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I know what he's asking. Does my heart want him enough to commit to him? That's when I do the only thing that feels right. Awkwardly, I crawl over the center counsel and into his lap, where I take his face in my hands. His eyes are pained, and he makes no attempt to touch me, and it fucking hurts.
"I'll give you all that I have."
His nostrils flare, and his breathing becomes more labored as he pulls me into his chest and just holds me.
Mason
Ten
SinceMonday,I'vebeenon an emotional rollercoaster. I finally revealed my desire to take my relationship with Gianna to the next level, and she didn't reciprocate that want. As a result, I've been angry, bitter, annoyed, optimistic, and heartbroken. I couldn't tell you when I gave her the power to dismantle my heart, but she ran away with it somewhere along the line. They say your soul is supposed to continue existing after your body is dead, but if I learned anything this past week, it's that there is no me after her.
If I lose her in the end, I have no one to blame but myself. I should have made my move sooner, but I thought we had more time. Gianna just lost her home, her family finally landed on their feet, and now she has started her first real job. So, the timing for me to confess my feelings and ask for more didn't feel right.
When I picked her up on Monday and saw the way August looked at her, I knew I had to make my move, but now I'm wondering if it's too late. The truth is I've always seen this day coming, the day another man might turn her eye away from me, but I didn't think it would be him or now.
Last night was yet another sleepless night. All I could do was replay our moment in the parking lot repeatedly as if I was worthy of the torment. This is all my fault. Sitting there blaming myself for the outcome felt better than accepting that she was putting some random guy in front of me. The self-pity eventually morphed into animosity, and I felt compelled to hit something. That's when I decided to pick my pathetic ass up off my bedroom floor and go hit the bags at the gym. Then she showed up.
Now I'm sitting in my car with Gianna on my lap, and as I hold her, I swear I can feel her putting the pieces of me back together. She's here with me, and it's real. I can leave the hell I put myself in. I've never felt this way around Gigi. I'm so nervous that I might say the wrong thing or push her for more than she's ready to give. Gianna deserves my best. She is the only thing that kept me from breaking all these years and I took her for granted. She just told me she's willing to give me all she has, but that's a fragile gift, and I want nothing more than to protect it so that it never slips away.
My racing heart has finally calmed. But, when I pull back to look at Gigi, I see that her eyes are filled with tears.
"Babe, please don't cry. The last thing I ever want to be is the reason for your tears."
Reaching up, she takes my ball cap off and runs her fingers through my hair.
"I hurt you, and I'm so, so sorry. You mean so much to me. You are everything to me."
Before I know it, I've pressed my lips to hers ever so gently. When I feel her relax against me, I deepen our kiss, sinking my tongue deep into her mouth, committing her taste and feel to memory. I sense she's doing the same to me, slowly rubbing her tongue against mine, exploring this new shared intimacy. Running both my hands up her back, I pull her into me, eliminating the distance between us. Heat courses through my body setting every nerve ending ablaze.
We've been intimate before, but now that I've revealed my heart, I feel so exposed. Why have I never felt this before? My hands move to her waist, finding the hem of her shirt. I raise it and stroke my fingers over the soft, warm skin of her hips. Her body breaks out in goosebumps as the tiniest whimper escapes her lips, and I swallow it, letting it consume me.
I've always been able to read her so well, and I can't help but wonder if she can read the apology on my lips. My heart is hammering out every selfish move I've made, every tactless dismissal of her advances, every time I took us for granted. Her hands are laced behind my neck, holding me to her as if she's afraid I might pull away. And that thought hurts worst of all because if she does feel that way, it's only because I gave her the reason to.
I don't want to lose her. I can't. All of this is so much more intense, so raw, and I can't get enough. When she loosens her grip on the back of my neck, it feels so much heavier than it should. It's as if she's releasing a piece of me. Sliding her hands down my chest, she pushes back, and I immediately feel the loss of her lips on mine deep within my soul.
"Is your mom home?"
When I look into her soft eyes, I know what she's asking, and fuck me if I don't want to give it to her. Brushing my hands up and down her arms, I attempt to dampen the arousal flaring between us.
"No, she's gone all weekend." Giving me a shy smile, she leans into my neck before saying, "Can we go inside?" Because I have no willpower when it comes to her anymore, I say, "Whatever you want, babe."
Once I have her inside my room, I know what she's expecting, so I pull back. As much as I want to take what she's offering, I don't want it to be like this. We are both emotionally strung out and weak from the pain we've inflicted on each other. When I take her virginity, I want it to be because it feels right, not because she's trying to make things better or prove a point. I hate to admit it, but I know that because of him, I will have to work for her heart, something that she has always tried to give me freely.
"Lay with me," I say to her as I pull her towards my bed.
Her big green eyes search mine looking for the meaning behind those words, and I know she understands what I'm asking without speaking the words. Gianna has spent most of her life reading between the lines and having people tell her what they think she wants to hear. I don't want her to think that's what I'm doing right now. Sometimes silence speaks louder than words, and tonight I'll show her my heart by wrapping her in my arms.
Reaching for the hem of my sweatshirt, she pulls it up, and I let her take it off. She puts a hand on my chest and pushes me back on the bed. Once we've laid down, side by side, she snuggles in under my arm and wraps her leg around mine. When her head lays across my chest, the smell of coconuts envelops my senses, and it feels like home.
We lay there in silence for a while before she lazily runs her fingers up and down my chest. She knows how much I love it. Her nails gently dragging over my skin initially always gives me goosebumps, but it's not long before I settle into a blissful state of relaxation. I can tell she's about to doze off since her movements are slowing. I place a kiss on top of her head before she's too gone to notice. It's another few minutes before her hand has stilled, her breaths have softened, and I follow her into one of the deepest nights of sleep I've had in months.
August
Eleven
It'sFridayafternoon,andI'm sitting in a Sales meeting to discuss upcoming item launches, and possible brand avenues to explore. We ordered lunch, and Maria went up to reception to grab it. Sitting around the conference table making idle chit-chat with the team, movement out the front window catches my eye.
Immediately I notice Gigi's thick dark blonde hair blowing in the wind as she walks to her car. I haven't spoken to her since our date last Friday, and it's fucking maddening.
