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“No. I have the day off.” To sit and think about how crazy this day has been. I’ll have more than enough time to think about how his lips felt against mine, about how he held me so gently, and how heknewit was me.
“Good. Oh, I’m so fucking tired.”
“You’ve had a tough day.”
“From start to fucking finish,” he quips.
I guess that’s true. He woke up to me flushing his drugs. I don’t know how he even got started with that. More tears wash over my cheeks and I roll to my side so I can smother my moans with my pillow.
Chapter Eleven
Tree
Iroll out of the bed onto my knees, and make shushing sounds at the ground for being so loud. I have to find cocaine, or I’m going to die. If I had known this would be where I ended up, I wouldn’t have told Nell to sleep in my bed. That’s okay. She didn’t wake up when I fell, so if I don’t put my boots on I should be okay to move around without worrying.
I stand up and grab my phone off the nightstand to use as a flashlight while I search through my own stuff. I know I’ve hidden coke in here somewhere. The bag she found beside the bed wasn’t all I had. That was just the easiest to find. I can’t remember where I typically hide my stuff, but I’m pretty sure it’s in this dresser.
I pull open the top drawer slowly, to keep it quiet. I shift around the underwear in the drawer, but I don’t find anything.Keep looking.I close the first and open the second drawer. I make it through every part of the dresser without finding anything, and I’m starting to getreallyfrustrated.
Going back to the top one I yank it open and toss out all the boxers. I start to un-mate socks, shaking them out to see if I find anything. “Fuck!” What was that loud sound? What did I drop?
“Knox?” Nell flips on the lamp beside the bed and sits up to look at me.
Fiery tears of shame stab the backs of my eyes. “I dropped something. Go back to sleep.” I can’t let her see this. Catching me desperately searching my dresser for drugs while she sleeps isn’t going to do great things for her already shaky self-esteem and confidence.
“What are you-” She leans over and looks at the floor. “Knox,” she growls, leaping over my side of the bed to pick up the things I dropped on the floor. “Where did you get this? You hid it?”
A small bag of the magic dust and one 9mm bullet. I forgot about the final plan I had for myself. I’m not going to disrespect her with a lie, so I hold my chin up and stare out the window.
She shakes her head, her bottom lip wobbling as she holds back her emotions. I can see it all out of the corner of my eye. “You fucker! You motherfucker! Is this it? Is this all of it?”
“Yes.”I think so.
“Don’t you fucking lie to me again.” She shakes the bag in front of me and takes a backwards step towards the bathroom.
“Don’t do this to me, Nell,” I beg, following her in a repeat of this morning. “I need it.”
“You needthis? No, you need to be knocked in the head a few more times, maybe. You need therapy, maybe. You don’t need this.” Nell stops beside the toilet and the anger contorts her face. “I can’t believe you.” The bag rips open and the contents go flying everywhere like snow.
I fall to my knees, reaching for it, like maybe if I just caught a little bit of it I could get enough to quiet the demons in my head for a second. As Nell flushes the only comfort I have in the world, she curls her fingers through my hair and pulls my cheek up against her belly. Her other hand rests between my shoulder blades. "I'm sorry," she says softly. "We'll help each other, okay?"
My body is screaming at me to shove her away, but I can't do that. Layla would come back from the dead just long enough to kick my ass if I hurt her little sister. I dig my fingers into her hips as horrible sobs break free of my chest. "I can't do it. I can't live without her, Nell. I should've been in the car. I shouldn't be here without her. I wasn't meant to-"
"Shhhh. Neither of us should still be alive without her. The world should've stopped spinning when she died, but it didn't. We just have to find-" she pauses to sniffle, "- a way. Drugs won't help."
"They helped me. They… make her go away, just for a little bit." It makes her voice quiet and keeps her face from floating in front of me, taunting me at every turn with her absence.
"I know that's not true,” Nell whispers. “Lean on me. I can help you, but you made me make a promise to you, so you have to promise me to stay sober."
"Fuck you!"
"I'll tie you up if I have to." The threat feels empty and flat in her voice, and I doubt she could pull it off.
"You can barely tie your shoes. You think you can take me?"
"I think there are twenty men here who'd love to help me."
Yeah, she’s right about that. Pres and Knuckles would have no qualms with tying me to my bed and letting me sweat it out. They might never let me free again. I can’t let that happen. I have to get out of here. "It's. my. life. Can't a man find some goddamn peace?"
