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"Baby, it's not your fault. It'll happen."
"And if it doesn't?" She’s losing hope, and with hope goes her faith in happiness ever existing for us again.
"Then we'll find another way, okay? I promise. If we can't make one, we'll get a pre-made one, alright?"
She chuckles, then sniffles behind the door. "Pre-made?"
"I mean, we'll try ready-to-bake first, maybe something from the freezer aisle. Then if that doesn't work, we'll order out. Get one delivered. How about that? Maybe we can get a set. Did you ever think of that? You wouldn't have to deal with any of the hormones or anything. We'd just get ourselves a sibling set and bring them home. And hey, we might even skip the newborn stage."
The door opens and she wraps her arms around my waist. "I love you so much."
"I love you too, baby. Now come on, let's go eat some ice cream and watch sad movies so you can cry it out."
"That sounds amazing. And wine too! I'll miss out on wine if I get pregnant."
"Exactly. Everything will work out, baby. We'll make it work," I tell Layla. She's standing beside the bed. I try to reach for her, but my arm is stuck. It's when I look up and see the handcuffs that I remember. "Fuck."
Nell swipes her face and then goes back to typing, and I reach for her. She covers the rest of the distance and grasps my hand on top of my belly. We sit in silence while she finishes what she's doing, whatever it is.
When she closes her laptop, she scoots down the bed and lays her head on my chest, throwing her arm over me. "What were you two working out?"
I blow out the air in my chest and it sends the hair at the top of her chest flying around. "Ready-made babies, in case we couldn't have any."
"Adoption?" We never told Nell we talked about it. It makes sense that she’s surprised. Layla was pretty secretive about the ways she felt she failed, even when she spoke to her sister.
"Whatever it took. I just had to make her laugh so she wasn't crying all the time. She spent her last two years crying."
"She seemed mostly okay to me," Nell whispers.
"She was when you were around. You made her happy. With me I think that sometimes she saw me as a puzzle piece that wasn't fitting right. We had everything else but… maybe if she'd married one of the boys from your dad’s country club she'd have had babies. I think those were the thoughts that went through her head sometimes."
Incredulity is sharp on Nell’s face when she turns her gaze on me. "I doubt that. She loved you."
"She did. I don't mean to say she didn't love me. I mean that sometimes I think she wondered if things would've been different, if she'd married someone else." If she would’ve had a husband that was home more, and kids, and didn’t have to worry so much about him never coming home again, would she have been happier?
"They would have. The country club douchebags wouldn't have built her her dream house. They wouldn't have saved her from our parents."
I fall silent, trying to take the reassurance I need from her words, but it doesn’t work. The guilt I feel around this subject is deeply rooted and long standing. "I failed her in so many ways. Sometimes I think that's why she's gone, that I didn't love her and cherish her enough so the world took her from me."
"How could you possibly even think that you didn't cherish her enough?” Nell’s voice raises as she sits up further to be able to stare down at me. “You rolled out the red carpet for her every time she walked to the bathroom. Knox, you gave Layla an amazing life, full of amazing memories, and so much love she should've overdosed on it. Never for a second did that woman feel unappreciated. You have to know that."
"Logically, yes. But I also know she's dead and can't talk to me and that doesn't stop me from hearing her voice."
Her head touches my chest again as she finally lays down, no longer taking such sharp offense to my words. "Does she say anything good?"
"Always. She never says anything bad."
"Sounds like her." Nell squeezes tighter, her chest shaking against my side. She’s going to cry, and I can’t take it.
"Unlock me, Nell."
"No, you'll try to escape." Nell is as stubborn as I am, which I have to give her credit for.
"I just want both hands so I can hold you. Please." I'm feeling raw and vulnerable, and I need to feel her close to me. I can’t lay here, while she tears my heart out with sobs, and do nothing. I know she thinks if I’m not chained up I’ll kill myself, I told her that, but I also know that my heart will somehow break even more if I don’t get a chance to comfort her.
She rolls over for the key, and slams it against my chest when she rolls back. "Here! You want it so damn bad you canhaveit!" She doesn’t trust me, and that’s fair. I haven’t given her anything to trust.
But I have a GPS strapped to my ankle. I unlock the cuff quickly and grab Nell under her arms, pulling her against me. Pain shoots through my right hand up to my elbow but I ignore it. I rub her head with one hand and her back with the other. "I'm not going anywhere, Nell. I'll put it back on later, but right now, I-"
