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Sariah called Cass every day, and while they primarily talked about the wedding—which Sariah wanted to have right here in the backyard of her childhood home—they always spoke about West too.Cass needed that, and she’d come to realize that Sariah did as well.That was how she was coping with the loss of her father, and coming to terms with the fact that she didn’t have him to walk her down the aisle.
“Amen,” chorused around her, and she hadn’t heard any of the prayer.She felt the love of God in her life in that moment, though, and she felt it pouring from those who’d come to her home to help her celebrate Conrad’s graduation.
“All right,” Bessie said in a loud voice.Cass stepped away from her son, ducked her head, and wiped her tears.“Here’s the cake!”She presented a five-tier chocolate-iced cake, her face made only of sunbeams and joy.Bessie was such an amazing baker, and Cass’s heart filled with love for the generosity of her friend.
“Lord have mercy,” Conrad said, and Cass’s eyes flew to him.He sounded so much like West, who’d said that phrase all the time, his voice inflecting exactly the way Conrad’s had.A touch of dryness, the huge smile, everything about her son reminded Cass of West, and no amount of wiping could clear the tears from her eyes without letting some escape down her face.
Her golden retriever sat on her feet, and Cass looked down at Beryl.He always knew when she needed a friend, and she reached down to pat him, hoping to make his baleful eyes shine with happiness again.
“It’s got rugby equipment on it,” Conrad said, and he laughed afterward.“Thank you, Bessie.”He took the cake from her and held it higher as if anyone could miss it.He slid it onto the table and picked up one of Cass’s carefully chosen plates.“I’m going for cake first.”
Cass laughed along with a few other people, and the swell of activity pushed Cass back to the railing.She stayed there, letting life flow around her.She took nibbles of the energy everyone had brought to her home, knowing that by evening, she’d be alone again.She wanted to soak in everything she could, so she could feed off of it later, once Conrad had gone with Jane, once her friends had gone home, once she had to face the enormity of her future by herself.
Conrad would be gone to college that fall, and Sariah would get married, and then Cass would… Well, Cass had a lot of crossroads coming in her life, and as a round of laughter went up as some of Conrad’s younger rugby-playing friends arrived, she felt excited about them for the first time since she’d dropped her white rose onto West’s casket.
The next spring
“That’s fine, dear,” Cass said as she put the sugar bowl back in the cupboard.“I understand.”Of course she did.She knew by now that not everyone could do everything or be everywhere.She’d invited her daughter and her husband to Hilton Head this summer, but Sariah had just said they wouldn’t be able to make it.“This is an amazing opportunity for you and Robbie.”
Their wedding had been amazing, planned down to the minute and with Plans B and C in case of inclement weather or if two particular guests drank too much.Texas in October had cooperated with amazing colors and weather, though it had been hot.Cass and Sariah had planned for the heat, of course, and they’d beaten it with their misters and fans.Cass had added them permanently to the underside of the deck, and that had only added value to the house.
Conrad had done decently well for his first year in college, and he’d opted to stay at Baylor for the summer.Jane…well, Jane was currently still traveling, living out of a backpack and staying who-knows-where each night.She literally didn’t have a single planning gene Cass did, and she’d established a check-in time for her daughter every day just to ensure that she was still alive.
She was back in the States right now, at least as far as Cass knew, and expected to pass through Texas either today or tomorrow.The next day, Cass flew to South Carolina, and Jane probably didn’t know where she’d be.
Cass herself lifted her coffee mug to her mouth.“Don’t worry about me, Sariah.I’m doing really well.”And she was.West had died fifteen months ago now, and every day Cass felt more and more settled.More and more like herself.More and more like she could not only survive, but thrive.
“When are you going to Hilton Head?”her daughter asked.
Cass knew the exact date and time.The planner in her wouldn’t allow anything else, and she’d really leaned into that part of herself in the past year.She’d taken on more clients than ever, just to stay busy and surrounded with people.The truth was, she really needed what she’d privately dubbed her “summer sabbatical.”
“Friday,” she said.“So you’ll have to fly to Taiwan with a hug that’s a couple of days old.”She smiled at the thought of her daughter out there in the world, making a difference.
“I’ll survive,” Sariah said.“But we’re still on for dinner tonight, right?Just us and you?”
“Yes,” Cass said.
“I didn’t invite Jane,” Sariah said, and the words almost sounded like she’d shot them from a cannon.“Does that make me a bad person?”She sighed, and Cass did too.
“No,” she said gently.She didn’t know what else to say.“Jane is…” She didn’t want to make excuses for her daughter, because she understood the grieving process wasn’t linear, and it wasn’t the same for everyone, and it couldn’t be predicted.
“She’s Jane,” Sariah said, her voice heavy and tired.That about summed it up.They’d been saying that for years about Jane, and Cass should’ve gotten her into therapy sooner.Sariah didn’t know about the therapy, and Cass kept her younger daughter’s confidence.
“We’re all doing the best we can,” Cass said quietly.
“I know.”Sariah took a deep breath.“Okay, see you tonight, Mama.I love you.”
“Love you too, dear.”The call ended, and Cass stood in her kitchen for several long moments.If she listened hard enough, she could hear the birds chattering outside.She went out onto the deck, the very real image of West standing there, binoculars to his eyes as he searched for his beloved birds, entering her mind.
Today, there were no tears.Today, there was no burst of sadness, overwhelming emotion, or the sense of being purely lost.
Today, Cass smiled, but it was sad.Today, she went to stand where her husband always did, and she tried to see what he saw.
Today, she saw the future—and it wasn’t filled with crushing loneliness, solitary nights with dinner for one, or unending unhappiness.
Not anymore.
Something bubbled inside her, and Cass had a hard time identifying it.“Excitement,” she said aloud, finally getting her fingers around what she felt.She pulled out her phone to text Bea, and then she hurried inside to switch her laundry.After all, she’d be on the beach in a couple of days, and that required the brightest whites and colors a woman owned.
