Page 19 of Making Time for Us


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“What do you mean?” she asks curiously. “What’s going on?”

“Marco and I fought yesterday, and you know what any kind of spat with him does to me. I’ve been a ball of nerves since. I told him that I’ve been having a hard time adjusting since the girls went to school and that I started seeing that therapist you saw when you and Joe were going through fertility treatments —”

“You did?” she interjects. Her expression reminds me of the one Marco had yesterday and my stomach sinks.

“Yeah, I remembered how much she helped you accept your decision to stop treatments and I just needed someone to talk to who was unbiased and could help me through the transition. It wasn’t a secret or anything. I just wanted the time to figure it out for myself, you know?” I shrug and then shake my head. “It sounds so stupid now, but I was a little scared, and embarrassed, and needed to do it for me. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”

She squeezes my shoulder. “Oh sweetie, don’t worry about me at all. I think that’s great. And it makes sense you need some space to figure it out. You know I’ll always be here.”

“I know.” The sincerity in her eyes relieves some of the tension my body has been gripping tight to since we started talking. “She was actually the one that suggested I take baby steps to focus on myself more, which led me to buy those new clothes. Marco was really hurt when I told him about it for the first time yesterday though.” I rub my hands over my eyes trying to rid my brain of the memory of the fight. “He made it seem like I was keeping it from him becauseheis the one I’m questioning. I was trying to start a conversation with him about our prioritizing our marriage again and sex life, or lack thereof—” She winces. “—but the conversation did not go well… well,didn’t go wellis the understatement of the century."

"Yikes."

"Yeah, It blew up in my face immediately after I word vomiteddo you ever feel like something is missing in our marriage?” She winces again so I know it really is as bad as I’ve been reliving it to be in my head. “I didn’t mean it likethat, because I really am so happy with our love. I just meant that somehow time for just us and the passion we used to share found its way to the back burner and I want to take it off, you know? When I told him I started therapy, his shock and confusion shifted to hurt, and all hope was lost. I screwed the whole thing up.” I bite my lip.

She blows out a ragged breath. “Sheesh.”

“Yeah, it was bad. I didn’t mean to say it so crudely but apparently, my brain-to-mouth filter was shut off. But once I started, I couldn’t stop. I was just trying to find out if he felt like I do, because we don’t really spend much time doing stuff together and when we do it’s always chores or talking about the kids, and—” I look around to make sure no one is within earshot and even though there isn’t, I lower my voice anyway “—we aren’t having sex that much and when we do it’s not that great.” I shake my head. “It came out all wrong. Word vomit everywhere.”

Leaning closer to me, she whispers, “It’s not great? What do you mean? Like he can’t get it up?”

I vigorously shake my head. “No, nothing like that, he can get it up fine, but he doesn’t really initiate and when we do have sex, it’s kind of ehh. Always the same stuff every time… Don’t get me wrong, I love the closeness I feel during sex with him and when we cuddle together after, but there’s nozippy energyanymore.”

Her lips twist up as she holds back laughter. “Zippy energy?”

“You know when the tension from anticipationis so strong that you’re close to climax simply from touching each other. The arousal is so powerful that each touch feels like it lights you on fire. The throb between your legs is so intense you can practically hear it. It’s been a long time since it’s been like that. I can’t even tell you the last time I had an—” I lower my voice so it’s barely audible “—orgasm during sex.”

“Oh, honey. You need to change that ASAP.”

“I know, I know. I was looking up how to orgasm during sex and did you know that something like eighty percent of women can't climax with penetration alone?”

“I did know that.” She smirks.

I want to smack the prideful smile off her face. “Some friend you are for not telling me,” I grumble.

“You didn’t ask!”

“From now on, I expect you to tell me everything you know about everything.” I laugh. “I think my hang-ups are in my head too. I’m self-conscious about my body and I can’t seem to let go. I’m squishy now so I want the lights off because if I can feel it, I know he can, too.”

“Ellie. You know Marco adores you. I see the way he looks at you when you walk into a room. That’s all I need to see to know he thinks you’re attractive. He’s not paying attention to howsquishyyou are.” She air quotessquishy.

I sigh. “That’s part of the reason the conversation blew up. I might have slightly insinuated that he wasn’t as attracted to me anymore.” My lip is going to start bleeding from how tight I’m biting it. “I didn’t mean it but sometimes it feels that way when we’re naked and he barely looks at me. I know he’s attracted to me though because he’s always down for sex when I ask, but I’m rarely in the mood after a long day and when I am, it can be hard for me to really let go and enjoy myself.”

“Well, I’ve seen you two disagree and fight over the years, and you always find a solution together. You need to talk to him again.”

“I know. I will.” I shake my head. “Let’s go catch up to the kids. Thanks for listening. I’m sure you’re right, once we have time to really talk we’ll be able to figure it out.”

We begin to walk to our families, and she places her arm around my shoulder. “I’m always here for you, Ellie. I know you and Marco will figure it out, you both love each other so much. Be honest and tell him everything that’s bothering you like you just told me, sans word vomit.” She laughs. “Just be patient when you try again because you know it’s hard for men to communicate their feelings.”

She’s right. We’ve always committed ourselves to grow with each other and we’re going to have to do that now. I need to figure out how to have the conversation without him getting so defensive, though.

I think I might know a way…

Chapter 8

Little Blue Pill

Marco

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