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“Even if I want to?”
“Even if you want to,” I confirm.
“I don’t want to leave you. Not when I feel like I finally have you.”
“I’ll still be here.”
“Yeah, but it’s not the same thing and you know it.”
Of course I do. The thought of him leaving makes me want to curl into a ball and cry, but I can’t think about that. Not right now. Not when I’m lying next to him, staring at his profile in the darkness. Feeling his body pressed against mine.
I don’t know what morning will bring, so I want to hold onto tonight for as long as possible.
“You wanna know my biggest regret?” he asks after a long bout of silence passes between us.
“What?”
“Asking Lucy to be my girlfriend instead of you.”
“Alec.”
“I’m serious. I thought about it, you know. That day in my room when we were talking. But then you acted like you were excited at the prospect of me and Lucy and I don’t know, I guess I decided that we were never going to be more than friends.”
“I remember that,” I admit. “But I wasn’t excited. In fact, the thought of you two together made me so sick to my stomach that I had to leave. But what was I supposed to say?”
“Be with me and not her.”
“Yeah, because that wouldn’t have thrown my world into chaos. Lulu would have hated me. Hell, she still might.”
“Are you going to tell her about us?” he asks.
“I don’t see how I can’t,” I admit.
“Good.”
“Good?”
“She needs to know. It’s time that how we feel about each other is out there. I’m sick of pretending like I don’t think about you every single day. Like you’re not on my mind constantly.”
“I think about you too, ya know? More than I care to admit.”
“I can’t tell you how happy that makes me.” He shifts again, this time rolling me to my back as he climbs on top of me. He hovers over me, his weight pressing me into the mattress. He stares down at me so long that I start to grow self-conscious under his gaze. It doesn’t matter that I’m hidden by darkness, I can still feel his eyes raking over my face.
“Are you still in love with me?” he asks point blank this time, lowering his face so close to mine that I can feel his breath dance across my lips. “The way you were in love with me when you wrote that letter?”
“More so,” I answer honestly. After tonight, how could I not be?
“Another right answer.” With the tiny sliver of light through the window, I can see his white teeth as he smiles.
Closing the inches between us, he kisses me, slow and deep, his tongue sliding effortlessly against mine.
He takes his time, tasting me, testing me, seeing how my body responds to him. Earlier, we were both so desperate we barely had time to breathe. We were out of our clothes and going at it like wild animals who knew nothing outside of the pleasure they were giving to the other. But this time is different.
This time is slow, methodical, passionate. He studies me. Kisses every inch of my bare body. Riles me up to the point of breaking and then coaxes me back down, never letting me tumble over the edge, no matter how desperately I want to.
He plays my body like an instrument he’s spent years perfecting. Every note is on key. Every stroke is perfection. And when I finally come undone beneath him, I’ve never felt such pleasure, or such pain. Because I know when morning peeks over the horizon, he will be gone and again I will be forced to live without him. Without this...
Only this time isn’t the same as last time. This time we both know what we want. And while distance may separate us now, it won’t forever. I have to believe that there will be a place for us somewhere,someday. I can’t bring myself to entertain that this will turn out any other way.
Because now that I’ve touched him, tasted him, felt the sweet weight of him on top of me, I know there’s no going back.
He is my drug. My addiction. And now that I’ve experienced the high of all highs, I know that nothing else will satisfy this hunger.
