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Eyes wide, I stumble. “Wh-what do you mean, different?”
"You’ve changed in the last few weeks. You seemsunnier.”
“Sunnier?”
“Yes, you seem happier, more content. Has anything changed in your life?”
Feeling at a crossroads, I can’t push words out of my mouth, so I stare at her as she waits patiently.
I clear my throat. “Uhh, yeah. A few things have, Mom.”
“Like what? I’d love to hear,” she says casually and then looks down at the menu she already knows by heart.
She’d love to hear about my life.
I’m in a bit of shock. I know nothing in our relationship could ever change for the better to deepen our connection if I don’t open myself up the way I have with Marco lately. I swallow the lump in my throat and say, “Well, after Liliana and Olivia went to school, I went through a mini-crisis about my role. I started therapy—”
“You went to therapy?” The shock in her eyes makes my stomach bottom out. I’m not sure if I see judgment or curiosity in them. “Why didn’t you talk to me instead? I could have helped —”
Suddenly, we’re interrupted by a tall man with an apron around his waist. “Hi there. I’m your server today and I’ll be taking your order. What can I get you both?”
My mother clears her throat and smiles, pushing the awkwardness of this moment down. After we tell him what we’d like, he disappears, and she turns her attention back to me with a concerned look on her face.
I can feel my heart pounding loudly in my ears as I reply, “You and I don’t talk about things like that, Mom. We never have. We kind of skirt around hard stuff and move on… I honestly didn’t think you would be able to help.” I shrug as my eyes fall to my shoes, reminding me of the tattoo I decided not to show her because I wasn’t sure if it’d be too much.
“Oh, darling.” She reaches her hands across the table and engulfs both of mine in hers. “You can always come to me withanything. I’m sorry you feel you couldn’t. I’ve always tried to be there how you’ve needed me, but you’re so different from me, so much more independent and confident, that oftentimes I don’t know how to.” The moisture that has collected in her eyes starts to roll down her cheeks silently. “I’ve never wanted to say anything to make you feel that I didn’t support you or love you with my whole heart because I absolutely do. I’m so proud of the woman you’ve become. And often find myself envious too.” She wipes her fallen tears off her cheek quickly.
“Oh, Mom. I didn’t mean to upset you. I know you love me and support me. I’ve always felt that. I just feel like sometimes I can’t share the messy parts because they make you so uncomfortable.” My eyes sting as I will my tears not to fall.
She sniffs quietly. “Don’t be silly, darling, you could never upset me. I simply wish we could talk about anything and everything that is important in your life.”
“I would like that too if that’s something you really want.” I offer her a small smile and a napkin from the place setting next to me.
“I would like it very much.” She stands in her seat to lean across the table and embrace me while I’m still sitting. The smell of her rose perfume reminds me of my childhood home.
After she sits down, she clears her throat. “So, tell me about therapy.”
“Well, Katherine, my therapist, and I have been talking about all the changes to my life since the girls started school. She said it’s really common for stay-at-home-moms to lose their sense of identity during this transition because there are no children at home full-time anymore. She has helped me realize that all my kids still need me, but this time of them being away is a gift that I can take for myself. It’s a tricky place for me, so we’ve worked through some of the guilt I feel for being so glad they’re all at school. I actually started Zumba and yoga with Jess at her studio to recenter myself back to my body. It’s been great.”
“I’m so glad for you, Ellie.” The warmth in her eyes encourages me to continue opening up.
“Thanks. Marco and I have had this extra time to sort of reprioritize our marriage too. We’re rediscovering each other.”
“What does that mean, rediscovering?” she asks, her head tilted to the side.
“Well, our love has always been strong, but I have felt like our marriage had taken a back seat to the kids and work over the last eight years.” She nods, the recognition in her eyes clear. “We actually went to the therapist together after I had trouble telling him that I wanted to try to reignite the spark. She gave us some simple exercises and it’s been incredible to reconnect.”
“That really is wonderful, darling. I’m so proud of you. It’s very important that your marriage is a priority because it is the foundation of your home. It will be the only thing left when your home is empty again. I remember being around your age, a fairly new mom working full time as an elementary school teacher, trying to maintain a healthy marriage. We only had you, but I recall it being a difficult balance. Truthfully, your father and I sort of lost sight of that part of our life.” Her eyes have filled with tears again and it’s clear she's struggling to go on. “Oh, I’m sorry I’m crying in the restaurant again.” She shakes her head as if to shake off past memories. “I’m so glad you’re doing the work now, Ellie.”
A few moments of silence sit between us and I remember how insistent she was about us going out for a date the day I dropped the kids off for their sleepover.
“Are you— ” I clear my throat and lower my voice. “Do you regret not putting in the work with Dad?”
“Oh, every day, darling. I don’t remember when, but one day I looked around and realized your father and I are basically just roommates… .”
Hearing the pain in her voice constricts my heart. From the outside looking in, I knew they didn’t have the mostpassionaterelationship, but hearing the vulnerability in her truth about how detached their marriage had really become rattles me.
“I’m so sorry, Mom. I didn’t know you and Dad struggled,” I whisper.
