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“None of that is bad, Natalie. Why are you so afraid of that?”
I know she’s trying to make it sound like it’s about losing him when I lost David. But for a change, it’s not about that.
“It’s bad if it’s not what hewants.Everything in his life seems forced on him. I don’t know him very well, but from what he’s told me, he’s never had much of a choice when it comes to anything that’s important to him. And I won’t do that to him. I can’t. I…” I let out my breath in a shudder. “I can’t do that to someone I love.” I don’t add that I won’t do it to him when he doesn’t trust me. That will just make things more complicated. Dianne can figure that part out of herself. If we’re not together—which is the decision I made—then it doesn’t matter if he trusts me or not.
Dianne’s features soften.
“Natalie, don’t you think he should be able to decide for himself what he wants? How can he know if he wants this baby and a life with you if he doesn’t know about it?”
“You’re wrong.” My eyes burn and my throat is thick and I’m struggling to keep it together. “He’s not going tochooseus. He’s going to choose theright thing.”
“Which is you.”
“But that’s not the same.” I can’t stop crying and angrily wipe at the tears now, makeup be damned. “Choosing me because he loves me is not the same as choosing me because morally that’s what he should do. And I don’t want to be someone who forces him into something he might not want.”
Dianne looks like she wants to argue with me, but I won’t hear it. And maybe she knows that about me by now. Because she doesn’t try.
“What are you going to do?” she asks.
“I don’t know,” I say, sniveling. I fold the wet tissues in squares, trying to envision the future and failing. It’s too much to figure out right now. “Raise the baby alone. Just like I did with Kylie. I’ve done this before; I can do it again. Kylie isn’t a toddler anymore. She can take care of herself in a lot of ways. I don’t have to physically take care of her the way it was when she was still a toddler. It won’t be impossible to raise two kids as a single parent. A lot of people do it.”
Dianne nods. “I’m sure you can manage.”
I know she wants to tell me I should tell Mason. And a part of me aches for him. I want to tell him so we can figure it out and I don’t have to do it alone again. I want to tell him so that we can be together because when I’m with him, I feel like I can handle anything.
But it’s better this way.
“I know this is the right thing to do,” I say, trying not to cry again. “And at least he’s still alive. I’ve lost him, but he’s still around. And that has to be enough.”
“But will it be?” Dianne asks.
I squeeze my eyes shut and try to swallow my tears.
“It has to be.”
Chapter 29
Mason
I want to call her but I stop myself. I want to text her, but I keep myself occupied so I don’t think about her. I’m not going to be the asshole who follows her around and arrives unannounced at her home or her office.
I know I fucked up. Insisting on shit that might not be true. Nicole’s betrayal years ago apparently still blinds me. And that thought alone fucks me up.
But I can’t be the person crawling back with my tail between my legs. She has every reason to have ended things, I should man up and deal with it.
No matter how much it fucking hurts.
“It’s my fault,” I say when I’m in a pub with Jackson, sucking on beer bottles like my life depends on it. I don’t want to drink anything harder than beer because Jackson will have to peel me from the sidewalk if I do.
I want to drink myself into a coma, and I won’t do that. My life is shit. No reason to make it anyone else’s problem. Fucking saint right here—I can’t even give myself permission to let myself go and feel what I need to feel.
“I don’t think it’s that simple,” Jackson says.
I frown at him. “Why?”
“Because we all have issues, right? I mean, fuck, I’m a nasty piece of work, too. But when people who love you get involved, they take on that shit, and you figure it out.”
I blink at him. “Did you just admit you’re a son of a bitch?”
