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Hannah got up and left. She was wearing her pajamas, but that didn’t seem to matter to her. I didn’t follow. We had both grown closer and drifted further in the last week than we had in years. I had a firmer understanding of what was going on in her head but found it more difficult to want to run after her every whim. I realized that she was growing up, and I couldn’t do anything about that. She made a big mistake, but I hoped she’d learn from it.
I lay back on the bed and closed my eyes. I was so damn tired, but I hadn’t slept in a couple of days. I prayed that things would be different when I woke up.
Ruthie was a soccer player when I met her. So was I. She was one of the best players at Hilton High School, of either gender. I remembered her dashing into a game during recess, that hair of hers flying from a ponytail. I fell for her right then, but she refused to date me. She said I was too immature. That the way I treated women was ‘unfair, uncouth, and frankly neanderthal’. Before Ruthie, I thought I was hot stuff. She brought me down a few pegs, and when she finally agreed to date me, I thought I was the luckiest guy in the school. Of course, I was only fourteen when this happened, but the next three years passed in a blur of love and dumb fun. I knew she was the one for me, but she’d told me to hold off. She had dreams of becoming a marine biologist, of traveling the world, studying fish and the ecosystems they inhabited.
Then Hannah happened.
Ruthie drove to my house at two am and, like we were in a movie, threw rocks at my window. She had tears on her face, but I hugged her, I told her that whatever was wrong, we would get through it together.
She told me she was pregnant. Next, she told me she was keeping it. I never tried to convince her otherwise.
Our dreams went on hold, but it was okay because it was like a love story. We had to make adjustments. She went to nursing school, and I created a graphics business instead of studying art. It was okay, though. Once Hannah was born, it was all worth it.
I woke up feeling like I hadn’t slept. Hannah was still gone, but the light outside the window was dark now. I wondered where she was, but decided not to worry, because her phone rang twice, and was declined. She immediately texted me.
Busy.Be back in a bit.
I stayed on the bed, and like I’d seen Hannah do earlier, I stared at the wall, wondering if there was any end to this hell I was living in.
I had pictured such a bright future with Evelyn. We’d get married. The wedding could be as big or small as she wanted, although I couldn’t imagine how many guests we’d have—the two of us didn’t have many people in our lives. She’d move in, permanently. Or maybe we’d get a new place, just for the two of us. Hannah had been talking about moving out, her mind set on an apartment that had recently come up. I’d love to have a kid or two more but understood completely if Evelyn didn’t. I was just moving past the age where I’d want them, and she was only just entering it.
I wanted all of that, but if I couldn’t get her to leave Nevada, we’d never have it.
I don’t know how long it passed when I heard a knock on the door. I opened it, only for my heart to pound hopefully against my ribcage
“One more chance,” Evelyn said, “but I’m not living in your house. We’re starting fresh, and I’m getting my own place.”
“With me,” Hannah said, appearing behind her.
I didn’t know what they’d spoken about, but Evelyn’s eyes were slightly less guarded, and Hannah’s face was open and happy. She had gotten her back. I pulled the two girls into a hug and thought that maybe I had a guardian angel watching over me.
Taking Evelyn home was harder than I had thought it would be. She watched me with heavy eyes like she didn’t want to admit that she might run away again. She was clearly exhausted, but refused to let herself sleep—instead, she watched me.
“I’ll be here when you wake up,” I promised.
She shook her head.
“I want to memorize your face while I can,” she said.
It made me sad to think that she still believed we’d abandon her, that all our demons would come out from the woodwork to pull us apart again. Instead, I put my arm around her, tucking her into me as the plane flew across the country. That week I spent agonizing over her had felt fruitless, and then, trying to find someone who might have known where she’d gone, first in Las Vegas, and then in Salt Lake City. When I’d reached Battle Mountain with Hannah, I had convinced myself it was a fruitless trip, but with her tucked under my arm, all the way from Reno back to New York, I finally felt like things were coming together.
“I’m not letting you slip away,” I whispered, “So you don’t have to memorize anything.”
She grinned, but it wasn’t the wide grin I’d seen in my house when she was telling a joke or grabbing some water after getting out of the pool. It was almost like she was seeing me for the first time, and I looked like a stranger. I never wanted to look like a stranger to her. I knew it would take time though, so I kissed the top of her head, and tried to get some sleep. In reality, I just kept my eyes closed for the six-hour flight in the hope that Evelyn might also sleep.
Back at the house, Evelyn had agreed to stay for a few days. She also argued that she would find a new job, but I told her that if a job was that important to her, she could keep the one at my house. It was an unusual setup, but it worked for us. She received fair payment for services rendered, and I got to make sure she was in a safe and happy working environment. If she would let me, I would have just given her all the money she asked for, no questions asked. I suppose, in a way, one of the reasons I loved her so much was because shedidn’tjust ask for money. She didn’t just expect it to be a perk of dating me.
Speaking of, it was weird to be able to openly date Evelyn. It was strange to be able to walk down the street and hold hands or go out for dinner. Hannah still clearly wasn’t used to it, but mostly bit her tongue (except for the occasional gagging noise when we kissed).
Everything was going well, and by the day that Hannah and Evelyn moved out of the house, I felt like we were becoming a somewhat functional family. I helped them move everything, and the three of us sat on the floor of their apartment in Hell’s Kitchen. I knew the place was pricey, but Hannah had fallen in love with it and insisted on taking her best friend with her. Evelyn was still, very determinedly, paying rent, even if the rent barely amounted to the heating bill. I was happy to see my daughter happy, happy to see my girlfriend happy, so I didn’t mind that the apartment was what she chose to spend her money on.
Evelyn, through much hard work and determination, just about caught up on all the work she missed right before spring break. I took her away for our first spring break together, after Hannah hinted that she was going to head to Aspen to get away from the hubbub of city life (“and the ridiculous way you two fawn over each other”). We went to Santorini and spent the week lounging on the beaches and having lots of very hot sex. I dreamed of never going back to New York, but the textbooks Evelyn brought with her were a reminder that the real world was still waiting for us.
The real world wasn’t too scary anymore. I could call up Evelyn at any time, and I knew she’d be able to talk, or at least tell me she’d call me back. She was still working as a maid in my house part-time, even though I tried to convince her that it wasn’t necessary, and she was happy during the day. I asked her if there was anything that weighed her down. She denied it, but when we would spend the night together, sometimes she’d wake up with tears streaming down her face. I would hold her while she told me what was bothering her, and she would admit that even though it was all behind us, even though he was in prison for what looked like was going to be a long time, she saw Garth’s face. I would hold her tighter when she said this, and send prayers to whatever deity might exist that she would be safe from any more hurt in her life.
We focused on the good things. We could go on dates in public. I could take her to nice restaurants, and she could drag me to the clubs she and her friends frequented—thankfully, she didn’t want to go out that much. As much as I loved the occasional night out, the idea of doing it regularly made the difference in our ages feel very apparent.
I would never tell her that I still had nightmares, but she didn’t need me to. Just like I held her during the night, when she shouted for me to come look at something, or said we had to talk, my heart would tremor, prepared for a break that never came. She learned to use softer terms, and we became peaceful, the two of us against the world. Of course, there was also that fear that I’d lose her like I lost Ruthie. She told me all the time that she wasn’t going anywhere, and I reminded her of the freak accident that had killed my wife.
