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She leaves and closes the door as she goes. Shutting that would’ve been smart, then Sebastian wouldn’t have witnessed another breakdown of mine.
He removes his hands from my face and picks up the letter. “From Eli? His suicide note?”
I nod.
“What do you want to do with it?”
“I want it gone.” It’s all I can manage to say.
“Do you want me to get rid of it for you, or we can do it together?”
I shake my head. “No, I’ll do it. I have to finish this chapter of my life on my own. They’re emotions I have to feel and move past, and I will. He wrote a note for Olive as well. Will you sit with me while I read it? I thought I could do this on my own, but I like that I don’t have to.”
“I’m here. Anything you need, I’m here. I won’t read it.”
Taking another shaky breath, I pick up Olive’s note and unfold it. Sebastian rests his hand on my thigh, his comforting grip tight.
My dearest little girl,
I’m sorry I couldn’t stay. You were a light in my darkness. Always remember Daddy loves you and will be with you always.
You and Mommy take care of each other. Don’t be mad at her for anything—it was all my fault.
I’m sorry I won’t be there for your first steps, first day of school, sweet sixteenth, prom, and to walk you down the aisle. I know you’ll make great choices. You’re your mother’s daughter—almost a spitting image.
Love you, little one.
Always.
Daddy
I drop the note, covering my face once again. It’s so much to deal with in one day. Dealing with Eli’s stuff drains me, and I have nothing left in my tank. The agony of reading all those sweet things makes me feel sick, but one day she’ll ask for something like this. She’ll be searching for answers herself.
Sebastian hops up and scoops me into his arms. I curl into his neck. He goes and sits on the couch and holds me tightly against his chest while I cry. Tears fall over him as he runs his fingers through my hair, letting me get out the built-up and stored emotions. I’d kept them tucked away for so long, and now I can’t control what my body is going through. It’s a mix of shock, hurt, and abandonment.
“It’s okay. I’ve got you,” Sebastian comforts me.
Slowly, the sobs stop wreaking havoc on my body, and I fall silent, suddenly exhausted. Why are emotions so tiring?
“I hate feeling like this,” I grumble against his chest, his scent calming me as I try to breathe to the rhythm of his breaths.In through the nose and out the mouth.
“Feeling those emotions helps you. Trust me.” He presses a light kiss to my forehead.
Lifting my head, I meet his gaze. He calms me in ways Eli never could. I want Sebastian in my life. “I’m sure I look horrible, and you’re probably sick of me crying on you.”
His body shakes as he chuckles. “It’s okay. I’m good with things like this. Emotions don’t scare me. In fact, right now, you’re helping me because I’m raising two daughters who are going to befullof emotions in the coming years,” he jokes.
I slap him in the chest and smile. “You’re a great dad, and your girls are lucky to have you.”
He wipes away the dampness on my cheeks and then slides his hand into my hair, sending goosebumps down my entire body and igniting that flame of passion once again. My mouth seeks his out, and I kiss him hungrily. His lips move as though it’s the last time he’ll do this. He’s so tender and meaningful.
When we come up for air, I stare into his brown eyes. There’s something there—he seems off in a way. I climb off his lap and go back to the bay window, picking up the notes from Eli. I scrunch mine into a ball—I’ll be burning it later. I don’t need to keep this as a reminder. I fold Olive’s up and put it inside the envelope again and back in the box, followed by the photograph and necklace.
We remain silent. A ripple of peace crashes into me. It’s only a little one, but it’s a step in the right direction.
“Thanks for letting me cry on your shoulderagain. It’s been an emotional twenty-four hours for me, that’s for sure.”
“It’s okay. How do you feel about it all?” He hasn’t moved from the spot on the couch.
