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Chapter Sixteen
I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry.
The words echo in Carter’s mind as he lies wide awake most of the night. He hasn’t been able to decide if sir actually said them, or if he had been dreaming. There’s a good chance it was a dream. Carter can’t imagine sir feeling sorry, let aloneadmittingthat he’s sorry. It’s a nice idea, though. Better than nice. It’s pretty much all Carter has left to cling to.
“How long have you been awake?” sir asks quietly, startling Carter. He turns his head and takes the man in. Sir looks sleepy, his blonde hair mussed and his eyes heavy. His smile is lazy, but genuine. He makes Carter’s heart race. Carter wishes he could say the reaction is from fear, but it’d be a lie.
“Not sure.” Carter bites his bottom lip before adding, “A while.”
He waits to see if sir will make a comment about Carter not addressing him properly.
Sir doesn’t.
“Did you sleep well?” sir asks instead.
Carter looks at sir’s shoulder, unable to see his face any longer. “I slept okay.”
Sir gently brushes Carter’s hair off his forehead, fingertips ghosting over his skin. He shivers beneath the touch, eyes fluttering closed. Carter doesn’t want to forgive him, he really doesn’t, but it’s so damnhard. Things feel easier when he’s not hating sir. Things feelsafer.
Except, sir let that monster hurt Carter last night. He let him say awful things. He let him strip away Carter’s humanity until he felt empty and meaningless.
But then there was the way sir had kissed him last night. The way he had promised Carter he was the only person sir ever wanted like this. The way he made Carter feel so fucking special after he had convinced himself he was worthless.
Add in the possible apology, and Carter doesn’t know what the fuck to think.
“Are you ready for your day off, sweetheart?”
Unsure of what he should say considering he told sir last night he didn’t want the reward anymore, Carter just keeps his eyes closed and nods. He thinks it’s probably smart to accept the reward. He doesn’t want sir to never offer him rewards again if he’s upset with Carter for rejecting the kind gesture. Also, sir has historically been much nicer to him inside the bedroom than in the rest of the house. After last night, Carter could really use some of sir’s kindness, even if he has to hate himself for enjoying it.
Of course, the moment Carter decides to give in and accept his day with sir, the man says, “I’ll leave you alone today, alright?”
Carter opens his eyes to look at sir. The man is smiling at him, the expression faltering when their gazes lock. He parts his lips and runs his tongue along the bottom one before taking a breath. Carter waits for him to speak, but he doesn’t. Sir just closes his mouth again and shakes his head.
When sir finally speaks, he avoids looking at Carter. “I’ll bring you your meals. All three today, for how good you were for me. The remote for the TV is on my bedside table, and you’re welcome to read any of the books I have on my shelves, though they’re fairly boring reads.”
Something akin to heartbreak blooms in Carter’s chest. “You aren’t staying?”
“No.” Sir sits up, running a hand through his hair. He laughs humorlessly. There’s a sadness and an anger to him this morning, though Carter doesn’t think it’s directed at him, funnily enough. “If you don’t want me in here today, then I’ll stay away. It’s your day. Your reward.”
Isthat what Carter wants? He’s been so fucking lonely, and when sir is kind, he’s not so bad to be around. In fact, Carter almost…likesbeing with sir when sir is in the mood to treat him well. It’d be nice to have someone to be lazy in bed with as he watches TV or reads a book. Maybe sir would even be open to some cuddling.
Besides, it doesn’t really accomplish anything to push sir away.Isn’t the man always telling Carter to take every chance he can to get pleasure from this situation he’s in?This is the perfect example.
Carter’s pulled from his thoughts when he feels sir shift on the bed to stand up. His heart races as he watches the man leave him behind, a sudden loneliness closing in on him. It almost makes it worse that Carter is wearing the man’s t-shirt that smells like him, the soft fabric a taunt, just an echo of the real thing.
The shower turns on, the bathroom door only partway closed so Carter can hear it. Even the sound of the water is lonely.
Carter still isn’t sure what he’s doing. He doesn’t know why he decides to get out of the bed. He doesn’t know why he walks to the bathroom. He doesn’t know why he has this aching in his chest that’s begging him to go to sir.
What he does know is that, when Carter approaches the glass door of the shower that hasn’t fogged yet and sir catches sight of him, sir doesn’t look sad anymore, and Carter doesn’t feel quite so lonely.
???
Heart pounding, Nathan slowly opens the shower door, pushing a mass of wet hair off his forehead as he tries to figure out what to say. The boy looks unsure, but not afraid. If this is Carter coming back to him, forgiving him, letting him in, the last thing Nathan wants to do is ruin it.
He treads carefully. "What's up, sweetheart?"
Carter blushes beautifully at the pet name, his teeth nibbling at his bottom lip. "Can I join you, sir?"
