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“Because I’m trying so hard not to be,” I say with a sigh. “Isn’t that always how it works out? We try so hard not to be like someone that we end up being exactly like that. And that fortune teller, Madame Dorota, said a few things about my past that suggest I’ll end up right where I don’t want to be.”
Rachel pushes herself up so that she’s sitting, looking down at me.
“You can’t do this to yourself,” she says firmly. “She’s just a fortune teller, not a fortune decider.”
I laugh. “That’s the same thing.”
“Not at all. You still have control over your future, you know.”
“Do I?” I ask.
Rachel nods. “She said all kinds of things that might not even be true.”
“Like that we belong together?” I ask.
She looks down, a small smile playing around her lips.
“That was also a choice. We could have chosen not to be together like this you know. I could have said no to joining you this weekend. You could have chosen not to let me do the rest of your wardrobe.”
“You’re good at your job.”
“Still a decision.”
She’s right, but I’m not so surehowright. Because although we made decisions that brought us here doesn’t mean that we could have done it differently. I know that I can’t stay away from her. No matter what I do, I can’t stop thinking about her.
What does that mean about our future together?
And what does that mean about my past?
“I understand why this is tough on you,” Rachel finally says. “I have a past that makes me question my future, too.”
“You do?”
She nods. “I was in a long-term relationship where I meant very little, and I’m always scared that if I start dating again, I’ll fall into the same rut. But I can’t let that define everything I do. It’s still my choice to fight, to stand up and decide what I want and what I don’t want.”
“He was an idiot,” I blurt out.
“My ex?” Rachel asks with a laugh.
“Yeah. An idiot for not seeing who you really are. And an idiot for letting you go.”
She smiles at me and I reach for her. I take her hand, and she holds it in both of hers.
“Look, nothing is set in stone. No matter how says it. You still get to choose who you want to be.”
I nod. In theory, what she says is true.
But I can’t imagine my dad waking up one day and choosing to be a monster.
It just happened.
And what if itjust happensto me?
Rachel lies down next to me and shifts closer. I put my arm around her shoulders and hold onto her. She puts her head on my chest, and I can’t help but think that the fortune teller was onto something when she said we were together.
My stomach turns. I don’t want her to be right. Because that would mean my past is something I need to worry about.
If you run with your eyes closed, you do not know if you’re running away from danger… or toward it.
