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“Shit, I’m sorry, Han.”And I haven’t made the week any easier by being too scared to talk to you about what happened between us.
She smiles, but her emerald green eyes are sad. “What about you? How was your first week?”
It sucked because I missed you like crazy but didn’t know what to say to make things right.I wish I could say all that to her, but I can’t. Things are too muddy between us right now and if I start to tell her what I’m feeling, I might not stop. She can’t know how I feel. It will ruin everything between us. I don’t want that. I clear my throat. “It was okay, I guess. Everyone wanted to give me their sympathy about Dad, you know.” Shrugging, I nudge her with a grin. “But I did get named captain of the under nineteens!”
“That’s awesome!” This time Hannah’s smile is genuine. “Your dad would be so proud.”
“Yeah.” And just like that a dark cloud descends on my mood as it hits rock bottom again. Another reminder of a significant moment in my life my dad isn’t around to celebrate with me.
“Sorry.” Hannah’s voice is soft, and I turn to look at her loving the way her eyes draw mine in, locking them in place. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”
I want to tell her I feel like shit. I’m not sleeping. I miss my dad so damn much that sometimes it’s hard to keep breathing. I want to tell her my whole world is imploding, and I don’t know how to fix it. I want to tell her she’s so beautiful that it hurts. I want to kiss her again; to feel her soft lips against mine. She’s the most important person in my life right now.
Instead I shake my head to clear my thoughts and I deliver my standard response, “I’m fine. Just tired.”
She nods, moving to get up off the floor.
“Where are you going?” I ask, shocked by the sparks that ignite all my senses as I grab her hand. “Do you want to stay and have dinner? Mum would love to see you.” I hold my breath, waiting for her answer.Please say yes, it’s so much easier to breathe when you’re close by.
Hannah hesitates, staring down at her hand in mine. “You said you were tired, so I thought…”
“I meant…”I’m tired in general. I’m tired of trying to hide everything from everyone.“Never mind. I want you to stay for dinner. Hang out a bit more?”
Something flashes through her eyes – Ccould it be hope?– before she pulls me to my feet.
“Sure. What are we making?”
I grin. “Your vegetarian lasagne?”
She laughs, shaking her head, and I realise how much I’ve missed the sound. “I said, ‘what are we making,’ not ‘what am I making’.” She punches me playfully on the shoulder. “Come on, then. You can get started on cutting up the vegetables while I do my sauce.”
It feels good to laugh again. I hope everything will be okay between Hannah and I, as long as I keep my increasing feelings to myself. I can’t lose her friendship – it sucked not having her around this week, even though it was my fault.
Jake helps out with the salad and it feels like old times; ribbing each other and joking around. It takes a while to notice my mum standing in the doorway to the kitchen, her eyes sparkling with unshed tears. I walk over and hug her, kissing her on the cheek.
“Love you,” I murmur so only she can hear.
“Love you, too.” She smiles, squeezing my hand.
I sit back and listen to the conversation floating around the table as we eat. Hannah tells Mum and Jake about her plans for the school magazine, and how she wants to bring awareness to what kids are dealing with: mental health, bullying, peer pressure, drug and alcohol use, sexual activity, social media, and academic problems.
“I really want to break down the stigma around these issues. Get kids talking, you know? I mean, it’s okay not to be okay. Kids need to know how to get the help they need and that they’re not alone.” She ducks her head, a red tinge spreading over her cheeks.
My stomach clenches. I knew she’d been having problems with some girls last year, and clearly, it’s still happening. Of course she’s going to use her own experiences to help other people. She’s so selfless.Unlike me.I feel Jake’s gaze on me, and I squirm in my seat as I focus on shovelling food into my mouth. I can guess what he’s thinking: “Are you listening to this, Oli? Because I know you’re not okay.”
“It all sounds wonderful.” Mum smiles across the table. Hannah’s knee brushes against mine, and my stomach flip-flops.
“Sure does,” Jake agrees, nodding enthusiastically. “It’s a really good message to get out. Don’t you think so, Oli?”
I choke on my food. Reaching over to grab my glass of water, I shoot him a warning look. Mum and Hannah don’t know about the nightmares. Hell, I wish Jake didn’t know about them. He better not rat me out.
“Yeah,” I finally manage around a coughing fit. “It’s great.” I try to smile but I notice Hannah looking at me strangely, so I rush to change the conversation. “How’d you go with signing the new property listing today, Mum? The one on the waterfront.”
I breathe a small sigh of relief as Mum starts gushing about what a big deal it is for her. The six-bedroom, three living, two-and-a-half-bathroom property overlooking the waterfront is on the market for $1.8 million. Mum is one of the best local real estate agents, so it’s no surprise she got the listing. She wins heaps of awards and, at the moment, I’m grateful her working six days a week keeps her focus off me.
After dinner, Jake and I clear the table and wash the dishes while Mum asks Hannah about school.
“She made a good point at dinner,” Jake murmurs to me, keeping his voice low so we won’t be overheard.
