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Were the fumes making my head spin or was that my disbelief and self-disgust for seeing what wasn’t there. “It didn’t do anything for you. You dumped your load down my throat because Daria thought it was hot, and that was it?”
“I don’t know what to say Colin. You’re my best friend, and I’d be lost without that. I’m not even ashamed to say I love you, but not like that. This isn’t romantic.”
Could he hear my heart breaking? Unlikely. And as much as I wanted to yell at Tanner for being an idiot, this was my fault. I saw more than was there. What I wanted rather than what he said. He’d never lied to me.
“Colin?” The way Tanner watched me with concern gutted me further.
Was I only in this friendship hoping he’d put out, or was I here because he was my friend no matter what? “This is on me. But… I need to not be around you right now. Don’t harass Daria when you go pick up your stuff.”
I walked out the front door, letting it swing shut on one more call of, “Colin.”
That went better than I’d always feared, and not nearly as good as I hoped. Especially after these past few days. I let out a bitter laugh, and a neighbor walking her dog gave me a weird look.
Whatever.
Being alone would suck, because I’d be stuck listening to my thoughts, but where was I supposed to go that I wouldn’t be reminded of Tanner?
I sent Daria a quick text saying I’d be by soon to grab my things. That couldn’t be put off. As I climbed into my car, I called Brooke. The instant I heard her line pick up I said, “Please don’t make any Tanner jokes.”
“Good morning to you too.” Brooke’s greeting was cautiously chipper. “And why not?”
I took a deep breath and started the car. How best to put this? “I told him.”
“And…? Oh. Oh, Colin.”
The tone of my voice had definitely given me away. Good. That meant less to explain.
“I’m so sorry,” Brooke said. “What can I do?”
“Tell me you need help with something. Anything. And maybe let me crash on your couch for a few days?”
“I do. You may. And how bad is this? Did you break up?”
I winced at her phrasing, and pointed my car toward Daria’s.
“I didn’t mean it that way,” Brooke said. “How bad is it? Does a few days mean that, or is it more of an indefinite request? You’re welcome regardless, but if you think you’re going to be a while, you need to help me clear out my craft room.”
“I’ll straighten your fucking garage if it’ll keep my mind busy.” I didn’t know anyone more driven than Brooke, besides Daria. My sister’s entire life looked put together on the outside, as long as one didn’t open the doors she kept locked. That was both literal and metaphorical. Not that I had a problem with either. “And I don’t know how long. I didn’tbreak upwith him. I just need some space.”
Brooke clucked. “I have plenty you can help with and you can stay as long as you want.”
Iwantedto be staying with Tanner. I wanted to be cuddled up with him right now, because he felt the same way I did, while we figured out how to help Daria and where he and I went next. But that wasn’t what I was getting. “Thank you.”
21
daria
Harmony came downaround noon to ask if she could have breakfast for lunch. They were supposed to have Mickey Mouse pancakes today, and she didn’t get any. Sayingyeswas the easiest decision ever.
Telling Colin and Tanner our relationship needed to go back to what it had been should have been just as simple. So why did I feel like I was giving up more than just amazing sex?
I wasn’t anywhere near the artist Colin was, but a big circle of pancake with two smaller circles for ears, and banana slices plus chocolate chips for eyes, and Harmony had her Mickey Mouse pancakes. I even gave one a bow of strawberries so she’d have a Minnie.
“Yay.” Harmony clapped when she saw the food.
Alana was more sullen, never looking at me or saying a word. I was happy she came down at all, so I was calling it a win.
Harmony told me about every minute of Disneyland Day One as she ate. I was sad I hadn’t been there, but I was glad she had the memories.
