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Huge fucking difference and I can’t explain it any other way. I’ve never had this kind of a connection with anyone and didn’t know there was such a thing until we met a few hours ago. Dammit, I’m completely fucked.
“We have the video stream of these two on my phone so we could go grab some breakfast,” I offer, not wanting her to leave but I know from our conversations she rarely leaves the ranch and she just spent the night here; another crucial change in her altered routine. “The diner in town or I could fix us something.”
She gives me a small smile.
I’m bracing myself for her reaction and am caught by surprise when she quips, “I’m starved. Pancakes? Here or the diner, whatever.”
“If the lady wants pancakes, then she shall have ’em,” I promise her and we stroll out of the stable as I guide her toward my house.
“Did you get the plumbing fixed?” she asks as we step inside. “Oh, you’re right, it’s much brighter this way with the lighting now that you’ve knocked out part of the wall. Such a difference. I know you’ve shown me pictures but damn, they didn’t do it justice. The new living room is exquisite.”
The corner of my mouth twitches. She knows everything that has been going on in my life over the past few months but has never actually been here; it’s a unique friendship we’ve managed to develop.
“Come on, if you think the living room is exquisite, you have to see the kitchen.” I place a hand on her lower back and she stiffens underneath my touch.
“Shit. Sorry,” I mutter and take a step away from her.
She might have been sleeping against me but there was distance between our bodies when she was fully awake and only did her body slide toward mine when she dozed off.
Ramona gives a small shake with her head. “No. Actually, it’s fine. If anything, I would like for you to touch me.”
A grin slides across my face. “Careful, sweetheart. I might take advantage of the free range invitation.”
Double shit. I shouldn’t have said it but then again, I refuse to swallow words and tiptoe around innocent innuendoes.
“See?” She points a finger in my direction. “That’s what I’m talking about. Everyone watches what they say around me but you blurt out those things without thinking twice. I think I need it. You know, to harden myself so I don’t freeze when a guy places a hand on me. Hell, I loved sex and now I’ve been in a dry spell ever since and I’m so sick of it. How else am I going to get over it if I keep distancing myself from men and pleasure?”
My dick twitches behind my zipper by the sound of those words. “Whoa there. Going from a simple touch to having sex within seconds is going from zero to a hundred, don’t you think?” Her cheeks heat and I lift my arms away from my body. “But hey, if you want to use this sack of meat and bones for your pleasure only, I’m available at all times.”
“Are you serious? Because I am.” The sternness in her voice flips this discussion from playfulness to an earnest and open discussion.
I swallow hard and a flood of different shit hits me full force. Like I said, my wife ruined me, and she’s not even alive anymore. How is that for fucked-up?
“Oh, shit. How embarrassing. Never mind. I didn’t mean to put you on the spot. It was a bad idea anyway and probably way too soon. It was just a fleeting thought on a well of emotion because I finally slept somewhere else without waking up screaming. And with a man beside me no less. Yeah, that was just it. No worries, I’m over it now.” She gives me a fake smile that doesn’t lift the dullness in her eyes and I feel like an even bigger dick than I have between my legs.
“Stop,” I snap and run my hand over the back of my neck, knowing there’s no other way around this but to tell her the truth. “Come on, take a seat while I make the both of us some coffee. I’m going to need it when I’m about to explain things I haven’t shared with anyone.”
“You don’t have to.” She reaches out and places her delicate hand on my forearm so fucking tender it feels like she’s caressing my heart. “It’s perfectly fine. Listen, I’m just going to go, okay? If there’s anything with the foal or Melba, shoot me or Ivar a message.”
“Sit,Mona,” I rumble.
“Mona?” she questions with a grin along with a raised eyebrow as she slides her perky ass onto the chair at the kitchen table.
“Yeah.” The corner of my mouth twitches. “It felt like a ‘Mona Moment.’”
“I used to correct people when they shortened my name so now they only call me Ramona. Strangely I don’t find it annoying when you call me Mona. So, am I going to get pancakes along with the coffee you promised? Or can’t you work and talk?”
“I can do anything I put my mind to,” I tell her and walk to the counter to make us some coffee.
I place the cream and sugar on the table along with a big mug filled with steaming black goodness before I make myself a cup and start to pull out the ingredients I need to make pancakes. Keeping my hands busy, I find it easy to make it seem as if I’m talking to myself instead of bearing the shameful and ugly truths out in the open for her.
“I met Molly seven years ago during a mission. She was part of a special task force and when the mission was over we all went out for drinks and one thing led to another and we woke up in bed together the next day. It was an easy solution. Each of us had understanding for the other one’s career and time away. Others might say we grew apart or we weren’t really connected, whatever. Hell, we got married in Vegas on a whim during leave after a night of drinking.”
“Don’t hold back on the festiveness,” Ramona mutters and grabs the plates from the cupboard to set the table.
I grimace and reluctantly admit, “Everyone thinks I’m grieving for my dead wife, but in fact I am bitter. I am of course in some way grieving, but it’s tainted with a load of repressed anger. Everything is mixed together and I’ve been keeping a lot to myself and maybe it’s wrong but it wasn’t anyone’s business. And it’s not like it would have made a difference either way.”
Her delicate fingers slide over my forearm to take the pancake batter out of my hands. “You lost me there in your ramblings, Perry. Mind explaining the whole anger issue toward your dead wife so I can make sense of it all?”
