AllFreeNovel
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“Yes, we are. I want to look around and we need to make sure it’s taken care of. Whether you care about it or not, I do.”
“Put a for-sale sign out front while you’re there,” I grouse. I don’t understand her obsession with the house, but I don’t share in it.
“You’re coming with me,” she says resolutely.
“No, I’m fucking not, Nell. I’m not going there. If you make me go, I will burn it down.” I hate that house. I haven’t been there in so long I’m not sure it’s even still standing, and I’d prefer if it wasn’t.
She ignores me, fingers tapping over her keyboard. The sound is normally soothing, but now it grates against my ears.
“Do you hear me?”
Silence, except for that fuckingtap, tap, tap.
Drugs.The ceiling above me swirls and dances as snowflake emojis and perfectly straight lines carved out of tiny white mountains. Drugs are the solution. That information is always available to me. If I just get high, everything else ceases to exist.
“We can take the motorcycle,” Nell offers.
Fuck!She’s got me, and she knows she’s got me, that’s why she said it. I haven’t been on my bike since I beat up her stupid ex. “Shit! When are we leaving?”
“Nell Reed, I am not wearing this.” The handcuff attaching my left hand to hers is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen.
“Yes you are.”
“How the fuck am I going to steer with your short little arm attached to mine? I’m going to rip your arm off trying to turn.”
“I’ll lean with you,” she says, and Knuckles leans back against the door chuckling as he smokes a joint on the front porch.
“The fuck you will! Take this goddamn thing off me! Knuckles, stop your fucking laughing or I will pay you back the headbutt I owe you.”
“Get on the bike and I’ll show you, asshole!” Nell shouts at me, and I frown at how pushy she is today.
“This is not going to work.” I’m being tortured. This should be a war crime. I straddle the bike anyway, and Nell plants her hand on my thigh to get on behind me. I reach for the handlebars, and with her plastered to my back, we can make it work. “If I have to turn right though…”
“Your house is four miles from here. Just make left turns.”
“That’s not…” I inhale deeply and hold it for a few seconds before blowing it out. “Fine.”
After six miles, only taking left turns, we arrive at the place that makes my entire body tense. I'm gonna be sick.
Nell's hands rub up and down my belly. "Take your time." The pushy Nell is gone, supportive Nell with gentle hands and a soft voice has returned.
I inhale a shuddering breath and let it out slowly.It's just a house. Just a house.I spent some time here after she passed, but every time I came around a corner I swore I saw her or smelled her perfume. I would get convinced that she wasn't dead, and finding out that she was over and over again gutted me.
"I can't do it, Nell." I’m still going to be looking for her in every inch of the house, like she’s just hiding from me and she’ll pop out and scream ‘boo’ and drag me back through everything I’ve experienced.
"Yes, you can,” Nell says slowly, coaxing me. “Take a deep breath. You can do this."
The bubbling in my stomach rises rapidly, and I lean over as I vomit up all the feelings I don't want to feel. Unfortunately, those grow back quickly.
"Oh my god.” Her arms tighten around my waist. “Knox, listen to me. Close your eyes and listen. Just listen to my voice. You’re safe. Being here might hurt, I mean, itwillhurt, but you're strong enough. You can handle this."
"I can't."
"Yes you can. You have to grieve. You have to allow yourself the space to grieve. So if you go in there and you puke and you cry and you scream, guess what? Nobody's going to know but me, and I've known you my whole life, so it's not going to change my opinion about you. It's just you and me, Knox. We can do this. I need you to do thiswith me. I can't do it alone, and it needs to be done."
I grip her hands in mine, squeezing her fingers and pressing her palms to my chest, trying to draw strength from her body into mine. I have no idea how or when she became so brave, but I need to absorb some of it for myself because I am clearly the weaker link.
"You've come so far already. You're almost two weeks sober now. I'm telling you, I believe in you. We've got this. Together."
