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Me:Good night.
* * *
It wasmid-afternoon before Jude called me. I was in class, but I wanted to talk to him enough that I packed up and slinked off through the back door.
“Hey,” I said once I was outside.
“Tali, sorry I didn’t call earlier. I was aiming for between classes, but I guess I got it wrong.”
“It’s fine. I was falling asleep anyway.”
Silence filled the distance between us. I didn’t know what I wanted Jude to say, but he needed to saysomething.
“Are you done with me?” he asked finally.
His question startled me so much, I nearly dropped my phone. I had to sit down on a bench to gather my breath. “Why would you think that?”
“The way you looked at me…”
“Jude, come on. I was surprised. Wouldn’t you be surprised to be gone from the room for ten minutes and walk back in to see me snorting coke?”
He stayed silent for a long moment again before replying. “Yeah. Yeah, I guess I would.”
“Is that something you do all the time?”
He sighed. “Sometimes. Not every day. More since I’ve been up here, if I’m being honest.”
“Are you...do you think you’re addicted?”
Another long pause. My heart caught in my throat, waiting.
“No. It’s circumstantial. Like people who only smoke when they’re drinking.”
“Cocaine is hardly the same thing as smoking a cigarette.”
He sniffled and cleared his throat. “I know, baby. I’m just so damn stressed, and the shit is everywhere.”
“Does it help?” I asked. I needed to understand thewhy. What was he filling with white powder?
“Not really. It’s a Band Aid. Everything’s okay for a while, then it’s the same stuff all over again.”
I didn’t know what the right thing to say was. Should this be my line in the sand? It certainly felt like a time to put my foot down, but this was so foreign to me. Jude and I were so solid, despite the distance. Could I really utter the words “I’ll leave you if you don’t stop”? And even if I could say those words, could I follow through?
I couldn’t picture my world without Jude in it. I didn’t want to.
“I feel out of my league here, Jude. I want to be the cool, rock star’s girlfriend, but I can’t. Not about this. I don’t want you doing that anymore. You were hiding it from me, and we don’t do that. We don’t hide. We made that promise to each other.”
A sob cracked through the phone lines. “I won’t, Stripes. I won’t do it. God, I thought you were going to walk away for good. I really thought it.”
“If you thought that, then why aren’t you here, stopping me?”
“I would’ve. If you tried, I would’ve been down there as fast as I could fly to stop you.”
“We’re forever, right?” I asked.
Another sob, followed by a thick laugh. “Yeah. We’re forever. And I’m so damn sorry. You’re right, I was hiding it. I knew you wouldn’t like it, so I waited for you to leave. It was a sneaky, shitty thing to do.”
“I forgive you. I only want you to be safe, Jude. I don’t want our forever to end when you’re twenty-three and drop dead of a heart attack. I need you old and gray with me.”
