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Unfortunately his pleasantries stop at his looks. Kam wasn’t lying when he told me his brother was on the serious side. I think that’s giving him too much credit. Asshole might be the better term. Though I feel bad even thinking that now.
Kane’s eyes bore into mine with the heat of a thousand fires and I feel like I’m going to melt right here. He knows I did this. I can see it in his eyes. He blames me for taking his brother away and he’s right to blame me.
I don’t know how much time passes before Kane finally breaks the connection, turning and walking away, leaving me feeling like he’s taken what little air that remained in my lungs with him.
I want to go after him, tell him how sorry I am, though I doubt it would do either of us a bit of good. Nothing I can say will bring Kam back. So instead I stand here and let him walk away.
“We should go,” my aunt says next to me. Even though I know she’s right, I can’t seem to get my feet to move.
“I don’t know if I can,” I choke over my words, a few tears squeaking past the concrete wall I’ve built behind my eyes.
“I know how much you love him, El. And I know how much you wish it was you lying there and not him, but I’m glad it’s not.” Her words pull my gaze to hers and I’m not entirely sure how I feel about what she just said. “I’ve already lost your mother,” she says in way of explanation.
“I put him there,” I grind out under my breath, not wanting to draw attention to our conversation.
“No you didn’t, Elara. It was a tragic accident, nothing more. You know Kam would say the same thing.”
“I was always pushing him too far, taking too many risks. He’d be alive if it wasn’t for me.”
“You don’t know that,” she soothes.
“Yes I do.” My words catch in my throat. “This was my fault, whether you see it that way or not.”
I can feel it coming, the tidal wave I’ve been managing to outrun is finally catching up to me and I know it’s only seconds before it takes me under completely. I have to get out of here before that happens.
“El.” Carol reaches out for me.
“Just don’t. Okay?” I pull out of her grasp. “You can’t make this better. No one can.” The words have barely left my mouth before I’m spinning around and taking off through the cemetery.
It’s only seconds before I’ve removed my heels and begun to run. I run so hard and so fast that within minutes my lungs are begging for mercy. I run until my feet are throbbing and my stomach cramps. I run until I feel like I can’t run another second before I run more. I push myself as hard as I can, needing to feel something,anything, even if it is physical pain.
It’s raining harder now–the sky opening up and pouring down on me like the heavens are sharing in my pain. When I finally collapse on the beach a good two miles from the cemetery, I’m not entirely sure how I made it all this way. Especially without shoes in the pouring rain. I cry into my hands, my tears mixing with the rain, my sobs racking me so hard my entire body shakes from their intensity.
I close my eyes and I see him; his hazel eyes, his easy smile, the boy who has owned my heart for the last seven years, the man I grew to love in ways he will never know to be true. And now he’s gone.
There’s so many things that I’ll never get to say. So many moments we’ll never get to share. Kamden Thaler wasn’t just my best friend; he was the love of my life. A love so true and pure that I know to the deepest depths of my soul I will never share that kind of connection with someone again.
Kam was my beginning, my middle, and my end. Without him, I’m lost. Without him, I don’t even know who I am.
And so I let myself go. I let the wind carry my cries and the rain wash away my tears. I let it all go, knowing with complete certainty that nothing will ever be the same again.
