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“I’m sorry.”
“Talk to me, brother, please.”
“I’m good, I just needed to visit him, that’s all,” I lie, hoping it will be enough for him to leave me for a little while longer.
“Bullshit… talk to me, Ronan.”
“Why don’t I give you guys some time… I’ll go wait by the car.”
“No, wait.” I reach out, grabbing her hand before she has a chance to get up. “I’ll talk, just… can you stay, please?”
“Of course.”
She leans in, her hand cupping the side of my head and pulling me to her. She places a gentle kiss on my temple, but it’s enough to give me the strength I need.
“I’m losing myself; I’m losing control of everything. Something has shifted, and I feel different.” I clear my throat, I need a moment to gather my thoughts, I’ve never opened up before, not like this, and it scares me.
“I know I’ve always been different, but now its… it just feels wrong. I don’t know who I am anymore. I thought having you around me, Liv, was what was causing these feelings, but it’s not you––this change, these feelings, they started after I lost Rory.
“I hate that he’s not here anymore, and I know you won’t understand this, but I can’t feel him anymore.”
I feel tears pooling in my eyes, and I try to rub them away, but they just keep pooling.
“All I feel is hate, that need for revenge is consuming, and I’m scared that one day my demon will take complete control and I’ll never be the same again.”
Killian moves, kneeling in front of me, gripping my face, turning me towards him.
“I’ll never let you lose yourself, none of us will. Ronan, you aren’t alone, you never have been. I know that you’re different, I know that Da taught you things we probably couldn’t even imagine––he singled you out because of that darkness, but, brother… we all have it. We all have that demon lurking beneath the surface, the only difference is that your demon… yours is a little darker than ours.”
My hand is gripping Liv’s so tight, I’m sure it’s hurting her, but she never complains, and I don’t let go, because I need the strength it gives me.
“Rory understood me in a way that nobody ever could. He kept me grounded, and not having him here gets harder every fucking day. I miss him so much, and I’m in a constant battle between my feelings of pain and fear of the darkness taking over me. I don’t know how to survive without him at my side.”
“You survive with your brothers at your side. Let us learn how to ground you. And we’ll be there when you exact your revenge, shoulder to shoulder, and when you’re battling your demon, we’ll be right there battling with you. And when you feel like you’re falling, we’ll be right there to catch you. We won’t let you fall, Ronan––I won’t let you fall.
I will save you, baby brother. Every. Fucking. Time.”
Embarrassment and shame take hold, and I lose it. Yanking my hand out of Liv’s, I push Killian away from me, only, he doesn’t move. He just holds his position right in front of me, not letting me look away.
“I don’t deserve it, I don’t deserve your support, your love, none of it.”
“What the fuck are you talking about, Ronan? It isn’t a case of whether you deserve it, you’ve got it regardless. You’re my brother.”
I let out a laugh––it’s cold and dark. “You don’t get it. I failed; they are all dead because of me.”
Liv has one hand on my arm and the other on my back, her warmth, her strength soothing me. I don’t want to be soothed, so I try and push her away, but she moves back, her hands back in the same position.
Killian doesn’t say anything, he just watches my treatment of her, then watches her movements with his eyebrow raised. She came back for me, and he’s impressed by her courage.
“What do you mean you failed? You haven’t failed anyone.”
“But I did. I failed them both––Da and Aoife. She called that night, called Da and said she was in trouble and that she needed help. He went to her, called me on his way, but I didn’t pick up. I should have been there to help, but instead, I was too fucking busy getting drunk.
I’d spent years following orders, learning, honing my skills, and I was angry. I just wanted to blow off some steam, just once, but that’s all it took. I was drunk while our sister was beaten to death by her boyfriend, and our Da was shot as he tried to save her.
“I should have been there, I shouldn’t have been drinking, and they’d still be alive if it weren’t for my carelessness.”
“You can’t blame yourself, Ronan, this isn’t on you. You think this is your fault, you think if you had been there that they would be alive, but what if you had been there… we might have lost you too. This isn’t on you just because you were drunk––Da didn’t call anyone except you, and that is on him.
