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"Is that what you think you're doing when you're high, Knox? Finding peace? I don't think so. I bet it doesn't even feel much better when you're high, does it?"
"Why the fuck would it? My wife is dead! My wife… she's… gone." Layla’s been gone a long time, but her memory won’t let me rest.
"Everything okay here?" Mac asks.
I kick the door shut as Nell calls out a shaky, "Everything's fine! Don't mind us. I'll come get you if I need help." Her fingers rub over my scalp in the silence that follows, before she whispers, "I'm so sorry, Knox. I know this is hard, but you have to fight, okay? I don't know if it gets better, but shouldn't we find out? Isn't it worth it to see?"
"Not without her. Not without Layla. I'm too young to be a widower, Nell. I shouldn't- this wasn't supposed to happen! It was supposed to be the two of us forever! Not like this.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I can’t do this. I can’t do this.” I push her away as I get to my feet. I open the door, half expecting Mac to be waiting there for me.
“Knox, don’t you dare walk out that door right now.” Her voice is so quiet I have to strain to hear it. “If you think for one fucking second that I won’t track you down, you are so wrong.”
I don’t care what she says. I don’t care what anyone says. No one understands what I’m going through. No one understands what this feels like. My world was shattered. My heart, my laughter, my chance at the future I’d always imagined… a drunk teenager stole that from me with one stupid decision. I’m not Knox anymore. I’m not even Tree anymore. I’m an empty shell. I’m not good for the club, for Nell, for me.
“You goin’ somewhere without shoes?” Layla says, leaning against the wall in the hallway.
“What?”She’s not real. But shelooksso fucking real. Her ghost is convincing.
Layla’s eyes travel down my body, all the way to my feet. “You’ve got no shoes, cowboy. It’s going to be hard to ride that bike of yours without shoes, dontyathink?”
“Get out of my head,” I growl. “You’re gone! So be gone. Stop torturing me!”
“I can’t. You won’t let me go.”
“Leave me alone! Why won’t everyone just leave me the fuck alone?”
“Tree, look at me.” Pres’s hands clap over my cheeks, holding my face to keep my attention on him. “Tree, we’re going to help you. It might not feel like help right now, but we’re going to help. Okay?”
I hurt Nell. I fucked up. Again. That’s all I ever do. I turn around to look through my bedroom door. “Nellie?”
She peeks out of the bathroom, staring at me with teary eyes.
Fuck. I have to do this. “Okay, Pres. You’re going to have to chain me up to make me stop. The voice in my head. It-”
Pres’s hand taps against my bruised cheek and it hurts, but I figure I deserve that. “I know. I’m sorry we let you get this bad, Knox.”
I take a deep breath and blow it out, before taking myself back to bed. I’m asleep by the time I hit the mattress.
“Ow!” There’s a pinching pain in my wrist. "What the fuck?" I'm handcuffed to my bed.
"How do you feel?"
"Jesus Christ!" I stare at Nell as my heart finds its way back to a normal pace. I put my right hand on my chest, and it feels weird. My arm is all wrapped up. "What is all this?"
Nell sits up straighter in the bed. "Do you remember anything about last night?"
I run my bandaged fingers over my jaw. "I was confused," I mumble. "I kissed you. That's the last thing I remember." A good kiss. It was a really good kiss.
She nods along. "After that, you told me to stay in your bed. I woke up in the middle of the night to find you throwing all your stuff out of your dresser looking for drugs. You had a bullet with them."
That's right. I had an eight ball and a bullet in one of my socks. My escape plan, in case I needed it. It had been there for a very long time and I forgot the bullet was stowed away with the coke I was looking for.
"The president cuffed you to the bed. You told him to. Some guy named Skids, I think, came and put a house arrest bracelet on your ankle. Doc wrapped your arm up. They tried to get me to leave. They were worried you might lash out, but I told them you won't hurt me."
"You should've listened. You never get between a junkie and a needle. Haven't you ever heard that before? You're the one standing between me and my high. You never know what I might do." I wouldn’t hurt Nell when I’m awake and alert, but in despair, I can’t know what I’d be capable of.
