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“You’re entitled to space,” she said. “We just want you to know that we’re all here for you too.”
“I know.” I swallowed over the lump in my throat. “I’m lucky to have you.”
Without Lily and her family, I really had no one. Another tidal wave of emotion swelled inside me. I wasn’t used to being so battered by my feelings. Usually, I controlled them. Wrangled them the way a cowboy wrangled cattle. But this was different. When I’d slipped under the Susquehanna River, the icy-cold water flooding my lungs, something inside me snapped.
Something that felt irreparable.
Permanent.
“Hey, girls,” Lily’s mom appeared in the doorway. “It’s nice to see you up and about, Peyton.” She gave me a warm smile.
Mrs. Ford was the best. Kind and understanding, compassionate and funny, she radiated love. Fierce, unwavering love. The kind of love a mother should have for her daughters, her husband, and family. She represented everything I’ve never had, but despite not being mine, Mrs. Ford had welcomed me into her house with open arms and accepted me flaws and all.
But her acceptance could never fully repair the damage caused by the woman I got to call mom.
“How was the pizza?”
“It was fine thanks, Mrs.—”
“Felicity. You can call me Felicity, Peyton. You’re family now, sweetheart.”
Her words twisted my gut. “I-I’m going to get some fresh air.” I made a dash for the back door, slipping into the cool winter air. My breath drifted into the sky in a smoky tendril as I burrowed into my chunky knit sweater and sat on the swing chair. When I inhaled deeply, I could still feel it in my lungs, the icy sting of the Susquehanna River. I made myself take a breath, forcing the memories out.
I stared out at the Ford’s oversized yard. The swimming pool, covered for the winter, and the seating area nestled around an impressive grill. It wasn’t as fancy as some of our friends’ yards, but it was still worlds away from what I’d grown up with.
I was hardly surprised when Mrs. Ford joined me on the swing. “I hope you don’t mind,” she said, running her hands around her mug of hot chocolate. “The weather is turning.”
I managed a gentle shrug, shuffling up for her.
“Look, Peyton, I won’t pretend to know what you’re feeling or thinking. You have been through something no child should ever have to go through. But I want you to know that you can always come to me, with anything. You’re not in this alone, sweetheart.” She gently squeezed my knee. “And I know Jase is like a bumbling idiot at the moment, but it’s only because he doesn’t know what to say. He’s a man; they like to fix things. But this is one thing he can’t fix and he’s having a hard time reconciling that.”
My lip twitched. “It’s okay Mrs.—Felicity. I understand it’s weird for everyone, and I’m sorry—”
“Oh no you don’t. You’re not apologizing for anything that has happened. Apologizing suggests you’re at fault and you’re not, sweetheart, okay?”
I couldn’t meet her stare.
“Peyton, look at me.”
Slowly, I lifted my eyes to hers, swallowing over the giant lump in my throat. “What your mom did, it wasn’t your fault. I need you to know that.”
A small nod was all I could manage. She meant well, but this wasn’t something you could slap a Band-Aid and a few motivational words on.
“How are you feeling about tomorrow? You know, I can speak to Principal—”
“No.” I shook my head gently. “I want to get back to classes. The holidays are coming up. I need the distraction.”
“Well, okay, if you’re sure. But if it’s too much, you just say the word and I’ll talk to the administration. I spoke with Mya too. She’d like to see you.”
“I appreciate everything you’ve done for me; I do. But I don’t need to see the guidance counselor.”
“I think the school will insist. It’s protocol after a student…” She trailed off, and my cheeks flamed.
“I didn’t… like I told you and Jason before. It was an accident.”
“Nevertheless, it was a traumatic event.” A reassuring smile lifted the corners of her mouth. “Mya—Mrs. Bennet—is there to help you. She’ll be able to refer you for grief counselling if you want it.”
“I’m fine, really.”
