AllFreeNovel
Share Us
The sound of Knox breaking everything he can get his hands on downstairs sends me sinking to the floor. I wrap my arms around my knees and work on calming my breaths. He’s not angry at me. He’s not going to hurt me.I’m safe. Knox won’t hurt me. I’m safe. I’m safe.
But when he comes back upstairs looking furious, I still force myself backwards. I’m terrified. I can’t deny that. It doesn’t matter how strongly I believe Knox wouldn’t hurt me, Pres was right- the Knox I knew before isn’t the one here right now. Tears blur my vision as I scoot backward with my palms, whimpering.
Knox crouches in front of me and my back hits the wall. I’m cornered. “We’re going home.”
You are home.I shake my head. I’m hyperventilating too quickly to speak. I can’t go anywhere with him.
“I’ll call Pres to send someone with a cage to get you.”
“No,” I manage to spit out. I gulp down the lump in my throat. “You can’t be alone.”
“Nell, I’ve never needed to be alone more in my entire life than I do right now.”
He doesn’t want to be near me. That hurts even worse. Fear compounds with fear. Fear that I’m in danger, that he’ll get high again, that he’s done with meforever.
“Come on. I’ll take you home.”
I didn’t muster up the courage to apologize on the way back to the clubhouse, or when we walked in, or when I attached the handcuffs back to him and the bed, or even when I moved all my stuff back into my own room and out of his. No, I still haven’t apologized. Sometimes, I think I shouldn’t at all, that he was the one in the wrong and what I said was perfectly justified.
Sometimes I think about packing all my shit up and jetting out of here like I did when I left David. The times when I think that, I start wondering if maybe the whole thing with David was my fault and I just jumped ship instead of trying to fix it. I don’t want David, though. I want Knox. It is horrifically painful to admit that to myself when I think I might’ve already fucked up my chances at that beyond repair.
Pres won’t put me back to work at the restaurant. He wants me here in case Knox needs me. Maya welcomes me to cleaning duty with open arms. Amyisfeisty. Nobody asks. Nobody asks how I am or what happened with Knox or what I’m going to do next. I’m not sure if they already know or if they just don’t give a shit. Maybe it’s a mixture of both.
Amy rarely talks to me while we fold laundry together, but I can tell by the look on her face and the constant movement of her silent lips that she wants to say something today. I toss the shirt down on the table and watch her. “What, Amy? Why are you talking to yourself?”
“Nothin’ you need to worry yourself about, child.”
“Please talk to me. Even if you’re going to yell at me.” I’m so fucking lonely. I’ve never had so few people to talk to as I do now. The one person I want to talk to I’m in a stalemate with. We both stubbornly refuse to apologize, maybe me more than him. I don’t go out of my way to talk to him because I’m afraid he’s just going to tell me to fuck myself and that anxiety keeps my mouth shut.
Amy stops folding and finally looks me directly in my eyes. “Did you know I lost my husband three years ago?”
“No. I’m sorry-”
She waves and cuts me off. “Don’t apologize. I know what it’s like to lose someone you love, and Knox loved your sisterdeeply. I also know what I see between the two of you. I can see the look in your mopey eyes. You’re hurting. It’s tough. There’s no right answer here. It’s an impossible situation.”
“You’re not telling me anything I don’t already know. Give me the advice or the ass-reaming you’re skirting around.”
“No, no advice, no ass-reaming. I just want you to know that I can sympathize. Sometimes it probably feels like you’re all alone here, but you aren’t. Maya loves you. Clara loves you. I’m here for you if you need to talk.”
I push myself up from the floor and reach my hand out to her. “You’re getting too soft, Amy. Let’s go smoke so you can get yourself back to normal."
Chapter Seventeen
Tree
Ihate myself. I hate every single second of my existence. I’m still chained to this bed, but this time, I’m alone. I’m laying in bed staring at the ceiling, afraid to go to sleep, because the nightmares aren’t going to leave me alone just because my battle buddy isn’t here to help me through them.
I scared her- No, I absolutely horrified her. I cracked myself open and showed myself the darkest parts of my mind- maybe partially to push her away- and she disappeared. In the hours between her visits to bring me food or unlock me to go to the bathroom, I wonder if she’s a figment of my imagination, if every single thing I remember about the Reed sisters was just a dream.
I deserve what I’m suffering with now, every ounce of it, but fuck me it really sucks. I want Nell back. I want to hold her and kiss her and tell her I’m sorry. I want to prove to her that I'll never hurt her. Unfortunately, I'm not sure I can do that after what I did, going crazy and destroying the house she's so fond of.
There's something else on my mind as well- drugs. I became something different for Nell, because she asked me to, because she pushed me to, and now Nell is gone and I'm chained to my fucking bed not able to do anything!
I want to go home. But I don't have a home to return to.
The last three years of my life have been drenched in sadness. Layla's pain hurt me, and then she left me behind to deal with all of it by myself. And then Nell showed up, telling me I wasn't by myself, and now I am again.
I miss myself, the me I used to be before everything got all fucked up. I was happy once. I think I can be again if I figure out how to… do that. Is it my priorities that need to be readjusted? What the hell do I need to do to stop being this piece of shit?
