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“No!No,” I insisted. “Please be normal with me. Everybody’s tiptoeing around me, always asking if I’m okay. But how could I be when everybody is treating me like I’m not?”
“Fair enough,” he nodded. “But are you doing everything that’s necessary for you to be okay? ’Cause I’ve got to be honest with you—everybody is kind of feeding off your energy here.”
“How would you know? You haven’t even been around.”
He drew his head back. “Tati, you act like you don’t want me around onregulardays. So I fell back, not trying to be another nigga in your face after what you just went through with ol’ dude. Whywouldn’tI find somewhere else to be?”
I shrugged, not really knowing how to answer that because he was right. I did treat him like he got on my nerves because hedidget on my nerves. But him not being around, for some reason, wasn’t really acceptable either.
Why?
“You were always in my face before,” I said, pulling the top off of my container of food. “The only thing that changed is me getting assaulted. Are you not attracted to me anymore because of that?”
Shit.
I didn’t think through those words before they started coming out of my mouth, but it seemed like as shocking as they were to me, they were for him too.
Had I really had that in the back of my mind?
His eyes were wide before he shook his head leaning onto the counter as he responded.
“Look, I was trying to be respectful by giving you space, holding back on my…let me rub on your bootyenergy,” he said, biting his lip for a second before he continued. “But I hear you when you say that’s not what you want. So come here, let me feel it.”
“Shut up.” I laughed, holding up a hand. “I’mnotsaying that.”
“Aren’t you though?” he asked, making much more sense than I wanted him to. “Maybe youdon’twant me touching you, I’m not saying you do. But what I’m hearing is that you need to know I stillwantto touch you, right?”
I stuck a forkful of food in my mouth so I wouldn’t have to answer, but since Onyx just looked at me, waiting, I finally conceded with a nod. “Yes.”
“Okay.” He laughed. “So like I said, come here.”
I scoffed. “I know it sounds so stupid,” I said. “And I don’t even know why I’m talking about this with you. Where did Maite go?”
“She was on the phone and stepped out. But why wouldn’t you talk about this with me? I seem like a bad person to talk to or something?”
“I’m not saying that,” I denied. “I’m just saying… how much can you really relate? I mean,look at you,” I said. “You’re not going home and feeling like your space isn’t really yours anymore, scared of what someone might decide to just walk in and do. And I bet your wholeshow me that you can break into my houseprank doesn’t seem as funny anymore now, does it?”
”You’re right about that,” he agreed, then swallowed the food in his mouth before he kept talking. “But if you’ll recall, I came here that night because I wasn’t feeling very secure about the safety of my own space. I’mnotsaying it made it right to scare you, but Iamsaying that it’s not really accurate that I can’t relate. Not on that one.”
“Okay, I’ll give you that,” I said. “But again, look at you. Who’s making you do anything you don’t want to do? Who’s forcing themselves on you?Inside you?” I asked, quickly clearing my throat in hopes of disguising the sudden emotion that had built in my throat.
Onyx put his fork down, staring at me for a moment before he spoke.
I was expecting to hearyou know what, you’re right.
The line instead that came out of his mouth was, “Actually, you’re still wrong.”
When I opened my mouth to contradict him, he shook his head. “No, I said what I said, you’re still wrong. I know you think you know what I’m all about, but you don’t. And I’m too over the shit to keep it anything but a buck right now, and I think you’d appreciate it more if I did anyway. So let’s just get into it.”
My eyes were wide the whole time he was speaking, completely caught off guard by his words. “What do you mean?”
“What I mean is that, even though I’m not even bound by the same rules and expectations as I was before, all somebody has to do is play a certain song – one I don’t even know, so I can’t avoid – and I’m the goddamn Manchurian candidate. That’s—”
“I know what it is,” I interrupted, waving his explanation off.
I’d seen the movie.
“But how is something like that even…? Who…?Why…?” I stammered, not even able to fully articulate my confusion.
