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Chapter 20 - Laurel
I stood just inside my front door, holding my breath while I fought tears. Just like that, he dismissed me from his life. I should have been delighted that I could do the jump now, but all I could do was hope he came to the door. Surely he wouldn’t let me leave like that? We’d just spent a casual, fun evening with his family where he’d put his arm around me despite his brother’s teasing.
And it made me panic. I was the one who practically flung myself out of the car without even a goodbye and now I expected him to chase after me. This wasn’t a high school movie, it was tempestuous real life.
I was exhausted from the climb, the passionate lovemaking in the ravine, the roller coaster of emotions I felt being with his family. It had been a long day to say the least. After I showered and got in bed, I felt a little better about things, or maybe just less bad. Ben wasn’t going to poof out of existence and I was sure to see him again before he left. I reminded myself that he’d suggested a long distance relationship, which in my meager experience was akin to hell on earth, but maybe I’d give it some more consideration. Maybe with the right person, it could work. And Ben was definitely the right person.
The next day I woke up brighter. I had a dinner shift at the diner and a strong feeling Ben and his crew would show up there. I was munching on my cereal when Shakes rolled up and pounded on the door. My stomach sank, because now I had to admit we could go ahead with the jump. He’d have all our followers slavering for it, probably do something like set up a countdown timer. If all went well, I’d get a few new sponsors and then I could get a car and start being more independent.
I let him in and poured him a bowl of cereal, letting him ramble on about where he thought we should go to look for new locations. He didn’t bring up Ben and neither did I. What I also didn’t bring up was the jump. For some reason, I didn’t want to tell him Ben was leaving and see him try to hide a smug, knowing look, full of fake pity that I’d been duped by the city boy.
When he was done with his breakfast, he leaned back in his chair and looked expectant. “How come you’re not getting ready?” He waved at my cut offs and baggy t-shirt, not suitable for serious climbing.
“I’m not going today,” I said, a lie ready to slip out. I decided once and for all to stop avoiding unpleasant situations. “I don’t like the direction this whole thing’s been going.”
“You don’t like the direction?” he asked with a disbelieving laugh. “That’s not you talking, Laur.”
I crossed my arms and settled myself. He’d been subtly belittling me for years, and while I recognized it, I always just put up with it. Friends teased each other after all, and I always forgave because he did things for my benefit. But I was done with being told how to think, the jabs about my weight, the constant nagging.
“Yes, it is,” I said, holding firm. “I get that I need public support to get sponsors and I like live streaming the jumps. But I never agreed to you putting my private life out there. I know you’ve been working people up on your gaming streams because I used to get maybe five messages a day asking about gear or climbing info and now I get dozens, all asking if I’m still with that asshole. And I don’t appreciate you calling him that, either, because he’s not.” I only stopped because I ran out of breath and he jumped in before I could get another.
He held up his hands in mock surrender. “Okay, I get it. I’ll go easy on your summer boyfriend. But you’re not doing anything right now so I wanted to keep people’s interest up.”
I rolled my eyes at his weak reply and him dismissively calling Ben my summer boyfriend set my teeth on edge. It also made me sad because I only wished it was true.
“Don’t act like you’re doing everything for me,” I said. “I know you make money from your streams and I also know you’ve gotten yourself a few sponsors that I’m certain you wouldn’t have without me. If you didn’t talk about me, would people keep watching you?”
He pressed his lips together, his eyes narrowing, but he didn’t have an answer to that. “So, what, then? You want me to stop talking about you? Fine. But a chunk of that money I make goes to your little hobby so I would think you’d be glad no matter how I bring it in.”
“Just get a normal job,” I said. “I’m the one doing the actual jumps and I have two.” I sighed and reached out to pat his arm. “I’m grateful you let me use your car. But I’m going to get my own. I need to get this back on track or I’m going to end up hating it.”
He stood up, scraping the chair along the tile. “So we’re not friends anymore?” He looked more irritated than upset about losing a friend of almost ten years.
“We can be friends if you want to be,” I said. “But I’m doing everything on my own now. Please don’t talk about my life or my relationships on your streams. I’m sure you’ll get a new audience that’s interested in your gaming.”
He shook his head slowly, then turned and stalked toward the front door. “Good luck getting a car, Laur. Call me when that asshole goes back to whatever ditch of a city he came from and you’re lonely again.”
The door slammed behind him and a moment later he screeched out of my driveway. I stared at the soggy flakes left in my bowl. I was only sorry he took it so badly, but if he didn’t understand and eventually come around, then that meant we were never friends in the first place. I sent emails to everyone I knew letting them know I was in the market for a cheap used car that could handle the mountain roads. It was a tall order, so I sucked it up and posted it to my social media, too, to cast a wider net.
I deep cleaned the kitchen and bathroom, then organized my closet until it was time for my shift at the diner. Whatever I could do to keep my mind off Ben, I did. None of it worked and as I pulled the few dresses I owned from the back of my closet, I wondered if they’d be suitable for a night out in New York. Probably not. The old dresses only underscored what different lives we led.
“It’s called shopping, Laurel,” I told myself disgustedly, realizing I was near tears because I didn’t have anything to wear on a non-existent date.
I actually wore a little makeup and my cutest jeans to my shift. Unfortunately the stupid potato shirt was non-negotiable, but I tied it in a knot at my waist to make it less boxy. And then Ben and his family never showed up. Probably cooking out again. Or maybe they were already gone.
I haunted the streets of the town the next few days, checking the grocery store parking lot for Ben’s rental, popping to the lake because his niece and nephew might have wanted to swim, staked out the popular fishing spots, and bribed Jeff, the cook at the diner, to message me if he showed up. None of these embarrassing ploys worked. Ben was either gone or hiding out in the cabin. I lost all sense of pride and asked the people who worked at the grocery store if they’d seen him, but no one had.
He wasn’t getting takeout from the diner because I would have known and the pizza delivery place didn’t go that far. It had been a full week since I saw him and it seemed more and more likely he’d returned to New York or he was up there starving.
I had no more pride left. I was miserable, either thinking about him or trying not to think about him. And I always failed at trying not to think about him. Something had to give.
I borrowed a car from one of the techs who worked at the dentist’s office, determined to purge him from my mind and heart once and for all. I was going to do the jump. Nothing cured what ailed me like flying free on a mountainside.
It was only a short detour up the mountain to see if the cabin was empty.
