A good businesswoman. A good person. I just want to see you settled.”
I nod. “And I have a wonderful life. I’m settled.”
She doesn’t agree with me; I know that. It’s easy for her to say she wants to see me with someone when Jean-Pierre comes calling—she doesn’t have to live with him. She doesn’t know what he can be like.
“Would you like something to drink?” I ask.
Maria shakes her head. “I think I’m going home; I’ll leave the two of you to catch up.”
I nod and hug her goodbye before Maria walks to Ava’s room to say goodbye to her, too.
When she’s gone, I walk to Ava’s room and sit on her pink bed. The bedspread is a deep fuchsia with fairies all over it, and Fairy Marla right in the middle. Here, we get the shows translated into French and Ava loves her.
When I see the fairy, I think about Noah and Kylie. I run my fingers over the fairy’s wings and my heart aches.
Ava cups my cheeks with small, sticky hands. “What’s wrong, Mommy?”
“I think I need some fresh air,” I say brightly. “How about we take a walk to that bistro we like so much and get some hot chocolate?”
“Yes!” Ava agrees enthusiastically, and I laugh.
She runs to put her boots and her coat back on, and I grab my handbag. I’ll unpack later when Ava is settled. I want to spend time with my daughter.
We climb down the flights of stairs again and walk out onto the street. We pass people we know, and I greet them. They welcome me home with warmth. This is where I belong. I know the people here. Ava is happy. Being in Paris, owning a fashion house, and designing for a living is what I’ve always wanted.
And yet, I feel empty.
“When are we going to see Jean-Pierre again?” Ava asks when we turn into the bistro.
I sigh. “I don’t think we should see him again,Cherie.”
