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“I just can’t stay in that house. I can’t sleep in that bed. I can’t even look out at the beach. Everything reminds me of him. It’s like he’s gone but he’s not really gone. I still see him everywhere. When I close my eyes I see his face. When I take a deep breath I smell his scent. I feel like I’m suffocating.” I choke, fresh tears pooling in my eyes.
“Are you sure about this, Lenny? You clearly love him so much. Are you sure walking away is the best choice?”
“I asked myself those same questions the entire flight back and in truth, I don’t know. But how do I believe him? How do I trust him now? If I was driving myself crazy before, imagine what a wreck I’d be obsessing over whether or not he slept with her last night or how many times he’s slept with her over the course of their time together. For all I know this has been going on for months. What can he do to prove otherwise?”
“Not much unfortunately. It’s his word.”
“Exactly. And how do I trust his word over what’s right in front of my face?”
“I guess you can’t.” She shrugs, her face soft with sympathy. “I get why you did what you did, Lenny. My heart hurts for you but I get it. At the end of the day you have to trust your gut.”
“I can’t talk about this anymore,” I say, feeling on the verge of puking which I already did twice on the plane. “I think I need to sleep.” I stand, honestly not sure how I have the physical strength to get myself off the couch.
“Okay.” Starr pushes up and follows me toward the guest room.
I flip on the light, seeing my bag already sitting on the edge of the bed. I don’t remember seeing Mark, but then again given my current state of mind and the way I broke down on my sister the instant she opened the door, that’s not really all that surprising.
A bottle of water sits on the night stand next to a couple of Tylenol. Tears sting my eyes at the sweet gesture. Mark knows my sister gets headaches when she cries and knowing how similar we are, he must have assumed I do too.
My stomach twists violently and I’m torn between being happy that my sister found such an amazing man and being devastated that I thought I had too.
“You going to be okay?” Starr props her shoulder on the door jamb, watching me stop at the end of the bed to open my bag.
“Yeah. I just need some sleep.” I sigh, pulling out a pair of plaid pajama shorts and an old t-shirt from my bag.
“Okay, I’m right down the hall if you need anything.” Her feet shuffle along the floor as she approaches me but I don’t turn to face her. Her arm slides across my shoulders seconds later. “I know it doesn’t feel like it now but things will work themselves out. They always do.”
“Thanks, Starr.” I force a weak smile, fighting back another onset of tears.
“I love you, big sis,” she says, giving me a squeeze.
“I love you too.” I turn, watching her back out of the room before disappearing down the hall.
Letting out a shaky breath, I close the bedroom door and turn the lock before heading back toward the bed.
Moving at a snail’s pace, I strip out of my clothes and get into my pajamas before peeling back the thick cream colored comforter and climbing into bed. I snuggle deep into the pillows, pulling the blanket over my head in an attempt to block everything out.
Of course it doesn’t actually work. There’s no hiding from the heaviness that has settled on top of my chest. No running from the pain that pings through every nerve ending in my body. No erasing the look on Hudson’s face when Annabelle walked onto that bus or the way her words slammed into me like a sledge hammer.
It all plays on repeat in my mind. What I said. What I shouldn’t have said. What I could have done differently. But at the end of the day the result would have still been the same.
I spend the next several minutes crying silently in the darkness of my sister’s guest bedroom. Not sure when sleep finally takes me under but so grateful when it does.
