AllFreeNovel
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I kiss over the backs of her fingers, clenched in mine. "Just don't let me go, Nell."I'm falling overboard and if you let me go, I'll drown.
"I'm not. I'm right here. Put the kickstand down. That's one step. Easy. Can you do that?"
No, I don't fucking want to do it. I want to turn the engine back on and take us back to the clubhouse with a series of left turns. She handcuffed herself to me. She wouldn't be able to stop me. But that feels wrong. She needs to grieve too, and she's asking me to help her on her journey with it. That thought, more than anything else, helps to soothe me. I'm doing it for Nell. She needs me to be strong, to be here for her. This isn't about me. It’s about Nell.
I flip the kickstand down, before pulling her with me off the seat. "Take this shit off me unless you're planning on walking backwards."
Nell unhooks the cuff and switches it to her other arm. I wish she would just leave it off, but I know why she won't. It’s smart not to. Nell drags me closer, and every step adds a brick of lead to my stomach. The door still has the spring wreath hanging on it.
Tears assault my eyes, fighting to be freed. “I can’t. Stop. I can’t.” My heart is racing, my stomach churning. I brace my arm against the side of the house and lean my forehead against it.
“Look at you! Look how far you’ve come. You said you couldn’t before we got out of bed, and you still got on the motorcycle. You said you couldn’t when we pulled up, and here you are at the door. You can do this, Knox. Take another step with me.” She moves closer to the entrance, pulling our arms taut between us.
“Please don’t make me do this.”
“One more step.” She’s never going to let me stop. She’s not going to let this end.
Please, I’m begging you, just leave me here to die. You made me sober, you made me come here, and I’m miserable. If I step into this house, I’m going to die. I cannot fucking do this, Nellie.Deep breath- in, out. I take one more step,and I know it’s not going to be the last one she asks me for. I do my best to appear apathetic, tofeelapathetic, and it slowly starts to work just enough to get me moving.
There is no more lead in my stomach, no more tears, no more racing heart- I’m numb. I follow her to the doorway with my head held high and the most bored expression I’ve ever worn on my face. Nell fiddles with the key for too long and I take it from her, unlocking the door and swinging it open.
The indifference fades as rage courses through my veins. I pull the wreath off the door and throw it over Nell’s head into the yard, roaring out the anger that I live on. “Unlock me, Nell.Now.”
“Knox, just brea-”
“No. Now. Get this shit off my arm or I’m going to get bolt cutters and cut it off.”
“Please just listen to me,” she begs, raising her hands to placate me and taking my hand with her.
I don’t feel placated. I feel broken, and there’s nothing better to do when I feel this way than to let the rage run its course. I want to let it out. I want to punish this house, and myself, and at least a little bit Nell too for forcing me to come here. “No.”
Nell reaches up towards my face, and I step back, pushing her hand away and pulling us towards the shed on the back of the property. “Knox, stop.”
I don’t have anything left to say. I want these handcuffs off. I don’t want her to kiss me. I don’t want her to talk to me. My hands are burning with a fire that needs to be released.
“Fine! But if you leave me here so you can go get high, I will fucking kill you myself.”
I thrust my arm out to her so she can unlock me and release me from the hell of being chained to her like a preschooler on a leash. Nell is angry at me, but she couldn’t dream of how furious I am. As soon as the cuff loosens, I yank my wrist out of it and stomp into the house. The first thing I see is a picture frame hanging on the wall and I send it flying, reveling in the sound of the glass shattering.
“Knox!”
The kitchen table I spent months on? Fuck that table. I flip it over so it crashes against the two chairs on the other side. Dust billows away from it, and the long dead flowers in Layla’s favorite blue vase suffer a second demise.
“Stop it!”
I spin to face Nell and thrust my fists down. I am a petulant child- an abused, angry, confused child.“Fuck you! Fuck this house! Fuck this painting!” The painting Layla picked out at a flea market the summer after we moved in sails through the living room. “Fuck everything in this goddamn coffin!” I kick one of the other chairs and it smashes into the glass of the French doors at the back of the house.
“Stop! You’re scaring me!”
“Oh I’mscaringyou? You’rekillingme, Nell! Fuck!”
“Why do you hate this house so much?” Nell screams at me, still standing on the other side of the threshold.
“Do you want to know why? Well come along, sweetheart. Let me give you the tour.” I grab her wrist and tug her along with me. “This kitchen? This is where Layla started every morning. She drank an iced coffee every single morning, standing at this counter!” I slam the counter repeatedly with my hand. “And that table? That table is where she served me dinner every night that I was home. It’s where she probably sat to eat alone on the nights I wasn’t.”
We move into the living room and I point at the couch. “That? That’s where the two of you sat and laughed so many times, and I’llneverget to hear that sound again. And that spot, that cushion right there? That’s where she sat in my lap and told me she wanted to have a baby, and of all the things I could give her, that wasn’t fucking one of them. Let’s go upstairs.”
“Enough! I get it!” We’re already stomping up the stairs, even though Nell is fighting my hold on her wrist.
