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“Tali!” I roared. “Tali, get out here!”
Dogs barked close by. Neighbors stuck their heads out of their front doors.
Cupping my hands around my mouth, I yelled again. “Tali! I’m not fucking leaving until you come out here.”
Roberto placed a hand on my chest. “Quiet down. You want to talk? I’ll go somewhere and talk to you. I’ll give a message to Tali for you. But you’re not getting near her, not in this state.”
The door opened behind him, and my angel stepped out onto the porch. “It’s okay. I’ll talk to him.”
“Tali,” I cried. “Tali, baby. I’m so fucking sorry.”
She nodded, her lips pinched together. “I know you are, Jude. You always are.” Her pretty brown eyes met mine. “I came tonight. I watched you on stage, and I thought...I thought maybe I could try. Iwantedto try. But you betrayed me once again, and this is not something I can keep doing. I’ve been slowly dying over the last month, and it’s because all my energy has gone into trying to find a way back to you. But you...you gave up on me. You gave up on me a long time ago.”
I shook my head with vehemence. “No. No, baby. We’re for-fucking-ever. You don’t give up on that. You make mistakes and get better, but you don’t give up.”
“I have to, Jude. I’m done. I can’t love you anymore.”
I stepped toward her, but her dad stopped me with his arm. “Don’t touch her. Not when you’re under the influence.”
“You say ‘can’t,’ but you didn’t say ‘don’t.’ You still love me. We’re not finished.”
She shrunk back against the door. “We are, Jude. We were finished a long time ago.”
When her hand went to the door, I panicked. I bellowed her name at the top of my lungs and attempted to charge past her dad. She screamed my name, screamed for me to stop, but I was a bull and she was my red flag. I’d get to her, even if I had to knock over some barrels and clowns in the process.
Her dad wasn’t much of a match for my strength, but I didn’t want to hurt him. He held me back and yelled for Tali to go inside and lock the door. Another man came running over with a cordless phone in his hand. “The police are on their way.”
Tali screamed again and collapsed against the front door. Seeing her like that had me battling even harder to get to her, but now I had two men in my way, keeping me from my girl.
“Jude, stop!” she cried as I thrashed and fought.
Another neighbor joined the fray, and I was taken to the ground, face-down in the grass. I didn’t stop fighting, not until a cop leaned on my back and snapped cuffs on my wrists. Getting my rights read to me had some of the fight fleeing my blood. Seeing Tali’s devastated face through the window of the police car sobered me almost instantly.
Silently, I took in the scene. Neighbors spilling from houses to see the show. Tali’s dad with a split lip. Her mom, who had welcomed me with open arms, closing them around Tali. And Tali clinging to her mother like a child.
Her eyes met mine one last time as I was driven away. I mouthed, “I’m sorry,” but what was one more apology from me worth? Not much.
I could barely breathe. Panicked at what I’d done, what I’d lost. Rocking my body wildly in the back of the cruiser, I sobbed and raged against my handcuffs, not to get to Tali, but to escape what was happening.
This can’t be happening.
But by the time I was fingerprinted and book, I settled down, crashing into reality.
I’d had everything.Everything. The girl I chased and caught for nearly two years. She’d loved me, waited for me, dreamed my dreams alongside me, and I never once deserved her.
When we met, she’d been bright-eyed and ready to take on the world. And now, I was leaving her, torn up and hiding.
A calm resolve took over me. Clarity let me see what I’d done and what I’d keep doing if I didn’t walk away and keep on walking. I had to let Tali go. I’d die from it, but she’d live, and that was all that mattered.
If I let her go, removed the madness from her life, she’d be okay. She’d carry on with the plans I’d interrupted. She’d live her big life, chase her big dreams, probably marry a doctor and have beautiful brown-eyed babies.
I’d thought losing Ben was the lowest point of my life, but I hadn’t been prepared for how much lower I could sink.
I wouldn’t drag Tali down with me.
In a holding cell in suburban New York, I did the least selfish thing I’d ever done. I let Tali go.
