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“She’s yours as well, Dee, and that’s all that will matter to everyone. She’s your daughter. Our niece and Dad’s granddaughter. We’ll love her no matter who her father is.” He pauses for a moment as if contemplating his next words, then he finally says. “Dee, where’s Eli? Does he know where you are?” He turns into the parking lot of the sale yards, puts the car in park, and turns to me a second time, weighed down by his gaze.
My throat clogs up, and I can’t seem to put the words together. Pain and grief swell within me like rising floodwaters. “No, he doesn’t.”
“Are you in trouble? Is he coming to take Olive from you?” His fists clench around the truck keys, his knuckles turning white.
Shaking my head, I finally speak the words that I’ve not been able to for the past six months. “He’s dead. He committed suicide.”
SILENCE FILLS THE CAR ASanother piece of weight lifts from me. Harley remains quiet. His mouth is slightly hanging open.
“I don’t want to talk about it all right now. Can we go in?” What’s weird is I’d expected to cry—to be this emotional mess when I told my family—and I’m not. I’m sad, but not in an all-consuming way. Eli was such a big part of my life, and I desperately needed out of that relationship, but I never expected him to be the one to end his own life.
“Oh, Dee, I’m so sorry.” He reaches out and takes my hand, squeezing it.
“It’s okay. I’m coming to terms with it now. He wasn’t a good person, Harley. Not good at all.”
He nods. “Well, I’m here if you want to talk about it.”
“Thanks. Can you please not tell the rest of the family about Eli or Olive? When the time is right, I’ll tell them.”
“Sure, no problem.” He gives me a half-smile.
“Telling you has helped ease the burden I’ve been carrying around with me for the last six months.”
Harley squeezes my hand once more before releasing it. “You’re home now, and we’ve got you. Let’s go buy some horses. Nothing like shopping therapy to help ease the burdens on someone’s mind.”
We get out of the car and head inside.
I know he means well, and I’m sure he’s right, but it will take time to heal. I’m still a single mother and learning to stand on my own two feet again. The time will come when one day, I’ll close my eyes, and I won’t see Eli in the state he was in. Until that time, I won’t be fully okay. Admitting the truth about his death has helped, but only a little. Still, it’s something and a step in the direction of healing.
After a morning of inspecting horses and watching them get paraded around, we’ve loaded up three horses that all need work, but I can fully see their potential. They haven’t been well-taken care of and need green fields and lots of love and care, which I can supply.
“I think we did good,” Harley announces as he slides into the driver’s seat.
“Yeah, me too. Diamond is going to need some real TLC. She’s afraid of us and a little wild. Did you see how she reacted when she was startled?”
“Yeah, quite jumpy. She’ll be fine after some good care. She’s beautiful,” he says. Diamond is a gorgeous golden color with a brown patch shaped in a diamond on her head. She’s stunning but skittish and unsure of people. It’ll take some time, but I know she’ll be a perfect beauty.
“I haven’t really had a moment to walk around at home. Are things run the same, and do I still have some pens to work in, or are they used mostly for therapies now?”
“Um… I think we have the ones out near the holiday-stay cabins that we don’t use. Perhaps we should use the small barn out there to keep these three in. That way, you’ve got some privacy to work with them.”
“I’m going to have Olive to think about as well, remember?”
“Yeah, I know. I’m sure that between all the aunts and uncles and her grandad, she’ll be looked after. You have to remember they’re going to want to know her and be a part of her life now. I know I will, even if they don’t. I’ll strap on a carrier and cart her around with me. Maybe she can help me find a wife. I hear babies are chick magnets.”
We both break out in laughter. “Why is that, and then when women are single mothers, no one wants the burden of caring for a child?” I state.
“Because the guys are losers or too focused on something else. They’re the ones missing out.” He shrugs.
“I’m resigning myself to the fact that it’ll be me and Olive for the rest of my life.”
“Don’t talk like that. There’s someone out there for you who’ll care for you both.”
“I’m not so sure. Who would want someone as broken as me? Trusting another man will be hard as well.” Even the thought of opening my heart to someone else right now makes me cringe. I’m so afraid I’ll end up in another similar situation like I was not that long ago. One I’m still healing from.
Harley throws me a quizzical glance. I bite my lip, realizing my mistake. “Why?” he asks.
My phone chimes with a message.Thank goodness.“It’s Isla.”
