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Her words are spoken without judgement as she stirs the batter.
“She was pregnant when she died,” I blurt.
Ramona’s head whips my way and her eyes are wide.
“She told me hours before she died that she was getting an abortion. My opinion didn’t matter and she didn’t even want to hear it because it was her body, her career, and she never wanted children to start with. It was an accident that had to be resolved. Her getting pregnant was indeed an accident. The condom broke. She was on the pill but was taking antibiotics for a bacterial infection so she wasn’t protected. We both knew there was a risk but she just told me she’d get a test and deal with it once we knew the results. I had no fucking clue she meant ‘deal with it’ as not talking shit through but simply making an appointment to get rid of it. It. A fucking baby. I told her I wanted kids in my future and she flat-out told me I married the wrong woman because she would never squeeze out a kid that would ruin her body and career.” I take a deep breath and tell her the rest of the conversation I never shared with anyone else. “When I was about to walk out the door, she admitted it probably wasn’t even mine anyway because she was having an affair with one of her teammates. I told her she was selfish and that I wanted a fucking divorce. Next thing I know I’m being told my wife died.”
“The same IED that caused Ivar’s hearing to be damaged beyond repair also took your wife’s life along with a few other teammates,” Ramona adds and steps in front of the stove as she starts to make pancakes.
We work in silence until there’s a large stack of pancakes and we take a seat at the table. I’m glad for the comfortable silence. There is no judgement or words thrown at my head for being an asshole for not supporting my wife’s choice while she never gave me one.
I take a bite of pancake and glance up at Ramona’s tender and warm gaze. She gives me a smile before she focuses back on her own plate and drenches her stack of pancakes with a load of syrup and practically inhales the food.
The pressure I always feel on my chest–weighing down the load of guilt and anger I carry with me–slips away. And for the first time I allow myself the possibility of starting over to open myself up completely to the woman sitting in front of me.
The one who knows the secret and ugly memory I’ve kept to myself for far too long and is still having breakfast with me with a fucking smile on her face that reaches her eyes with more warmth than I deserve.
CHAPTER THREE
– RAMONA –
All through breakfast I’ve let Perry’s words sink in. I couldn’t give him my reply without thinking things through. What I’ve come to realize is the fact that Perry has a bigger weight on his shoulders than everyone else thinks he has and the man hides it well.
Maybe not well enough because knowing this I’m guessing it has to eat at him on a daily basis. His expression when I suggested we should have sex totally makes sense now. It also touches me deep he trusted me with this piece of him he hasn’t shared with anyone else.
Right now we’re doing the dishes together. I’ve cleaned a plate and when I hand it to him, I’m ready to talk.
“Your wife was a bitch for cheating and not discussing the pregnancy with you but the dying angle took away the chance to face the gap in your relationship. You never got to see what she eventually would have done. If she spoke the truth about her infidelity or if she wanted to push you away. And if she really was cheating on you? She’s a quadruple bitch. But still, she might have had to process the fact that she was pregnant.”
Perry dries the plate in silence and when I hand him the other one he takes it and says, “Molly insisted she never wanted any kids. And her infidelity? I met her teammate at her funeral. He flat-out told me they had an affair and how she wanted to divorce me.”
I put my hands on the counter and stare at him in shock. “Motherfucking asshole. At her funeral? Well, fuck. Talk about being rude in all ways.”
“Yeah.” Perry chuckles. “You have quite the mouth on you.”
I shrug. “If the moment calls for it you have to let out the bad words so the insanity doesn’t infect your brain. Swearing takes the pressure off. No one needs a headache caused by other people’s insanity.”
“Sounds like the both of us need to swear for a few days,” Perry states.
“More like the both of us need to have therapeutic sex. How long has it been for you?”
The bark of laughter ripping from him makes my skin tingle.
His laughter stops and he murmurs, “The last time was with my wife…when the condom broke.”
“Holy shit,” I whisper. “Over five years ago?”
“Yeah. She ruined me for future relationships and there was a lot of shit to process. The craving of intimacy or to have a one-night stand to get my rocks off didn’t appeal to me for all those years. Until you. Then you start to mention therapeutic sex and I’m hard as a rock, but the many doubts hit me out of nowhere, and then you backtracked and I figured I owed you the truth.”
“We most definitely need therapeutic sex. Unless you think you can’t get it up any more. Then I’d suggest some of those little blue pills along with the therapeutic sex. Hey, we could start with getting each other off in front of one another. You know, have a no touching rule in place and just look. Kinda like live porn between friends.”
“Motherfucker,” Perry curses underneath his breath.
I shoot him a smile. “See? Swearing takes off the pressure.”
He shakes his head and throws the towel on the counter. Next thing I know his mouth covers mine and my whole body heats by the mere feeling of his lips moving against mine. I was expecting fear and repulsion when another man touched me but instead, I’m ready to deepen the kiss. Except, Perry is already pulling away, ending the delicious kiss.
“Fine. There’s no fighting the attraction I feel toward you. Every thought I have has been tainted with sex since you made me the offer to have you.”
