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"What's wrong, baby?"
"You're hurt," she whines.
"No." I kiss her sweet lips softly, to reassure her. I realize a little too late and yet far too early that the lips under mine do not belong to my wife. I understand with ringing clarity why Elvis was so confused when I greeted him by his name; nobody calls him that anymore. He's Pres. I know why everyone's so confused by the way I'm acting. I know that the tears on Nell's face are probably from pain rather than fear. It's just too late to change it now.
Nell kisses me back, probably to avoid embarrassing me. It feels nice to have closeness for the first time in so long. It's the simple things you take for granted that you miss. The warmth of another body, the flowery smell of a woman, the feeling of someone taking a breath so close to you that you can feel it in their chest, feel the way their breath skates along your skin. I know it’s not right, but I spend a few extra seconds pretending that the girl I’m kissing isn’t the sister of the last woman I kissed, before she drove away and never made it back home.
I finally break away and kiss her wet cheek so I can whisper in her ear, “I’m sorry, Nell.” I stand up with her in my arms, putting her on her feet. “Let’s go upstairs.”
Pres lays his hand on my arm as Nell walks away. “Knox, that’s not-”
“I know, Pres.” I know this isn’t 2014. I know that was Nell and not Layla I just held and kissed and tasted.. I remember every heartbreaking second between 2014 and now. In 2014, we’d just gotten married. We were living in the clubhouse. It’s so easy to get confused in withdrawals.
He nods, showing more sadness than I’ve ever seen on his face. “Okay.”
Chapter Ten
Nell
Never before have I felt more gutted than I do at this moment. I just kissed my sister’s husband. Or… he kissed me, but I kissed him back. And she’s not here anymore. He didn’t even know it was me, but I knew. I wrap my arms around my stomach to hold in the sobs as I go into his room. I don’t know if he wants me here, but I have to apologize. I shouldn’t have done it. I should’ve pushed him away.
“Nell,” Knox says from behind me, boots stopped just inside the threshold and his body still filling the doorway when I turn around.
“I’m so sorry, Knox. You were confused and I didn’t know what to do. I should’ve pushed you away. God, what would Layla say if she was here? I mean, I kissed you. We just… kissed each other.” Even worse, I liked it. Ireallyliked it. I suck in a breath and dry my tears. “I need to get you to Doc. You probably have a concussion or something.”
He shakes his head. “It’s withdrawals. I get confused. It’s like I forget where I am. I’m going to ask you for something I shouldn’t, but I need your help.” He goes to his dresser and keeps his back to me as he peels his shirt off over his head. The scars from the road rash down his shoulder makes more tears prick up in my eyes.
“Okay.” My voice wobbles.
He stands at the dresser silently, staring down into the drawers, before finally he groans. “Never mind. Turn around.”
I spin so he can dress, but where I’m standing and the angle of the mirror… I can still see him. My teeth grind together as he undresses and the muscles of his ass flex. I shouldn’t be looking, admiring, but I can’t stop. I’m frozen to this spot and rooted so deeply in this moment that I can’t do anything else. My eyes refuse to close. My head can’t possibly turn away.
He stops for a moment, forcing deep breaths down into his lungs and his broad shoulders seem to get impossibly wider. Knox straightens his spine and redresses quickly. I don’t remember how mirrors work until he turns around and catches my eyes in the mirror.
I wet my lips to apologize, but I can’t make the words come out. We watch each other’s reflections for a few minutes in silence. Knox breaks first. “About that kiss,” he says. “Iwasconfused at first. But after a second, then I knew. I should have stopped when I realized that it was you. I haven’t… I haven’t touched a woman since Layla.”
I whirl around quickly. “Nobody?”
“Except you.” He holds his arms out. “Come here.”
I let him envelope me in the heat that pours off his body. He holds me the way he always does- one hand around the back of my head and the other in the middle of my back. It’s so comforting and sometimes it makes it easy to forget everything else that’s going on. Not this time. Now it makes my stomach hurt. Because up until the moment he put his lips on mine, I was able to pretend the way I feel is different.
Now I know how he feels pressed against me. I know how he kisses, and for at least a couple seconds he was kissing me forme!I know how far he would go for me- he almost killed David! And I know how loyal he was to my sister now. She’s been gone for almost a year. Knox has all these women parading around in front of him, ready and willing. He’s been high for months and hasn’t touched any of them even once?
His fingers move against my scalp. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah. Are you?” I tilt my head back to look up at him.
“I’m okay. I think I’m going to lay down though. I’m getting really tired.”
“Okay.” I step back and collect my tears on the back of my finger. “I just- I’ll-”
“You can stay,” he grumbles as he eases himself down onto his bed. “You can stay, but… I’m going to sleep. I have to sleep.” He lays his bruised hands over his belly. “Just get in the bed, Nell. It’s big enough for both of us. I promise not to try to kiss you again.”
I chuckle awkwardly even though it hurts. “Okay.” I lay on the other side of the bed silently, trying not to disturb him. With his eyes swollen, it’s impossible to tell if he’s closed them to sleep or not.
“Do you have to work tomorrow?” he asks quietly in the darkness.
