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So somehow, I was going tohaveto find peace with it all.
I was going to have to figure this shit out myself.
In the meantime… I actually couldn’t leave Vegas.
After what thePredatorshad been through—not at my hands, but because of my presence—the least I could do was stick around and offer as much as I could in the way of helping them rebuild.
Even though it wasn’t enough.
Or maybe it was enough, but it didn’t feel like it, and I wasn’t sure any amount of helping with construction or providing security, or whatever else got thrown my way, would ever feel like it.
Neither Tati nor Blue’s reassurances helped either.
In fact, it almost made it worse.
Because why did I deserve comfort from either of them?
They were the ones who I was closest to, the ones who really knew all the dirty, nitty gritty details of how all this shit went down.
I showed up here under false pretenses, and Blue had been ready to knock my head off for the shit… until he wasn’t.
Tati spent my first weeks in this damn place mired in suspicion of me, barely even wanted me in the same room. Now when I looked in her eyes, I saw this implicit trust—thislove—that I couldn’t figure out how the fuck I could possibly deserve.
I’d pointed a gun at her.
Had my fingeron the trigger.
And even as much as she harped onbut you didn’t pull it,you weren’t in control of yourself,that wasn’t really you, what she didn’t seem to understand was…
That shit did not make me feel better.
Not even a little.
It was another thing that made my stomach turn, reminding me that no matter how far removed I got from all of this, there was stillthatpossibility lingering, this unblockable weapon just waiting to be activated in my mind.
In Renard’s house, I was on guard, waiting for it, knowing it was most likely coming, but what about when I didn’t know? What about when I hadnodefense?
I barely had any defense now.
If it wasn’t for Margeaux showing up when she had, I would not be here for Tati to reassure me it wasn’t my fault.How was I supposed to reconcilethatwith laying in that woman’s bed every night, enjoying the privilege of access to her when I couldn’t even keep her safe?
Thatwas the type of shit on a constant loop in my mind, the type of shit that made it so confusing for me when her, or Blue, or Keira, oranybodyapproached me all concerned, asking me if I was alright.
No.
I wasnotalright, and I didn’t know if that was a state that would ever be within my reach.
Next time no one had a task to give to keep me busy, I got myself out of the clubhouse.
I didn’t have anywhere else to go, but I needed a bit of solitude, some quiet.
Initially, I was just riding around the far reaches of the desert, aimless. But then a destination popped up in my mind.
I immediately attempted to shake it, but couldn’t, so instead of trying to brush it off, I followed that inexplicable pull and found myself back at the cemetery Tati had taken me to.
What seemed like a lifetime ago.
I went back to a grave I could barely look at back then, and this time I stayed.
