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“This was left for you.” Alison hands me a small, book-shaped package.
There’s a blue pastel heart stuck to it that saysforget rule onein Cooper’s familiar handwriting. My heartbeat stutters.
Forget taking it slow?
“When?” I breathe.
My roommate shrugs. “Not sure. It was here when I got back.” She grabs her wristlet. “I’m heading down to the student union. Want to come?”
I hug Cooper’s mystery gift to my chest. “Not right now. I’ll eat later. Thanks, though.”
It’s the first time I’ve said no to something in two weeks. I don’t feel like I’m missing out.
Alison shrugs, unbothered. “See you later.”
Shucking off my backpack, I scramble onto my bed cross-legged and flip the package over. When I tear off the wrapping, I find a notebook that saysburn after writingon the cover. Out of all the notebooks I’ve collected, I’ve never had a self-destructing notebook where I could metaphorically erase anything I put in it. An intrigued thrill sparks to life inside me.
It’s the old, familiar natural high of opening a new, unmarked notebook.Possibilities, my mind whispers. My lips twitch. Inside the cover, there’s another message in his handwriting.
Screw the rules. Life doesn’t always go to plan. It’s okay not to know what comes next, T. Make mistakes. That’s real life.
A smile breaks free. I hear the encouraging words in his smooth, charming voice echoing in my head and touching my heart.
The first page is challenges:Be Honest (There’s No One Watching). Cooper filled it in already with a letter to me.
Tatum,
When I saw this, I thought of you. Sorry for stealing the first page, but it’s important. The back says it’s about being honest and I haven’t been honest with you when it mattered, so I think I needed to fill in this page more than you do.
The thing is, being honest scares the shit out of me. It’s why I couldn’t declare a major without your help showing me what my interests could lead to. Why I didn’t think I deserved the deeper connection I crave instead of empty hook ups. I haven’t been real with myself about so many of the things I want from my life.
But you’re honest, Tate. You’re aware of what you want and you go for those things without holding back. I’ve always admired that about you.
A trembling breath escapes me while I read and I shake my head. “I’m not. I’m afraid, too.”
If only he knew the biggest thing I’ve been keeping from him. Fear is human nature. It’s how we deal with our fears that defines our bravery.
I pull the notebook closer as if it’ll bring him closer as I continue reading.
I’m sorry I disappeared after we got back from L.A. You asked me to be a friend, and I crashed and burned hard. I don’t think I’m good at being your friend. The last time you asked if we could stay friends, I knew I could never think of you as a friend when I need to kiss your perfect lips like I need to breathe. (Do me a favor and burn this page so Jackson never finds it. He doesn’t need to know what happened after that kiss.)
I thought I was giving you the space you needed to do what you wanted because I wasn’t going to stand in the way of your goals, big or small. They’re important to you and I know you work hard to achieve everything you want to do. You give your goals your all. I didn’t want to hold you back, not when you worked so hard to help me foster mine. Except that meant I wasn’t being honest and I’m done with that.
Here’s my new goal: choose honesty. Even when it’s scary.
I promise to do better. See you soon. I have a lot to tell you.
— Cooper
My vision blurs and my heart swells with emotion by the time I reach the end. I blink away the moisture brimming in my eyes.
I need to see him right away. I’m not waiting another minute. The ache of missing him is unbearable.
Scrambling off the bed, I fall to my knees and dig out the hidden stash of notebooks from underneath. My smile is soft as I add the new journal to the collection. Instead of hiding the crate of notebooks under the bed once again, I set it next to my desk.
It’s time for communication. I’m done putting off the conversation I should’ve had with him at the hotel. If he’s striving for honesty, then I have to do the same.
I’m about to leave my dorm room to head to Cooper’s when Simone texts me.
