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The words work, and I scream at the ceiling of the closet while my pussy clamps down around my fingers.
“That’s my girl.”
When I’m finally done shuddering, Knox forces a slightly more modest dress over my head and grabs my hand to pull me out the door. “Wait! I’m not wearing panties.”
“I know.”
“Knox, I’m going to… make a mess.”
His face lifts into an evil grin that I’m too familiar with. “I know.”
Chapter Nineteen
Tree
Nell disappeared on me when she left the bathroom, and I gave her some time to think. It’s probably hard for her to accept the way I make her feel, but she gave me a clarity that I haven’t felt in a long time. Even when Layla was still alive, her disappointment had me questioning myself. I never wanted kids, but she did, and I was willing to give her anything. If she’d wanted to own the state of New Mexico I would’ve figured out a way to make it happen. I just wanted her to be happy, and not being able to give her something she wanted so badly ate at me every second of every day.
Then she was gone. All her dreams and aspirations crushed against the dashboard of her car, splattered over the windshield, shattered along the roadway. And with her, a part of me died too. I’m just learning how to live without her, something I never expected to have to do. I always thought we’d go together, peacefully in our sleep, or at the very least that I’d go first.
Nell is the only other constant in my life that gives me something to survive for. The club used to feel like a brotherhood. It hasn’t felt like that in a long time, but that night it almost did again. It felt like a home and a family that will be with me no matter what. They stood by me when I fell off the rails, even if they didn’t know how.
Nell has been sleeping in my bed every night again, but this time there are no handcuffs. She keeps her ass pressed against me, always teasing me, and I’m fucking insatiable. She’s always down for it, even when I wake her up in the middle of the night with my mouth at her neck and my hand slipping up her shirt. She’s my perfect match, meeting fire with fire every time we touch.
Her and Pres discussed me going on runs for the club. She and Pres decided I needed to take someone with me. They settled on Mac, and then she discussed everything with Mac to make sureheknew how to babysit me to her standards. Everyone is finally in tentative agreement on how I will behave, and I’m allowed out of the house again.
I stroke the handlebars reverently as Mac gets onto his bike and nods at me. We ride off through the desert as the sun sets. The job is simple. We normally have someone else doing this, but I’m onlight dutyso I get to do grunt work. I don’t mind. I’m out of the clubhouse on my motorcycle and my patch on my back. I’m a biker tonight for the first time in a long time.
Sobriety is getting easier, and being with Nell is getting easier. There’s still a lot to deal with, and some secrets I buried under mountains of coke that are probably going to come to light sooner or later, especially the closer we get to the anniversary of Layla’s death. I want to warn her, but I also don’t. Uncovering all the things that scarred my soul just isn’t what I want to do when I lay down in bed with Nell at night.
Mac points to the left and we swerve into the parking lot. We aren’t doing drug deals like we used to do. The route is pretty similar to drop off drugs to dealers and distributors, but I’m not allowed to be within a mile of a drug other than pot, so we’re collecting payments from people in town for protecting them from whatever threats they imagine there are.
I don’t give a shit. I’m on the road with a brother beside me and my bike between my thighs. The night truly is an easy one, and we make it back to the clubhouse just in time for the party that’s starting tonight. They party every weekend and always have. I’ve just been missing most of them for one reason or another- not living here, grieving, being too high, being chained up.
There’s a kid I don’t recognize on the front porch and I decide to sit with him before heading inside. He looks young, and far too friendly for this place. His fresh-faced look doesn’t bode well for his survival here. He’s just another hang-around though, so maybe we won’t have to worry.
Young guys like to stick close to the club and see if they have what it takes. I light a joint from my pocket and offer it to him, but he shakes his head. He’s definitely too soft for what we’ve got going here.
“You’re Tree, right?” he asks.
“Yep. That’s me.”
“And Nell is your sweetie?” This hang-around sure knows a lot about me for me not recognizing him.
Squinting at his face I realize I have seen him before. He’s been around a lot lately, but I’ve been too focused on everything else going on around me. My nerves ease. “Yeah. Nell’s mine.”Don’t get any fucking ideas, kid. You can’t touch her.
“That’s awesome. Do you think you’ll marry her? Would you get married again?”
My head rocks back as I consider the question that feels like it came out of nowhere. I want to say that the idea thrills me, but the fast pace of my heart isn’t from joyous excitement. Pure fear locks itself in the pit of my stomach. Get married again? Wear a suit again? Say vows to another woman knowing she could leave me again so easily?
Cocaine.
I clench my jaw and shove away from my chair. The urge to seek out my favorite drug is unbearable. I have to feed the screaming beast, and I can’t feed it what it wants. I stomp to the bar and grab a bottle of whiskey. I’m three gulps in when Pres’s face appears about six inches from the side of mine.
“Care to share?” he barks with the elegance of a drill sergeant.
I bite back the rage that I want to take out on him. I slam the bottle down and slide it over to him. “Have it. I’ll get something else.”
“Are you really thinking about getting high?” Pres asks with a voice full of disappointment.
