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65
Kris
Fuck it’s hot out here. After Nicolette called me pathetic, I did exactly what one would expect. Took my ass down to the closest liquor store and bought the first bottle of whiskey I saw and to add insult to injury also grabbed a pack of cowboy killers. I figure why fall off the wagon when you can jump off the damn thing straight into a gulch?
Sitting on the stoop I haven’t opened either, not becasue I don’t want to, but because I know that I do. I also know that if I do I will have lost her. No, not lost, given up. I don’t want to give her up, I don’t want to be the reason she goes. I don’t want her gone. I don’t want to be the man that I was before her. My throat is dry and my eyes are burning from the tears that have stung my cheeks. I am pathetic. She is right about that. I don’t deserve her and she certainly doesn’t deserve all the shit that comes with loving me. Media circus’, tabloid rumors, a deadly pregnancy. All my fault. I pushed her too hard. I know that. I did it because I don’t know that if I wait, we will be able to live the life I want for her, for us. I need to squeeze all the life I can into whatever time may be left. I have been so worried abut losing her, that I let it control me, and now…
I start to hum. Why does she make me want to sing even when I feel like drowning. ‘She brings me back with a glance, makes me belive there can be a second chance.
I put down the bottle, I set down that smoke,
Willing to do anything to lose that broken joke.’ My voice cracks on the last line as I hear a small sigh and see her diminutive shadow cast over my head.
"I'm sorry for being a brat. I'm sorry one argument sent you to the bottle. You're not a joke, Pan. You're mine and I'm yours. Can I sit with you?"
I pick up the bottle, moving it to the side, so that she can step down, then I lead her to stand in front of me and pull her down into my lap, so I can wrap myself up in her warm scent. “You didn’t send me to the bottle. I did that, you kept me from it. I swear Tink, I never even cracked the seal.”
"It's okay, Kris. You're not a Angel but you're not the devil either. We all have our faults. Some are harder than others. Like my mouth over riding my ass. As I was reminded tonight."
“You called Bobby?” I ask softly, nuzzling into her chest. Not in a sexual way, more of a need for the comfort. “How long do we have before he shows up and shoots me?”
"Surprisingly he seems okay. Scared, like us but okay. Ready for us to come home. Hates that we didn't tell him sooner but understands."
“I’m ready to go home too. But since flying made you so sick, I was thinking about a bus, or a huge RV, something we can grab off a lot and have customized when we get back to Tennessee. What do you think? Wanna go mobile home shopping with me tomorrow?”
“Something we can choose together?” The surprise in her voice makes me look up from her protective warmth.
“Yes, Tink, together. Just you, me and security. We have to go into New Jersey, but I think it may be worth the look. What do you say?”
“Well-it’s not a hospital or a bed, so I guess I can be okay with that.”
I smile. “See this is absolutly a we kind of thing. So what’s say we head down the road, get us a loaf of bread a couple of slushies and go feed the ducks at the park? I can have our little spy-” I glance over my shoulder seeing Blue, message us when supper is ready.” No sooner do I finish than Blue opens the door tossing a pair of black ballarina flats at us. I chuckle and roll my eyes. “Guess that’s a yes from the peanut gallery.”
“I don’t think he likes seeing mommy and daddy fighting, especially after I slammed the door in his face.”
“I’ll grab him a macha kit-kat, and he’ll be right as rain. Come on, Tink, lets take a walk.” Wrapping my hands under her ass I go to stand then think better of it. “Get on my back, it’ll be better.” With a little nod she wraps herself over me and we set to go back to the corner store, her shoes and the bottle forgotten.
Just as we’re off I hear her little voice next to my ear. “Hey, Pan?”
“Hmm?”
“Did you write a new song?” It’s an innocent enough question, yet makes me a bit uncomfortable. I don’t share my music, not anymore.
“Uhh.” I shift her slightly to get a better grip, but do not actually answer.
“You don’t have to tell me, you can keep it to yourself, but, it sounded like something worth hearing.”
I nod, as we head into the shop. First thing I do is slip some flip=flops on her little feet and carry her down the bread aisle. “Okay, I’m gonna put you down, I gotta piss, so here’s fifty bucks. I want a wild blue raspberry slushie, the rest is for bread and whatever you want.” I kiss her cheek and head toward the back of the shop. Once she is occupied I back track bent in half like a kid hiding from mom. I saw something that I just need to buy, now that my Tink wants to hear what I’ve been working on. Into the pawn shop I go.
