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“Hi, honey. Dad’s here if you’re ready to eat.” My mom peeks her head into my childhood bedroom where I’m lounging on the bed with my laptop resting across my legs.
“Yeah, give me a couple minutes and I’ll be down.”
She nods, giving me a soft smile before disappearing into the hallway.
I hate being home.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my parents more than anything but it’s so fucking depressing in this house. My poor mother is running on fumes. She barely eats or sleeps and I’ve caught her crying at least a handful of times in the couple of days since I arrived home to visit.
I can’t imagine what it must be like for her or my father; losing a child. Sometimes I feel like they wished it was me that had died instead of Kamden. He was the glue, the life, the goofy one that made everyone laugh at the dinner table with his ridiculous jokes and contagious smile. Now it feels empty and quiet and no matter how hard I try, I can’t make it better.
Because I’m not my brother.
Elara’s face flashes through my mind at the thought and instantly a sick feeling settles into the pit of my stomach.
I’ve thought about her way too much over the past few weeks.
After the night of the funeral I woke up in an absolute panic. I don’t know what caused it or why, but I knew if I didn’t get out of here that instant I was going to cave under the weight steadily building in my chest.
I thought maybe once I put some distance between me and this place, between me and Elara, that I would be able to breathe again. I was wrong. It only got worse the more days that passed until I knew I had to see her again.
As soon as I got back into town I went to see Kam, desperate to talk it out. But there she was, just like that day on the beach. It’s like something beyond either of our control is pushing us together. Or someone…
I’ve never been so consumed by a woman before, but I’m having trouble separating if it’s her or if it’s her connection to my brother that is driving those feelings. And I desperately need to figure that out. Because I feel like I’m all twisted up over her and I have no fucking clue why. I don’t even know her.
And it’s not like I’m one to shy away from women. If I want something, I go for it. That simple. But with Elara it’s different. She’s not just any other girl. She’s Kamden’s girl. And even though he’s gone that still means something to me.
I do find some comfort in the fact that the two were never actually together. My attraction to her feels like less of a betrayal somehow. But I still have this nagging guilt that keeps me up at night. Haunted by the voice in my head that tells me I’m only going to make this worse.
Watching her at the funeral was like watching a beautiful tragedy play out in front of my eyes. I was riveted. Absolutely consumed. I couldn’t keep my eyes off of her for more than a few seconds at a time.
It was simply by chance that I ran into her at the beach that day. I went there in an effort to feel closer to my brother. What I found was so much more than that.
There’s something about Elara that lights me on fire. I knew it from the very first moment I laid eyes on her that she was something special. But now it goes beyond the physical attraction to a much deeper place–a place that desperately longs to connect to anything.
I guess that’s why I invited her to Italy the way I did. I hadn’t even nailed down the contract, yet there I was insisting she come with me. And even though she flat out refused, a part of me knew she’d change her mind.
Maybe it’s because I feel like I know her, given how much Kam talked about her, or maybe it’s because I know, like me, she’s desperate for anything to make her feel less of what she’s currently feeling. I also think she’s just as curious about me as I am about her. It makes sense I guess. The two people who were closest to Kam. We’re bound to have some type of connection. Only this isn’t just about Kam. At least not for me anyway.
Again, I wanted her the first time I saw her. If not for Kam I would have made a move on her the night of his graduation party. If for no other reason but to have her in my bed. But because I love my brother and he loved her, I backed off.
But everything has changed since then. I’m not even sure I’m the same person as I was back then. So much has happened over the past four years. So much that has changed and shaped the person I am now–recent events included.
When Elara finally text me back last night agreeing to go to Italy with me, part of me was struck with disbelief while the other part of me knew all along she would come. I bought my ticket to Arkansas and both of our tickets to Chicago so fast it’s a wonder I didn’t end up screwing it up. I knew I needed to do it right then and there, that way she’d be less inclined to back out on me.
I already had the two tickets to Italy. Once the contract was signed and official, I requested two because somewhere deep inside I knew she would come with me. Maybe it was wishful thinking but whatever it was clearly worked.
She has no idea that we will be staying in a little one room flat together, otherwise I may not have gotten her to agree. I’ll let that be a surprise once we get there. At that point she’ll have no choice but to deal with it.
I close my laptop and lean my head back against the headboard; my eyes falling closed for a brief moment as I take a deep breath in before letting it out just as slowly.
The thought of spending the next four weeks in Italy with Elara has me twisted up like a fucking teenager. I swear I haven’t been this anxious or excited about anything pertaining to a girl since I lost my virginity to Rachel Balanie when I was fifteen.
“Kane,” my father’s voice calls up the stairs, instantly breaking me from my daze.
“Yeah, I’m coming,” I holler back, realizing several minutes have passed since my mother had come up to tell me dinner was ready.
****
