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Carter stared back at me, and in that moment I saw a flicker of the uncertainty that’d made me take a chance on him in the first place. His defiance had faltered. When he spoke, his voice quavered. “What makes you think I’m any better than the rest of them?”
Was that part of the problem? Didhethink he was too far gone to come back from the crimes he’d been a part of? Maybe that was why he was clinging to the family legacy even after the rest of them were gone—because he was afraid of what it’d mean about him if he admitted what they’d done had been wrong.
I could relate to that fear more than he could have imagined.
“Do you want to know how I really grew up, Carter?” I said softly. “The Blood Hunter sent me to be raised by a criminal organization. They trained me from when I was a toddler to be a killer, someone he could send to assassinate whoever he had a beef with. I thought the people who looked after me were the good guys and that I was taking down threats to our safety. But I was wrong. When I realized how many innocent people I must have murdered, I was horrified. I hated who I’d been and what I’d done.”
Carter’s forehead furrowed. “How did you stop hating yourself?”
I gave him a small smile. “It took some help, but I recognized that I hadn’t been given a choice. I’d been brainwashed into believing what I was doing was right for as long as I could remember. But as soon as I found out that I’d been wrong, I made a promise to myself not to hurt anyone who didn’t deserve it. To make sure my actions really did stop others from getting hurt. Now that I know, I can make an actual choice, andthatchoice defines who I really am.”
I paused and motioned to him. “You’re in the same situation in so many ways. You were brainwashed by our family into believing that the rituals were for the greater good. You didn’t have anyone pointing out the flaws in their stories. But I’ve seen that some part of you can tell that it wasn’t right. You aren’t set in their ways like the rest of them were. You could make different choices now that you’re free from them, and I want to give you the chance to make those choices. To be who you’d really want to be, not who they expected you to be.”
“You and I aren’t the same,” Carter said, but his protest sounded weak. There was something hungry in his expression at the same time, as if hewantedme to convince him.
“I know we’re not,” I said. “I just understand your situation in a way most other people couldn’t. I can’t force any decisions on you. It has to be your own choice for it to mean anything anyway. And you don’t have to agree with me. I just hope you’ll find it in you to break away from what our parents taught you and make up your own mind with everything else you’ve learned. You’re smart enough to recognize that their claims don’t hold water. What you do from there is up to you.”
He lifted his free hand and ran it through his hair. His gaze had slid away from me, his expression tensing in a way I couldn’t read. Then his jaw wobbled. He swallowed audibly, like he was trying to hold back his emotions. Like he was adrift with no idea where to turn and terrified about the road ahead.
Like a lost kid who had no idea how to find home again and no one he thought he could count on to really care.
I’d told him that I did care, but words weren’t necessarily enough. An impulse ran through my body that I balked against, wary that this might be another trick like his stunt with the lawn mower. But everything from the slumping of his shoulders to the hitch that’d come into his breath felt genuine to me. His questions had gone from accusing to confused.
How could I expect him to believe that he wasn’t a monster if I acted too scared of him to really reach out?
I shifted forward to kneel beside him, sliding my arm around his back tentatively in case he jerked away. But after a momentary tensing, he leaned his face into my shoulder. A tremor ran through his body. I let myself wrap my other arm around him, squeezing him in a gentle but emphatic hug.
“I’m here with you,” I said. “I’ll help you get through this and find your way as much as I can, if you want me to. That’s what true family does.”
He gulped, and then his arms rose to return my embrace. He clung to me for a few minutes, just struggling to smooth the rasp out of his breathing. When he finally eased back, he was blinking hard. His voice came out rough.
“That’s the first time— Since I was twelve— When I got old enough, Mom and Dad stopped offering any kind of gestures like that, physical affection or whatever. They said I was becoming a man, and I should be strong enough to stand on my own. But sometimes I felt so alone…”
A lump rose in my own throat. I squeezed his arm, still sitting close. “You’re not alone now. We’re in this together. As long as you’re willing to try.”
“I’m really confused,” he admitted. “So much has happened. I miss them, but I also— I only ever wanted to make sure there’d be less pain in the world.” He lifted his head to look me in the eyes. “You really think that taking out this Blood Hunter guy will do that?”
“I’m sure of it,” I said, my certainty ringing through my voice.
Carter sucked in a breath. “Okay. Okay. I don’t know about everything else, but we can figure that out later. For now… I’ll help you stop him. Just tell me what you need me to do.”
