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“Hell yeah I’m thinkin’ about it!” I shout back at him, losing control of myself. “I’m always fuckin’ thinkin’ about it! Every goddamn day when I wake up my first thought is ‘I need to get high’. Can’t find a tool? My brain says ‘go find some coke’. Nell looks sad? ‘I failed. I should go get high’. Get frustrated? It’s a simple fuckin’ solution really!Just get high!I’malwaysfuckin’ thinkin’ about it, Pres. I’m not doin’ it, but it’s always only a few thoughts away. Some kid out there just asked me if I would getmarriedagain? Now all I can fuckin’ think about is finding some cocaine.”
I shake my head and calm my voice before I continue. “But all I’mtryingto do is make that voice shut up for a minute. So I’m going to have myself a drink, smoke a joint, and I’m going to go to bed with my woman, where I can think about gettin’ high some more.”
“Tree…”
“Don’t start. I’ll take my ass-kicking tomorrow. Tonight, please, just let me relax.”
Pres lifts his hands in surrender. “I was just gonna say I have a joint, if you’re open to sharing.”
I release the breath that’s been pent up in my chest. “Thanks. Back porch okay? I probably just scared that kid to death.”
Pres grabs the bottle in his fist and follows me out to the back porch. “He’ll be fine. He’s hanging around for his prospect vote in the morning.”
“A new prospect?” I barely know the one we have now, but I suppose that’s mostly my own fault.
“Yeah. James will be up for patching soon. Speaking of, he’s proxying for Zed right now. Zed killed a dude in the diner last night and he’s off the grid.”
I can’t hold back the laughter. “Wait, what?”
Pres sighs. “Yeah. It was a fuckin’ mess.” He lights the joint and inhales a long puff before handing it to me. “I had to pay the owner a pretty penny to turn a blind eye to the prospect mopping up blood from her floor.”
“What the hell happened?”
“Well…” He shakes his head. “Listen, we had dinner. The waitress was nice. Zed got stars in his eyes, you know the look. We took her out with us for a few rounds then brought her back. We were about to leave when this Camaro comes screaming in like a bat out of hell. Zed goes to rush in headfirst, you know the look.”
I roll my eyes. “Get to the point. Stop taking cheap jabs at me.”
“You? Hell, I was talking about all of ya, Knuckles mostly. Anyway, I held him back till the dude grabbed the cute little waitress. He literally smashed that guy’s brains in. I hope if this new kid gets voted in he’s not squeamish. Prospect was looking a little green around the gills.”
“Bare hands?” I ask, staring at Pres. Zed is known for using his knife. He’s used it for every kill since his first. It’s like a tradition.
“Yep. Craziest shit I’ve ever seen.” He passes the joint back just as the back door opens. “Hey, sweetie. Your ol’ man’s right here.”
NowI’mthe one green around the gills. Nell isn’t my ol’ lady. He knows that. I inhale as much of the smoke into my lungs as I can fit and hand it back to Pres. He gets up and Nell takes his spot. When we’re alone, she traces her finger over my arm.
“Are you okay? Maya said you seemed upset.” She’s asking me for reassurance. She’s scared. I can hear it. Right now, though, I’m not sure I can provide that. I’m afraid if I tell her everything’s perfect she’ll see right through it. She’s not afraid to call me on my bullshit, and I just don’t want to deal with that tonight.
“I’m good.”
“Knox,” she groans.
“Nell. Don’t.”
“I heard every fucking word you said,” she spits out, glaring at me. “The entire clubhouse heard you. And all you’ll tell me is you’re ‘good’?”
“I am good, Nell. I smoked some pot and drank a little and I'm all better now. I just want to relax and then go to bed, put my arms around you, and go to sleep.”
“I’m not good. I’mterrified.” Her long sweater sleeves wave with her hands. “I feel like this past year has just been one thing after another and I’m not prepared to deal with something else. So, if you’re…” She sniffles, but jerks her hand away when I reach for it. “Don’t. If you’re trying to leave me, then just-”
“Nellie.”
“Knox! I’m serious!”
“Sweetheart-”
She launches out of the chair but I catch her before she gets the door open. I put my hand over her throat as I press my forehead to hers.
“I’m scared, too. The kid asked me if I was going to marry you, and that scared the shit outta me. I hadn’t even thought of it, and I’m sorry that I haven’t. And Pres just had to call me your ol’ man. I’m not deliberately trying to hurt you or hide from you. I’m trying to figure out what I want so Idon’thurt you. I’m afraid of commitment. I know that’s surprising because I married your sister the second it was legal, but I lost her. I have been to the deepest pits of hell. I’m just finding my way around on solid ground again. I can’t- Ican’tfucking lose you, but I’m not ready.”
