AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“That’s not… fuck you.” A faint smile traced his lips. “I’m glad you came. We all are.” Cameron turned to leave but placed his hand on my shoulder at the last second. “No matter what happens between us, you will always be a part of this family, Xander. I hope you know that.”
His words stayed with me long after he’d gone back inside. I knew he meant well; he always did. But Cameron didn’t know what it was like to feel inadequate, to feel completely alone in a room full of people. Because he’d never been alone, not truly. He’d always had Jase and Asher, and then Hailee had come along and rooted herself beside him. Cameron might have lived through our mom’s death and then our father’s accident, but he hadn’t done it alone.
So he would never understand what it was like to be in my shoes.
* * *
With three familiescrammed into the Ford’s house, there was nowhere to hide. Fee and Jase had covered the island in tin foil to make a huge nacho table. It smelled so fucking good that not even my hangover could put me off digging in.
“I think I died and went to heaven,” Aaron groaned around a mouthful of chili beef nachos.
“It’s good, right?” Poppy said. “I helped Mom make it.” She beamed at him.
“Come on, Peyton, get over here and eat something,” Jase said, budging over to make room for her.
“Oh, I’m not hungry. But thanks, Mr. Ford.”
His jaw clenched but Fee shot him a warning look with a small shake of her head. I glanced back at Peyton. She looked so small curled up on the sectional, scrolling through her phone. If she felt me watching, she didn’t look up.
“Hey, Coach,” Kaiden said, and me and Jase both glanced up at him. He smirked. “Coach Chase.”
Jase rolled his eyes. “Don’t forget who taught you everything you know, kid.”
“Jealous, Coach?” The opportunity to yank his chain was too good, and I smothered a grin.
“Hey, I taught you everything I know too, Xan.”
“He’s got a point,” Asher added.
“Maybe the two of you should go head-to-head?” Aaron suggested. “Now there’s a showdown I’d pay to see.”
“Nah, Coach Ford is too old to run with the big boys these days. Isn’t that right, Jase?” Laughter rumbled in my chest. It felt weird to be standing here, shooting the shit with him, Kaiden, and Aaron.
But part of me liked it. It liked the feeling of being a part of something.
Fuck. When had that happened?
Cameron caught my eye, and something passed between us. His eyes held a glimmer of relief, of hope. But I didn’t dwell on it. Just because I was here, laughing and joking like I was one of them, didn’t change the fact I wasn’t.
“What’s up, Kaiden?” I asked, trying to crack the tension that had settled over us.
“Why didn’t you go to college? I mean, you were good, everyone says you were. I’ve seen your high school records. You could have played any—”
“Kaiden.” Jase shook his head, sliding his eyes, heavy with concern, to mine.
The silence was deafening as all eyes turned to me. Fuck, I felt like the walls were closing in, the air being sucked from the room.
“Sorry,” Kaiden rushed out, “I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“It’s fine,” I lied. “I was young and foolish,” I swallowed over the lump in my throat, “and sometimes shit happens.”
I found my brother across the kitchen. He was rooted to the spot, watching me. There was so much left unsaid between us. So much I would never tell him. So much I couldn’t tell him.
“I need a smoke,” I said, heading for the door.
“I’ll come with you,” Cameron offered, but I pinned him with a hard look.
“No, stay.” I scrubbed my jaw, my skin too tight for my body. “I just need some air.”
Without another word, I slipped outside; but I didn’t linger near the house, I took off toward the lake.
I wanted to be alone. I needed to be alone. It was hard to explain that I’d come to crave the one thing I’d always resented.
For so long, I’d felt lonely. I’d felt like it was me against the world. Back in high school, I would have given anything to have a friend, a real friend who got me. Who understood me. But it never happened. I’d had friends, sure. I was always surrounded by people who wanted Xander the star football player. Girls who wanted a piece of me and guys who wanted to party with me. But no one ever wanted to know me. And maybe that was my fault. Maybe I was too intense, too guarded, too unattainable.
Dragging a hand down my face, I let out a steady breath. I wasn’t looking for a trip down memory lane. All I wanted was to finish up the season with the team and worry about the rest later.
The trees created a natural arch down to the lake. It was secluded down here, quiet and out of sight from the house. It was the perfect place to get lost.
But the second I stepped out of the thicket, I realized I wasn’t alone.
