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Could I?
I took a deep breath and shook off the icy chill of fear. “Yeah, okay.”
I followed Xander inside to a clean and tidy motel room. His small bag in the corner hinted at his short stay, but I didn’t want to think about that right now. My mind didn’t have enough room to process everything.
“You read my letter?”
“I did.” I sat gingerly in the single chair while Xander sat on the edge of the bed, leaning toward me, the way I slightly edged toward him.
Like magnets, my mind whispered.
Except, we weren’t magnets now. Because he’d pushed me away and then left, and whatever invisible tether between us had existed had been cleaved in two.
“I meant it, Peyton. Every single word.”
“You hurt me, Xander. You—”
“I know, fuck, I know.” He ran a hand down his face, exhaling a pained breath. “I messed up. I know that. But I think that maybe I needed to lose you to realize what I had, to realize how I truly felt about you.”
“You love me?”
“I do, so fucking much. It’s killed me staying away, not texting you or calling. But I needed to figure out some things. I needed to find a way to fix myself before I…” The words lodged in his throat, and I knew he’d probably never bared himself to anyone this way before.
And I got it. Neither of us were used to letting ourselves be vulnerable in front of others. But this wasn’t just any person. It was Xander. And I was Peyton, the girl who had opened up to him, trusted him with my heart. I was the girl who looked in his direction and saw him. Really saw him.
“Would you have come back for me if Jason hadn’t visited you?”
“Eventually, yes.”
“Eventually…” I let out a bitter laugh, darting my gaze away from him.
“I can’t change what happened, Peyton,” he sighed. “I can only own my mistakes and move forward. But I don’t want to move forward without you.”
God, I wanted to believe him.
“Jason said he thinks our relationship was some kind of dependency thing because we were both hurting.”
“I think he’s right—”
“What?”
Xander held up his hands. “Just hear me out for a second. You were in a dark place and I think you needed a savior.” His expression softened. “You needed someone to save you.”
I pursed my lips. He had a point. But people bonded over grief and pain and trauma all the time. It didn’t dampen what I felt for him.
It didn’t.
“What I feel… what I felt for you. It was real.”
“What you… felt?” Hurt flashed in his eyes. “So, you don’t…”
“Xander, that isn’t fair. You left me. You just left and I didn’t know if you were ever going to come back. You told me you couldn’t love me. You said it was a mistake.” My heart broke all over again, remembering how it had felt hearing those words. “Do you have any idea what that felt like?”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s too late.” Tears sprung from my eyes, rolling down my cheeks. This was too hard, sitting here with him. Listening to him try to fix what he’d broken.
“Don’t say that.” He dropped to his knees in front of me, sliding his hands up my thighs. “I need you, Peyton. I need you.”
