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It’s the perfect day. The bright sun warming my skin. The sound of the water as it hits the sand. The laughter of kids playing around me. The feeling of Abel’s hand on my leg as we lounge side by side in fold out beach chairs. It’s everything I had hoped it would be and exactly what I needed.
I’m not naïve enough to believe that I have much time left. Every time I look in the mirror I see myself fading further and further away. But then days like today make me hopeful that I still have more good days to come.
“Your face is getting red.” Abel’s voice causes my eyelids to flutter open and I turn my head, meeting his gaze through the dark lenses of my sunglasses. “Here, let me put a little more sunscreen on you.”
“I can do it,” I say, taking the bottle from his hand the instant he retrieves it from the beach bag. “I’m not entirely helpless, you know.” I give him a sideways glance as I slide my glasses onto my head and squirt some sunscreen into my hand.
“I know that.”
“Do you? Because between you and Claire I feel like you two think I’m incapable of most things.” I spread the lotion across my face, paying special attention to my cheeks and forehead which is where I usually burn the easiest.
“I’m sorry we make you feel that way.” He gives me a sad smile, taking the sunscreen bottle when I extend it back to him.
“I know you do it out of love, but sometimes it’s frustrating. If I need your help I’ll ask for it. If I don’t, let me do what I still can do by myself. I’m your wife, not your patient.”
“I’m sorry.” He relaxes back into his chair.
“Don’t apologize for wanting to take care of me. I love you for it, truly I do. And I know this isn’t easy on you.”
“Don’t do that,” he cuts in. “I’m here because Iwantto be. You are my life, Finley Collins. Do you hear me?” He takes my hand, lifting my fingers to his lips. “I don’t regret finding you. I don’t regret marrying you. And I sure as hell don’t regret loving you.” He kisses my knuckles before allowing our joined hands to fall to the space where our armrests are pressed together.
“Sometimes I just think it would have been easier if I had died during surgery. It would have saved you from having to watch me die. But then I wouldn’t have gotten this time with you and that’s not something I would take back in a million lifetimes.”
“I would rather live one day with you like this than live my entire life without you.”
“I’m going to miss you.” My voice catches in my throat. “If missing someone is possible wherever I end up once I’m gone.”
“Finley.” Emotion covers his face. The anger, fear, and the pain he works tirelessly to keep hidden from me. I see it now so clearly and it nearly guts me from the inside out.
“We don’t have to talk about it. I just want you to know that even though I’m dying, I’ve never felt more alive. And I have you to thank for that. You brought light into my life when I was shrouded in darkness. So when I’m gone I need you to remember one very important thing. You’ve made me happier than I ever dreamed possible. Because of you I know what it truly means to be loved. All of my life that’s all I’ve ever wanted. To be loved. To belong. To feel wanted. You did that for me.” I pause, pulling in a breath. “I love you more than I ever thought it possible to love another person. And you’ve made me happy. Abel, you have made me so, so happy.” My chin quivers as I fight to keep my emotions in check.
“You’ve made me that happy too, you know.” He smiles, his glossy eyes visible through his glasses. “My wanna be ballerina who always has her nose in a book. And no matter how bad things get, always has a smile on her face. You are so much stronger than you realize, my love. And I’m going to be lost without you when you’re gone.” He tightens his grip on my hand.
“You might be at first.” I force myself to smile. “But eventually you’ll find your way.” I sit upright, untangling my hand from Abel’s. “I have a favor to ask.”
“Anything.”
“My mom.”
“You want me to try to track her down?” He sits up, angling his legs toward me.
“No. Not yet anyway. I don’t want to know if she’s alive and still killing herself or if she’s clean and happy and I missed time getting to know the real Monica or if she’s dead. I don’t want to know any of it. But she is my mom andifshe’s still alive, I want her to know that I’m gone. I want her to know that I forgive her.”
“And you want me to be the one to do it?”
“Only if you can find her. I wish I could give you something to go on but all I have is her name and date of birth, and for someone who never had anything in her name, that won’t be much to go on. But I know you have a friend in the PI business, so I thought maybe if he could track her down then you could get the message to her.”
“I’ll contact Chuck. See what I can find out.”
“You may never find her.”
“That doesn’t mean I won’t try.”
“Thank you. I know it’s a lot to ask. I just feel like she should know. I don’t even know if she’ll care, but it’ll make me feel better either way.”
“There isn’t a thing I wouldn’t do for you, you know that, right?”
“I do.” I lean in and kiss his cheek. “Now, what do you say we go for a swim?” I say, finished with this depressing conversation. We’ve had far too many recently and right now I want to enjoy this beautiful day.
